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25yo and need advice from from those of you who HAVE turned your lives around...
#1
So I'm going to make this as short as possible, even though I could write a novel about how I'm feeling and my life but I know no one will read it.

First off, I'm going through a horrible time, I've hit 25 and feel like an incredibly huge loser. I've never been in a relationship EVER, never kissed a guy or even held one's hand, and I don't know what's stopped me from killing myself but I think it's some kind of hope that things might change.

The biggest thing is I have a horrible self-image, I'm overweight (working on that) but I'm also losing my hair. What kills me is I'm 25 and probably look a ton older with my receding hairline, not to mention once I go completely bald in a few years I'm going to look like I'm 40 Sad and it makes me so fucking angry that life can be so unfair to people. It's not like I have money or some talent to fall back on. So now even if I went out or made an online profile I'd get denied because guys go for looks. Hey I dont blame them because attraction is what it is, I'd do the same thing if I were them, I just fucking hate how I've gotten the short end of the stick in life.

So here's what I'd like to know...I watch a YouTube video with this guy giving advice and he said something that stuck with me, he said if you want to change you have to go to people who've changed, so I'm looking for advice from someone who's been in my situation. Of course anyone can contribute their advice (and I will read it all), but I'm really focused on those who've been in my shitty situation and have turned their lives around. How do I NOT GIVE A SHIT and just go out there and "make it happen", I just can't get myself to change. I'm too afraid to do anything, make an online profile, message people, I just feel like a huge fucking loser. Anyone who says "just do it!" doesn't understand.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Have you went from some ugly dude to getting into relationships with people you find attractive? How did you develop your MINDSET where when shit gets tough or scary, you can rely on?

Thank you so, so much!!!
#2
Hi, TJ. Sometime threads get buried so I'm giving yours a Bump

Hope you get some replies.
[COLOR="DarkSlateBlue"]Deep wells must be dug
If you want clear water
Rose-red oh Rose-red
deep waters don’t run still

~ Rammstein - Rosenrot[/COLOR]

Intuition will tell the thinking mind where to look next. ~ Jonas Salk

You don't shine by putting out someone else's light.
#3
Hmm...

I can relate a little.

I had a very negative body image when I was younger.

I also had a solid bald spot at age 28.

I'm not sure what to say....except something I heard a long time ago and I've seen it repeated here many times...

"You cannot love someone else until you love yourself."

Along the same lines: "You cannot BE with someone else until you can BE WITH YOURSELF."

What does all of that mean? It means, you need to know what you CAN CHANGE and what you CAN'T change.

Personally, I started going to the gym to work on my physique (that is something I COULD change).

But eventually, as my head got balder and balder, I started to buzz my hair very short. Now I'm totally bald on top and literally shave my head every couple of days.

Fuck it, you know? THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT MY HAIR.

There is something I can do about my body and eating habits.
There is something I can do about my personal interests (get a hobby; join a club).
There is something I can do about the people I spend time with (ditch the vampires).

You're RIGHT, you need to surround yourself with successful people. Another thing people say is: "If you want to show me who you are, show me your friends."

Another thing, common sense: stay away from drugs, lots of alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, porn, all the typical vices. (Taken one by one, they're not a problem, but when you start combining these things together with low self esteem you're asking for problems).

And FINALLY: Take the focus off YOURSELF and go volunteer for people who have it a lot worse than you do. Go spend time serving soup at a soup kitchen, or teaching prisoners to read, who knows? But when we focus on OUR problems too much we become neurotic and unbalanced.

There are plenty of people who have it a lot worse than you but still thank God everyday for their food.

Best wishes.
#4
Hey TJ,
Finding something your interested in doing, such as a particular hobby is a great way to start. It can get your mind off the stresses of life. Ask yourself what types of things you enjoy doing or if there is anything you would like to learn? (exp: a foreign language, art, music, etc.) Changing things up in life can help make a difference. If your concerned about your weight, try finding workouts that peak your interest. I personally don't enjoy going to the gym but I love going for a walk or practicing martial arts, which I enjoy and get a workout at the same time.

You are the only one who can start making positive changes in your life.
I too haven't been in a relationship ever, but I know one day I will and you will too.
Don't get discouraged, get motivated Biggthumpup
#5
Boy. Stop dwelling on the negitive. It never gets you anywhere positive. I know this from experience. Think of all the good. Like work and friends and family. I'v was fired from my job not that long ago. I was shitty and down for a good about of time. And then I decied to just go with what life gives me and stop feeling like i'm usuless cos I'm not neither are you. It dosen't matter if you haven't held a guys hand before you still go pleanty of life left.

