Feeling like crap.

[Thibideau]

I know what you're going through. Right now everything you feel, now matter how terrible, seems right. You feel like you're supposed to feel terrible and you spend every waking minute triyng to convince yourself you deserve to feel that bad. You start to lose interest in everything to the point where you can't even see the old you anymore. You get up to do something and all your brain says is "Why bother". Your emotions are all over the place, you're either laughing at something that you should be scared of, or crying at something that should bring you joy. And most importantly/dangerously you start to convince yourself that your life would be better without you in it. That somehow you're such a waste of a human being that you can't justify taking up anymore oxygen.

I know this because I suffer from Clinical Depression. You sound like you're suffering from a form of Depression and you should seek medical help and make sure you talk about how you're feeling with your family.

When people say depression, a lot of people just brush it off and think that means you're feling sad or down. That's not what Depression is. Depression is a mental illness and there are multiple types with multiple causes.

You're suffering from Typical Depression symptoms which are defined by loss of appetite and insomnia. Atypical symptoms(While just as common) are the opposite, over eating and over sleeping. Your actual type of depression could be seasonal, clinical, manic, ect.

Seasonal Depression occurs in Winter due to lack of sunlight. Some people struggle to maintain vitamin D(Which we get from the sun) which is used to in the production of seratonin in the brain.

Clinical Dpesrrion is caused by the brain not being able to regulate the uptake of seratonin in the brain. This means your brain uses more than it's supposed to and then runs dry, causing you to crash. Normally when you experience certain things your brains responce is to uptake seratonin to produce happy feelings. If that's not there your brain can't funtion properly. Other types of Depression can be caused from trauma or other underlying medical problems. Either way you need medical attention because it's not just 'the blues' and if you're having suicidal thoughts you can't handle it on your own.

There are ways to handle all types of depression, but you have to talk about it with someone in your life. We do not count. People over the internet are annonymus and us telling you to seek help or not do anything rash, isn't likely to have much of an effect. You need to tell someone in your life how you've been feeling and seek medical help. Depression is often down played in every day life but it is very serious and you need someone else to guide you through it, whether you tell a family member or friend, or just go straight to your doctor.

[HollandofFrance]

"it's bad to even think about it"? I mean really? I am not sure if ZombieSlayer suffers depression, or is just playing with the idea, but if you do suffer depression there is no way you can control those thoughts. Simply no way. You think about it when the weather is nice, when you see your friends happy, when you are brushing your teeth, when you are talking to your family and they would never tell, because at the begining you learn how to hide it.

The "it's bad" is the last thing on your mind, because you simply can't stop it on your own.

Bowyn Aerrow, would you be willing to share your current feelings? I mean, people who survived an accident or were close to the death and were brought back, are often saying that it was a new begining for them. That they were sent back and it means they can do more, be better people, enjoy every moment etc. You know what I mean?
Do you feel that way?
Because I don't. I am glad I am here, but that's about it. I wonder if it is because it wasn't ment to be "an accident"?

i guess my answer was very simplistic but its hard to counsel people for me anyway online or anywhere-im not an expert on these things-its very difficult

the dr amen videos on youtube may help

[HollandofFrance]

Dr Amen, treating all depression the same invites disaster

[Sylph]

Hey babe,

Suicide is never the answer , it is such a horrible double edge sword and it keeps on destroying long after it has taken the life of it's victim.
Please don't do anything to hurt yourself, I know it's hard right now , but things will get better.
You just have to survive and never give up.
Two years might seem like a lifetime , but it really is not, you have to find the strength to fight this.

I have probably asked this before , have you thought about getting help for your depression.
Do you remember me telling you about taking the power back?
Sweetie your tormentor has only the limited power that you allow them to have.

Take the power back sweetie , do not let anyone change you.
I know I sound like a broken record , but this is a vital skill you have to master, especially before going in to the big bad world.

Remember , people can only hurt you if you allow it.
You are such a sweet young man , I know I would be proud to call you my own.

Remember the best revenge is survival.

Wish I did not live on the other side of the world, but I do.
Always here for you sweetie.

Sending you a huge mum hug.

