No mutual attraction

[WheresTheLove]

The problem I have when looking for a boyfriend is I can never find someone I'm attracted to who is attracted to me. I usually look online on certain websites since I don't like going out much, and I'm not into the social scene.

Not to brag, but I do get a lot of message of guys who claim they want to date (probably just sex though). Though honestly there's no bragging to be done. I don't want random sex anyway. But the guys who do seem to want to date me... I'm not attracted to them. =s And I may seem shallow but I can't get into a relationship with someone who I'm not attracted to. Also I get hit on by a lot of older guys who are like in their 40's and 50's, which I am not okay with because I really want someone who is near my age, and these older guys just seem desperate and like they're looking for whatever they can get.

Guys that are near my age seem to have little to no interest in a relationship with me. There could be several reasons for this, but that's another topic. The ones who are just want sex. And the ones who want a relationship I'm not attracted to. I think this is because unattractive guys are insecure and desperate for a relationship ASAP? Maybe not though.

And honestly, I don't think I'm picky.

Also, there has been a guy or two where we had mutual attraction, but our personalities clashed too much but that's a whole separate issue.

Does anyone else have this problem?

[Kiid]

I had the same problem. Its not being shallow at all. I think it is very reasonable. Getting into a relationship with someone for the sake of getting into a relationship doesn't mean you are going to be happy (I found that out fast) Date someone you like is always a good start. If they don't fell the same then move one it is not the end of the world.

[Sylph]

I can totally relate to you 'Love . Especially the hit on by older guys thing, but I tried once to persuade one guy to date someone closer his age, cause we totally had nothing in common, but he just replied "I want someone young and fresh" :mad: .

Anyway, I believe that when the time is right, someone will just fly into your life and sweep you off your feet. Even if your not a romantic person . It makes no sense trying to force it, cause it won't happen. At the risk of sounding totally corny, it'll happen, and "you'll just know".

Goodluck on your quest :biggrin: .
(by the way, woohoo fellow libran :p )

[Toby]

Erich Fromm wrote a book I really liked called "The Art of Loving." It's very insightful in terms of how we view the idea of relationships (romantic and otherwise). He feels that because we live in a consumerist culture, we view other people like products. ex: "How can I get the most bang for my buck," or "I want the most amount of satisfaction out of someone for the least amount of effort." I don't mean this necessarily applies to you specifically, but everyone. He mentions in the beginning that "Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved, rather than that of loving, of one's capacity to love. Hence the problem to them is how to be loved, how to be lovable." He goes on to say that, basically, a person's objective should be to love. Love actively (which I think would've been a much better movie title than "Love Actually"). Focus on finding the lovableness of others and love will come to you.

I don't know if any of that is actually helpful but... there ya go. Attraction is temporary. Life is short. Practice loving others. It's not as easy as the movies try to make us think it is, but it's a lot more beautiful.

P.S. I know I used the word love to an annoying amount. My apologies.

[LateBloomer]

Erich Fromm wrote a book I really liked called "The Art of Loving." It's very insightful in terms of how we view the idea of relationships (romantic and otherwise). He feels that because we live in a consumerist culture, we view other people like products. ex: "How can I get the most bang for my buck," or "I want the most amount of satisfaction out of someone for the least amount of effort." I don't mean this necessarily applies to you specifically, but everyone. He mentions in the beginning that "Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved, rather than that of loving, of one's capacity to love. Hence the problem to them is how to be loved, how to be lovable." He goes on to say that, basically, a person's objective should be to love. Love actively (which I think would've been a much better movie title than "Love Actually"). Focus on finding the lovableness of others and love will come to you.

I don't know if any of that is actually helpful but... there ya go. Attraction is temporary. Life is short. Practice loving others. It's not as easy as the movies try to make us think it is, but it's a lot more beautiful.

P.S. I know I used the word love to an annoying amount. My apologies.

It was helpful to me.
Thanks.

[Toby]

It was helpful to me.
Thanks.

Awesome. I totally recommend the book to anyone who happens to be a human being. I think about those concepts all the time. A word of warning though, it was written in the 50's I think, so his views on gender roles are pretty outdated.

[dfiant]

It's the way of the world. The youngs ones are viewed by the older ones as 'desperate' because the young will do anything. The young ones view the older ones as desperate becase they are older and will do anything.

What I am trying to say is that age is irrelevant, blokes are all the same regardless of age. I get as many messages from 20 year olds as I do 60 year olds all after the same things, which coincidentally I am not after.

It's just the way of the world. I'm just saying.

[Sylph]

Dfiant... Your "Libra-ness" is showing :p .

I can totally see where your coming from(especially being a fellow Libra ), age truely is a number and maybe what you say is very much a reality, but I have to politely disagree for only one reason.

Common Interest. Without this very seemingly infantismle factor contributing to a relationship, what do you have? True a relation consists of multiple things, and I'm sure your more experienced then I am, but without common interest how can you form a relation with someone, let alone hope for it to sail smoothly like a ship?

I have to be honest, older men frighten me in the regard that, although they may be harmless, they are older, more powerful(not always physically), already set in their ways, stable and everything that I, as a budding college student, am not.

I'd much rather "grow-up" with someone my age, experience new things with someone who is equally at my level, not meet someone who's already done these things and are usually only after one thing(not to sound like a woman >.>).

I love people in general, and wouldn't mind hanging out with people double my age, but when it comes to romantically, I can't feel comfortable. No offense to anybody, but I really believe in this.

Can you honestly say Dfiant, that if you were dating an 18 year old, you could find yourself genuinely interested in what he's interested in? I mean sure, depending on what it is, you probably could, but what if it's not reciprocated?

I feel the reason why the "young ones" view relationships this way, is because we don't want to lose out on our youth or any new experiences, because we've settled down with someone who's probably experienced those same experiences many times.

I tried dating a 28 year old, but he was only trying to be my "daddy" as he put it. Saying that he was my man and other condescending things. It turns out he had been stalking me since I was 13 and I never knew it. Maybe it's his fault I feel this way towards this topic, but that's just how I am now.

It's sad to think that anyone thinks someone else is"desperate", but some people really are. The things I've seen and heard would probably make you cringe, and they almost all had something to do with an older man and younger boys/men, so yes, I sometimes see them as desperate when the relentlessly target you, but it also can work reverse.

I just basically feel that, unless you can totally connect on a level beyond physical and reach that emotional/mental part and match it equally and genuinely, then it shouldn't be pressed any further. It would only lead to disaster. I can't say I've met a 30yr old with the same mentality as a 18yr old(I hope not, cause that can't be healthy), but it could possibly happen, but only if it's organic.

Nobody is pathetic or un-worthy because of their age, and can find love in anyone, but if it's not organic, then that means it's artifical and personally, I don't want an aftifical relationship/lover.

I hope I didn't offend you(or anyone else), but I kind of felt I had to reply and elaborate on my previous post abit.

Huggz though

[dfiant]

You are alluding to things that I haven't even insinuated, I'm sorry, you've lost me all together in this conversation.

My comments were about the dating game, and we all know 'the dating game' mean a quick fuck.

[Rainbowmum]

Relax , you will find Mr Right.
You can not force these things.

Hugs