My main advice don't dwell on negitive thoughts. And aim at getting you're life on track before you go for a man. And while you are doing all this who knows. Often you end up with someone when you lest expect it.

And please don't hurt yourself. Self harm isn't nice for you or for the ones who love you.
#6
There's something known as the quarter-life crisis. Much like the mid-life crisis, but hits those out of college realizing just what the real world is... it's perfectly normal to go through, and it will improve... but not without you making some improvements on your own.

I didn't have the hair issue, but have been up and down in weight. But I got up and exercised; ate better; and lost some. I always still had some belly, but I felt a lot better about myself.

I found myself in debt too, in my case, due to poor decisions, bad luck, and also when I first tried to get out, I was taken advantage of by a "debt relief company." But I found ways to spend less, as my income slowly increased (still low, but every bit helps). And I'm not completely out yet, but I'm so much closer now. I was able to make it through those hard years.

If you're looking for what can motivate you... I'm not sure. I'm not even sure what motivated me... I do know when I was overweight, I put some pics on bear sites, and that helped to find out that there were people out there that still found me attractive - and some of them I even found attractive! Didn't do much good for me living in rural Iowa. I suppose those I just realized that nothing I tried was making me feel less lonely, or helping me to get a new start, so I just needed to enjoy what I could in life. Sure I didn't have a significant other - but I had friends and family. Sure, I couldn't buy all I wanted - but that gave me drive to enter writing contests etc. There's no magic answer though, so if you're looking for that, I'm not sure I can help you... just know that it's possible.

As for losing your hair, some people find that look sexy. I don't know if you'd look better with a shaved hear or not, but consider doing something to your hair and head that's more than a combover Smile
#7
everything cycles, but only that. You are going through a odd period in you life and will find a solution. You will be strong where others are having difficulties.
#8
TJ,

When it comes to hair, if it's really bad and costing your confidence - shave it. Try to seek treatment at the same time. From what I've heard a hair product called Rogaine can treat hair loss but the drawback is you will have to use Rogaine your entire life. I do not experience hair loss but I like to massage my scalp with Vitamin E oil daily.

Another thing that I would really recommend you to do is to take vitamins daily. I eat a lot of vitamins myself. But if finance restrains you from spending a lot, just buy one bottle of multivitamin. Centrum is one of the most recommended multivitamin brands out there.

Plus do check your dietary. What you eat can affect and reflect your appearance. Hair loss can also happen due to stress and the way you live your life.

Shaved head is not bad at all. You will feel awkward at the beginning but you will get used to it. I've shaved my head many times before.

You can reverse back from looking old to your actual age.
You just need to change your dietary and lifestyle. Start eating healthier stuff. More homemade and less 'produced' stuff. Get off the greasy and salty stuff.

Exercise pumps up your blood flow and circulation. Good blood flow brings vital nourishment to every cell of the body including your skin cells. It also acts as a receptacle that helps to remove waste from skin cells.

By the way, drink a lot of water. Not soft drink but water. Get enough sleep too.

Quote:It's not like I have money or some talent to fall back on.

This mentality needs to go out of the window. You need to appreciate who you are if you want to succeed and change your entire life for the better. No one is perfect but always do your best to bring out the best in you.

If you don't have money, find a way to earn it. We all have to start from somewhere (mostly from the ground) to earn money.

As for talent, we all have talent. But lack of self confidence tends to make a person thinks he has none. What do you love the most? Play video games? Playing games require talent and skill. Some people utilize their mad love towards video games by becoming video games tester. And they make money out of it.

Quote:So here's what I'd like to know...I watch a YouTube video with this guy giving advice and he said something that stuck with me, he said if you want to change you have to go to people who've changed, so I'm looking for advice from someone who's been in my situation. Of course anyone can contribute their advice (and I will read it all), but I'm really focused on those who've been in my shitty situation and have turned their lives around. How do I NOT GIVE A SHIT and just go out there and "make it happen", I just can't get myself to change. I'm too afraid to do anything, make an online profile, message people, I just feel like a huge fucking loser. Anyone who says "just do it!" doesn't understand.

How about this one, TJ? I hope in a way this Before and After photo can help to boost you out.

[Image: Before--After04.jpg]

That was me. It took me around 6 years to morph myself but it's truly worth it. I was 363 lbs (165 kg) and currently steadily hold myself at 165 lbs (75 kg).

Was it easy? If you know how to do it, yes. But I warn you that most people can be horribly devilish and they will try to make you quit your mission. So you really need determination, willingness, sincerity and even stubbornness in order to succeed.

