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3-Year Predicament - And I'm kinda scared...
#1
Hey all,

So, I have been in a relationship with the same guy for three years now. And from what I have seen on two recent instances, things are fizzling out, and I need to make him see this.

Here's the problem: we moved in together about a year and a half into the relationship. When we were dating, things were awesome between us. When we moved in together, things took a drastic change. He has gotten snippy at me for things concerning the kitchen, cat litter, and then finally blew up at me over a bagel. This is just tip of the iceberg...

Whenever I went out with my Gay friends, he got jealous. Now, keep in mind, I have friends that are Gay that I am platonic with - I believe in monogamy in a relationship.

We have split up three times, and got back together three times. The second time, I was away from him for three months, and we started talking and planned to work things out. The third time, he threatened to call the police on me and wanted me out of the house in the weekend, because I was out with my friends (straight friends this time), I had called him and told him I was gonna be late, and he accused me of being at a Gay bar, hooking up with guys.

That last one hurt big time, and I let him know of this. I had a new place all set up, and we talked again, and he apologized profusely, and wished he hadn't said anything. We agreed to give it a go again, but I warned him that if things are not working out, and if he is having any doubts, to just let me know.

Well... I have caught him twice now, trying to hook up online. Through sources (friends) I know online that are more trusting, they said he was out and looking to meet a couple different guys online.

I guess you can say I'm very shocked right now. Or should I not be?

What scares me is, this guy has some pretty gnarly anxiety and anger issues. He will let it fly at the drop of a hat when we have fought, as you can tell with him calling the cops on me for even disagreeing with him. He just has this controlling streak in him, and I'm having a hard time shaking it. When I go to tell him whats up and everything, he gets really miserable and apologetic about it, and doesn't want things to end. And he goes and pulls this stuff.

To note, I am not pulling anything behind his back. I have my friends, he has his. I like to have a good time and hang out when I get the opportunity, with and without him. And he does the same, and it has been like that, and I thought things were cool.

So I sit here, depressed about it. I guess I just felt like venting or whatever. I just need out of this mess...

Thanks for reading.
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#2
Yes, you said it. You need out of this mess. His behaviour is bullying and controlling. You don't need it. If you decide to stay with him do you honestly think things can get better?
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#3
marshlander Wrote:Yes, you said it. You need out of this mess. His behaviour is bullying and controlling. You don't need it. If you decide to stay with him do you honestly think things can get better?

It is clear they won't. I asked him to be up front and he has not been.

I am honestly considering writing him a letter and leaving it while taking what I can over to a new residence. If he can't pay me the respect of telling me whats up, why should I to his face?
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#4
Hmmm. Sounds abit like the the situation I'm in.

http://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?t=17102

If there is threatening and controlling behaviour in a relationship then your probably best not to stay with him. Your psychological and (in time perhaps) physical well being is most important.
If he isnt prepared to address his anger issues say through counselling or a anger management course then yes as you know things won't change.
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#5
Toppo Wrote:Hmmm. Sounds abit like the the situation I'm in.

http://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?t=17102

If there is threatening and controlling behaviour in a relationship then your probably best not to stay with him. Your psychological and (in time perhaps) physical well being is most important.
If he isnt prepared to address his anger issues say through counselling or a anger management course then yes as you know things won't change.

The sad thing is, he does therapy every other week, with a psychiatrist. It does not help.
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#6
I'm a person that doesn't tolerate bullying of any kind, it is never warranted and there is never a reward....it's only punishment for the victim...YOU are the victim.

I think you should get out of the relationship, if it can be called that. Maybe it was once. Writing him a letter is not a bad idea, but as well as doing that I would also confide in friends and have them around you as much as possible once you move because I can just see this guys isn't going to let sleeping dogs lie...he WILL end up on your doorstep and I would hope that you aren't alone when that happens.

I wish you all the very best, I know it is a huge moment and step, but it is step you must take. Keep us posted Wink
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#7
I have alot of experience and this advice usually makes people uncomfortable but it is the truth every time...

If you have a man who "suspects" you of cheating and going out on him and it is not true...he is ALWAYS projecting his own feelings on to you. He is not whole...he is separated inside of himself. This is his own choice because if he was honest with himself he would not be projecting on to you. Alot of times someone's ego prevents them from owning their own sh*t and displays of rage and trying to control everything around them are symptoms.

I avoid these people...they are always trouble and they will turn everything they do into something YOU did if given a chance...totally toxic behavior.

Tell him to take that to his therapy session and if his therapist doesn't understand immediately...find a new therapist.
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#8
it sounds kind of dangerous, letting him know youre leaving might set him off, make sure you have some friends with you when you move out.
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#9
dfiant Wrote:I'm a person that doesn't tolerate bullying of any kind, it is never warranted and there is never a reward....it's only punishment for the victim...YOU are the victim.

I think you should get out of the relationship, if it can be called that. Maybe it was once. Writing him a letter is not a bad idea, but as well as doing that I would also confide in friends and have them around you as much as possible once you move because I can just see this guys isn't going to let sleeping dogs lie...he WILL end up on your doorstep and I would hope that you aren't alone when that happens.

I wish you all the very best, I know it is a huge moment and step, but it is step you must take. Keep us posted Wink

I will make it clear that he won't be authorized on my new property until I give the OK, and he has to call first. He won't let sleeping dogs lie, and I'm in for a ride when it goes down. I'm not prepared to deal with that (or so I feel).
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