I so agree with Rainbowmum, it's imperative that you do not let these negative emotions take you over. Although you have had a rough time(and I can probably somewhat relate, I mean, if you saw my community, it would blow your mind) in your 16 years, you shouldn't feel that taking your life is so important, that it out-weighs the possible greatness you have to offer the world. We can all tell you "oh please don't do it" or "it's not the answer", but at the end of the day, it's not really what we say that will hit home, and resonate with you, but it will be the realization that you are an important person, both inside and outside, as every other person on the planet is.

Everrrrybody has a purpose, and is integral in the grand design of which I like to call "Life's Musical", from the actual Musicians, to the stage hands and even the audience. without any of these things, the Musical will ultimately be a dud, and wouldn't be good, but if everything is there, it will work. You are part of this grand design, and if you remove yourself from it, than not only will you be missing an awesome show :3 , but you'll also be missing a chance to make the Musical even better.

Could you imagine how hard it was for gays that came before us? Even some of the older men and women, and even transgenders here have probably gone through it worse, as it is more acceptable and even welcomed now, than it ever was back then. Not to say that we have it easy in this generation, but it is significantly easier now, and without their strength, we wouldn't have the justice and freedom we have today. I heard on the radio yesterday morning that, Martin Luther King's right hand man was black, a mastermind who planned the whole march and was profoundly gay, and was very important in the social libraties and racial equalities we have now. I wouldn't have been born had this not occured, as I am of mixed heritage, and as you know, that was a no no back then. Back then for a gay man(and women), especially a racially oppressed black gay man, it was very difficult i'm sure, but you know what? He pushed through it, got that march to march, even when Martin Luther King pushed him away after threats of outing him as gay (even though he wasn't, atleast to our knowledge).

If nothing I've said so far has 'clicked' with you so far, atleast know this. If you were to succeed in your plan to end your life, think about all the thing's you'd miss, like other gay/lesbian/transgendered people who need someone to look up to? I know it's rough, but you have to know that deep down, you want to live, otherwise you would'nt have even bothered to login to GaySpeak, and type out your story. Personally, I felt really bad about myself, especially being bi-racial, for a long time, but I started listening to Tchaikovsky's music and it actually inspired me, to be me. He was one of the only famous gay composers of his time and one of the most talented. Now, I want to do the same thing he did, albeit different, and hopefully inspire other gay/lesbian/transgender kids and even straight kids, to be themselves and individuals, as all people should be allowed to be. If you were to kill yourself, you'd miss the chance to be another child/person's inspiration to be themselves, and help them to not go through what you're going through now.

At the end of the day, I'm just another person you don't know that is probably miles and miles away from you, but even still, I am a person none-the-less and as such can respect you as a person and your valuable life, even if I've never met you. All life is precious and should be viewed as something beautiful, rather than something to be tormented/manipulated and even taken away. I really hope you don't go through with this, and that you discover happiness.

HUGZZZ & KISSEZZZ

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Bowyn Aerrow, would you be willing to share your current feelings? I mean, people who survived an accident or were close to the death and were brought back, are often saying that it was a new begining for them. That they were sent back and it means they can do more, be better people, enjoy every moment etc. You know what I mean?
Do you feel that way?
Because I don't. I am glad I am here, but that's about it. I wonder if it is because it wasn't ment to be "an accident"?

I have mixed feelings about it.

For me there was no bright light at the end of a tunnel.... nor for that matter flames and pitch-forks. There was nothing. Most people who die report something on the other side, either it scares the crap out of them and they reform, or it inspires them to do more 'good works'.

I wasn't treated to a light show, nor flames nor anything to scare, inspire, reform, give me a clue, buy me a vowel to figure out the whole 'this is life' thing. God cheated me of an easy road - again.

To me it was basically 'more of the same' before and after death. Except after about two years of being dead (emotionally) and living in the dark (literally and figuratively) I finally got a proper diagnoses which lead to real therapies that worked to stem the melancholia of winter and the summer mania.

Through the past 17 years I have had my ups and downs. Some events make me glad to be alive and 'thankful' for those heroic ER doctors who resuscitated me, then there are events when I am resentful and wish those meddlesome doctors would have saved their black magics for someone else.