My skin was horrible when I was morbid obese. I also looked older, struggled to walk and always out of breath. Majority of people nowadays think I am 20 or 23 whereas I am actually 28. Three people actually thought I'm still studying in college.

My motto is simple, which is exactly what most people are against with - Just Do It. Please don't tell me that I don't understand because
  • I was humiliated by my own big brother in a crowded school hall. He refused to admit that I was his own brother.
  • I injured my left leg when I was a kid and morbid obese made it worse. Yet i never used it as an excuse not to run and exercise my butt off. Despite receiving flack and mockery from people around me.
  • I received death wish from an old man when I was around 10 years old. He said I was too fat for a kid and does not deserve to live.
  • I was humiliated by kindergarten kids when I was a college student. They called me fatty.
  • I was mocked and insulted like hell every single day when I was in the mission to lose weight. Teenagers in my jogging park loved to mock me when I was doing my exercise.
So don't give excuses whatsoever, if you want something, just do it.

If you want to change your life, get off the couch right now and get to move. Don't wait for another 30 minutes or tomorrow. Do it now.

Another thing, think of you first before others. Don't worry with what other people want to think of you when you jog in a park.

Last but not least, I give you another guy who turns his life up side down for the better. His name is David Smith. He becomes a total muscle stud now.

[Image: DS-BandA.jpg]
#9
Jay, wow! I never would have guessed you were over 300 lbs at one time. Good job getting healthy, dude! Biggthumpup

A lot of people don't believe me, but I was around 220 lbs out of high school....I'm about 170 now. I plan on keeping it that way. Like LateBloomer said, change what you can, accept and let go of what you can't.

I have a tendency to beat up on myself too, and I know that's the problem. I have a decent job, a roof over my head, my health, etc. I've never really been in a REAL long-term relationship but I've had a few short lived ones, and I appreciate what they've taught me. I get lonely a bit sometimes, but I do remember I do have a few good friends who care about me. It's a struggle sometimes, but it's one worth fighting for.

I tend to do better when I just do things (go with the flow, or "going at the speed of life", as I like to say) and get out of my own head. The folks saying don't go overboard with the negative thinking are pointing down the right path.

You might not strike gold in the romance department at every turn, but if you keep trying (with realistic, not distorted/negative, expectations) you might be surprised with what you get. There's a Youtube clip in which comedian Patton Oswalt talks about how he used to worship Edgar Allen Poe until he read his complete works, at which point Oswalt concludes that 95% of it was bad. But because Poe wrote all the time, he wound up with gold nuggets like The Raven. The take-home point? Keeping being yourself out in that big wide world of ours, and that 5% will find you and appreciate you for who you are.


#10
It wasn't weight for me but the hole I had to climb out of was deep...and it was as tough as anything you can imagine. I am lucky to be alive...it is why I beleive in God...someone was watching out for me. I knew I was destined to be a loser or a junkie if I didn't find a way to overcome my circumstances and the advice I am going to give you are the things that worked for me and the things I believe will work for anyone who is experiencing difficulties overcoming things in their lives.....I am not going to go into specifics but let me assure you it was horrific.

The #1 thing that helped me...if you find yourself wallowing in self pity...kick your ass out of there. It will kill you. If you hear yourself whining...tell yourself to shut the f*ck up...if you can't...find some friends who will do it for you. I am serious...this was the best thing I ever did for myself and the single thing that I can credit for helping me get the edge to overcome most everything...yesterday, today and tomorrow

...and the second part of that...I like to think it terms of yin and yang...take an equally stern positive approach to everything. It is easy. Find things that inspire you...things you admire...people you admire...things that make you laugh and cry...things that make you feel hopeful...if you cannot find these inspirations then go and look for them and when you find yourself down use the positive energy to bring you up...the people before me in this thread are excellent inspirations....they have given you advice to be treasured.

The reason I say this....and no one usually wants to hear this...after awhile the whining and the self pity will either eat you up or eat up everyone around you as it will drain their energy and it will be the albatross around your neck. I want to tell this to alot of people I see come through here but I fear I will get stoned to death for not joining in the obligatory pity party...

...but I can tell you that my best friends who have since passed on...three guys (who were also all Libras for some reason)Confusedmile:...they kicked my ass all the time...and they saved my life in every way you can be saved...I actually feel like they are still with me sometimes and where I usually avoid these threads I am giving you this info mainly because I was thinking about these guys today and remembering how grateful I am to them.

I hope that helps you and if not,,,maybe someone else reading it can get something from it. You can overcome the situation you are in...you have to find a way to believe in yourself. If you have old wounds inside of you...you have to heal them. If not...food can become a refuge from the feelings you want to avoid.

Good luck to you...you CAN do it.


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