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Being the one he cheated on him with
#1
Hey guys,

I'll make this short.

Earlier this morning, the guy I've been seeing/talking to for the past two months and I had a chat in which I detailed my misgivings about him not sharing his problems with me and blocking me out of the equation because of it. After saying that it was hard for me to help another person like that because it felt like I was having the 'wool pulled over my eyes,' he promptly replied with, 'maybe it's best we just do our own things then.'

After talking with my roommate about what had happened, and about some of the things he'd done/said/not done/not said, she deduced that he was most likely cheating on his partner with me -- because he had not given me his phone number on our first meeting and had called as an unlisted number, because he refused to speak about his problems and the fights he kept having with his 'best friend,' how he wouldn't friend me on Facebook and also how, when we talked about making plans for me to go up and stay with him over the weekend, he suddenly backed down saying that he didn't have 'enough money for me to stay with him,' even though the plan had been to just stay in at his place and just hang out.

Now... from the experiences I've had with him and the things he's told me/slipped and said (basically how his mother reacted oddly familiar to his 'best friend' and an ex of his,) I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I was the 'forbidden fruit' in his relationship.

I know I shouldn't feel like this is my fault--because in the end, he was the one who started this whole thing and my naivity and overly-trusting nature over the situation really defeated me in this purpose--but I'm feeling extremely shitty right now and I'm kinda at a loss on what to do. I mean, I can't really do anything about the way I feel (nothing can fix that,) and I've already decided not to contact him anymore, but I feel absolutely disgusted that I didn't pick up on the signs and not only got into a psuedo-romance with him, but also agreed for him to come down to where I live and spend the weekend with him in a hotel (and it's not like we slept on the two separate beds in the room... which, now that I think about it, should've been another sign, especially since he said that one was for 'messing around' and the other 'sleeping.') [Yeah right.] It's a horrible feeling to know that not only had feelings for and slept with someone who was involved, but also metaphorically stabbed said guy's partner in the back by proxy.

Anyhow, any advice/thoughts would be appreciated. If you would, please refrain from laying any blame on me. I already accepted the fact that my overtrusting nature was ultimately the cause of this. I just want some advice on the matter.
#2
sometime in Your life you will be the one cheating.
It will happen, like a lot of things good bad experiences and until that time you have experienced that you will feel "absolutely disgusted". I think you are naive and overly simple.

along those lines you need to be careful. Not everyone lives their life as you do, in fact everyone is incredibly different. Pick and choose what makes up your moral code:
-what is an immediate deal breaker
-what is unacceptable but allow one more chance
-what to ignore
-acknowledge what needs infrequent maintenance
-what behaviors to emulate in your own life

for me; gay men are not falling from trees, yet.
i would date that boy again; its his choice to cheat on his partner. If he broke up with his partner i would date him again as possible relationship material with certain rules in place. If he was married but gay out to himself Hmmm ...
#3
Don't blame yourself. You obviously saw some things you liked in him, and being a good hearted person that's willing to give others the benefit of the doubt, you allowed yourself to rationalize the signs that you now know should have cued you in that you were his "strange."

Keep the good memories and, the lessons learned, you'll be less likely to be in that position again. Don't let it ruin your ability or willingness to trust, just know that you will need to be a bit more cautious about it next time.

That's what life does to us, we get older, go through a few relationships that go south for some of the worst reasons. We beat ourselves up for a while, learn a lot and come through it a little older, wiser and a bit more jaded. It's up to us as individuals not to let those things sour us on love or life.

For now, take the time to be good to yourself, do something special for you. Even if that's just a long bath with your favorite bath salts and your favorite music. Maybe a trip to Starbucks is the thing, maybe an afternoon window shopping. Whatever it is, just do something for you and only you that makes you feel good.
#4
Quote:Anyhow, any advice/thoughts would be appreciated. If you would, please refrain from laying any blame on me. I already accepted the fact that my overtrusting nature was ultimately the cause of this. I just want some advice on the matter.

I don't see how anyone can blame you. I just hope that you have the shits with the right person. When we meet new people we don't know the truth from a lie until we get to know this person. In the beginning you fell in lust with a whole bunch of lies that you were being told, no one can blame you for that happening.

You have got to know the guy and discovered the truth and in my honest opnion you have done the right thing by cutting off contact with him...just walk away and keep walking.

Make sure you don't have the shits with yourself, you have done nothing wrong...have the shits with him, he lied to you, lead you on and made you feel and believe something that wasn't true.
#5
If you don't know what a person's life is, such as not knowing they are married, in a partnership and you do things, you can't be blamed.

I know that that is an intellectual thought and doesn't touch the heart right now. I suspect in time you will feel it as well.

Meanwhile, you need to distance yourself from this guy. Regardless of his reasons, he is not a healthy individual with all of that secrecy going on.

It hard to see the symptoms and signs. We so desperately want to believe that humans are generally good and decent. Thus we bury our suspicions and doubts away.

I fear that that means you are acutely, terminally, undeniably human.
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[SIZE=4]I told you I had the body of a 25 year old....

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#6
BeautifulBlue Wrote:Hey guys,

I'll make this short.

Earlier this morning, the guy I've been seeing/talking to for the past two months and I had a chat in which I detailed my misgivings about him not sharing his problems with me and blocking me out of the equation because of it. After saying that it was hard for me to help another person like that because it felt like I was having the 'wool pulled over my eyes,' he promptly replied with, 'maybe it's best we just do our own things then.'

After talking with my roommate about what had happened, and about some of the things he'd done/said/not done/not said, she deduced that he was most likely cheating on his partner with me -- because he had not given me his phone number on our first meeting and had called as an unlisted number, because he refused to speak about his problems and the fights he kept having with his 'best friend,' how he wouldn't friend me on Facebook and also how, when we talked about making plans for me to go up and stay with him over the weekend, he suddenly backed down saying that he didn't have 'enough money for me to stay with him,' even though the plan had been to just stay in at his place and just hang out.

Now... from the experiences I've had with him and the things he's told me/slipped and said (basically how his mother reacted oddly familiar to his 'best friend' and an ex of his,) I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I was the 'forbidden fruit' in his relationship.

I know I shouldn't feel like this is my fault--because in the end, he was the one who started this whole thing and my naivity and overly-trusting nature over the situation really defeated me in this purpose--but I'm feeling extremely shitty right now and I'm kinda at a loss on what to do. I mean, I can't really do anything about the way I feel (nothing can fix that,) and I've already decided not to contact him anymore, but I feel absolutely disgusted that I didn't pick up on the signs and not only got into a psuedo-romance with him, but also agreed for him to come down to where I live and spend the weekend with him in a hotel (and it's not like we slept on the two separate beds in the room... which, now that I think about it, should've been another sign, especially since he said that one was for 'messing around' and the other 'sleeping.') [Yeah right.] It's a horrible feeling to know that not only had feelings for and slept with someone who was involved, but also metaphorically stabbed said guy's partner in the back by proxy.

Anyhow, any advice/thoughts would be appreciated. If you would, please refrain from laying any blame on me. I already accepted the fact that my overtrusting nature was ultimately the cause of this. I just want some advice on the matter.


Beautiful Blue, I wonder how many of us forget that people are not always what they pretend to be on the Internet. How many women are there out there who pretend to be men, for instance... How many married men, or engaged men are pretending to be single? Could be you'd have been disappointed to 'meet' this person in their real life, for that reason or a similar one.

You can blame it all you want on your deep trusting nature, but if there were any blame to lay, I'd also put it down to the fact that you were deeply wanting (craving , aching ?) to connect to someone real, and that's the logical and honourable part of the equation...


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