2 years after my demise, I met my current partner and we have been together ever since. (15 years - yay) . I also relocated from the big shitty, erm, city to a nice rural patch of ground where I have two acres of woodland to play in.

I finally put the final nail in using my degrees and papers to work on and sent into construction and became my own boss - general contractor, doing something I like to do and often love to do. To mix metaphorical critters here, like a dwarf I usually whistle while I work, true contentment with the problem solving, wood working and crafting things with my hands - something that I didn't feel doing other things - pushing papers, dealing with other people's problems, working for others.

I got clean and sober.

I finally grew the balls to put real distance between me and my sicker parents. I haven't so much as sent a Christmas card to either in nearly 10 years and you know what, I feel OK about that.

So I stopped seeking their approval, stopped seeking their love (something they are unable to give), I stopped playing their mind games and live my own life.

I buried a lot of hatches, axes and other things - resolved issues that at the time of my death were unresolved.

Did my death spurn me to do these things? I do not think so. Extended life gave me the opportunity to do things that I wouldn't have done if those ER doctors didn't bother to resuscitate.

I do not see myself more appreciative of life after than before death. Death was pretty much just a low point - I hit bottom - I guess you can't bottom out more than your own death :biggrin:.

[mrk2010]

I have mixed feelings about it.

For me there was no bright light at the end of a tunnel.... nor for that matter flames and pitch-forks. There was nothing. Most people who die report something on the other side, either it scares the crap out of them and they reform, or it inspires them to do more 'good works'.

I wasn't treated to a light show, nor flames nor anything to scare, inspire, reform, give me a clue, buy me a vowel to figure out the whole 'this is life' thing. God cheated me of an easy road - again.

To me it was basically 'more of the same' before and after death. Except after about two years of being dead (emotionally) and living in the dark (literally and figuratively) I finally got a proper diagnoses which lead to real therapies that worked to stem the melancholia of winter and the summer mania.

Through the past 17 years I have had my ups and downs. Some events make me glad to be alive and 'thankful' for those heroic ER doctors who resuscitated me, then there are events when I am resentful and wish those meddlesome doctors would have saved their black magics for someone else.

2 years after my demise, I met my current partner and we have been together ever since. (15 years - yay) . I also relocated from the big shitty, erm, city to a nice rural patch of ground where I have two acres of woodland to play in.

I finally put the final nail in using my degrees and papers to work on and sent into construction and became my own boss - general contractor, doing something I like to do and often love to do. To mix metaphorical critters here, like a dwarf I usually whistle while I work, true contentment with the problem solving, wood working and crafting things with my hands - something that I didn't feel doing other things - pushing papers, dealing with other people's problems, working for others.

I got clean and sober.

I finally grew the balls to put real distance between me and my sicker parents. I haven't so much as sent a Christmas card to either in nearly 10 years and you know what, I feel OK about that.

So I stopped seeking their approval, stopped seeking their love (something they are unable to give), I stopped playing their mind games and live my own life.

I buried a lot of hatches, axes and other things - resolved issues that at the time of my death were unresolved.

Did my death spurn me to do these things? I do not think so. Extended life gave me the opportunity to do things that I wouldn't have done if those ER doctors didn't bother to resuscitate.

I do not see myself more appreciative of life after than before death. Death was pretty much just a low point - I hit bottom - I guess you can't bottom out more than your own death :biggrin:.

I have to say, I admire and respect your blunt honesty in your posts Bowyn. Just wow. :-)

[Nick9]

Hi Bowyn Aerrow and thanks. You pretty much summed up my feelings. I concentrate more on me and my feelings, I tried a lot of new things, but... I don't make world a prettier place for others I guess. Well, I can work on that one. I am glad that I CAN do that. That I am still here.
Thanks again.

[HollandofFrance]

trying to seek love from a noncaring friend or relative sucks and when you stop it gets better i think

[ZombieSlayer]

thanks for the responses guys. i feel a tad bit better and i'm gonna see my counselor whenevr i can.

[James]

Cody, I would miss you, Jim