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Boyfriend ex-prostitute - help
#21
rockstar1985 Wrote:marshlander
Thanks very much for the reply. Do you think it's normal for a couple of 5 months to seek counseling together? Also I wonder how many sessions we would need? I don't know much about it but I'm doubting I can afford it right now Sad.

I can't imagine what it would be like to discuss past experiences so freely like you and your BF. In one way it sounds ideal but for me I don't think this is something I can have in my day-to-day. Did it start out like that or were there hurdles getting there?
I don't know what is normal. I really hope I am never considered merely normal!

Counselling can be expensive. I don't think there is any way around that. It is also a bit of a risk, because so much in counselling relies on the interaction between counsellor and client. Sometimes one has to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince. Here in the UK a lot of employers actually subscribe to an external counselling service which is normally accessible by employees for up to six sessions. I don't know if there is anything like that available where you are? It is completely against the agreement for any employer to be told who has accessed the service, let alone what has been discussed.

With PA and me, we started our relationship by being penfriends first. We wrote to each other every day for months before we even spoke on the telephone. We certainly knew a lot about each other before we ever met. I have yet to find something we can't talk about. This is down to him and I thank him for it. In my previous relationship I had to keep so much hidden because I knew any mention of most things was likely to be explosive. In the end one learns to shut up. One of the many things I love about PA is that whatever I say he doesn't resort to judgement. We just enjoy exploring ideas and we are both able to laugh at many of life's absurdities. That is not to say we haven't both experienced a fair share of pain. Sometimes a hug is only appropriate response.
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#22
mrk2010-
Thanks, i am feeling much calmer, this forum has really helped me get my thoughts organized. I think I am confident sexually but ive never been with someone so experienced. I am guessing he has had between 50 and 100 partners in the past but I don't know exactly. I wanted to know if im pleasing him as much or more, and my curiosity got the best of me. I should not have asked in that way but I think my wanting to know was natural... you are so right about sex not being the center of the relationship, it IS so much more, but somehow I'm having trouble getting my mind around it. Thanks so much for the encouragement.

azulai-
Thank you for the detailed reply!! It's good to hear someone knows where I'm coming from, and especially why I might feel like I need to cry about this. I feel so silly sometimes. I cried really hard (alone) after he told me the "It's great the first time isn't it." It's not so much the reality of him being with other men before, because I have as well (2 other men as a top). After sex is just a really emotional time for me and to have that reminder of his experience that he can never have with me was just too much for that moment. I did talk to him about that and he was understanding and very apologetic. I also teared up some last night before I went to sleep and I felt better this morning.

I think you really hit the nail on the head with this being a dichonomy. I guess I really did have this dream deep down that I didn't really realize until now. It runs pretty deep because I'm not so much aware of it. Somehow I need to evolve, hopefully that will start to happen. I guess mourning is not such a bad thing.

As for the questions, you are right that I really can't wrap my head around it. If I had to do that to go to school, I would not go to school. If I had to eat ramen noodles every day to survive, I would eat ramen noodles. To me selling your body is also selling your soul (or at least I thought this before)... but do I have a right to be angry with him for something he did in the past? If I am angry, how do I let it go? I don't think it's aggression that I should direct towards him. He never DID anything directly to me but sometimes I do feel attacked by his past decisions. I am the same way with self-control, while I feel the desire I learned to dismiss temptation at an early age. I can tell you from our limited conversations about it that ultimately he does not know why he did it or was capable of it, and regrets it more than anything. He also told me he had a real problem with saying no in the past, and that he had a deep desire for someone to "take control."

When I say that I can't imagine discussing past experiences, I am talking specifically about his sexual past. I don't know if I can emotionally handle it, I get so filled with raw emotion, pain, and confusion. I think this is me being self-protective more than I'm trying to protect him, but both are there. Also I don't think it's fair to beat this into the ground with him. I don't want to punish him. I do think he can handle it but this is serious trauma for him.

Regarding the maturity of our relationship--I first met him in 2008 in Germany and we kept in touch, but really no possibility of being together. After I visited him twice this winter and spring before he graduated we made a decision for him to come, so the 5 months started at that point. So he is here completely on my account. I can with confidence say that overall I am very very happy with our relationship, I've never been so happy. Living together is tough in many ways--I never expected to be the type to live together so soon, but the circumstances required it and we are learning and growing together. I believe this is completely worth fighting for, and I see a definite long-long-term possibility. I HAVE to handle this, for me and for us... but I hate the feelings of heartbreak I get over this.

Mikey1-
Thanks for your comments and advice, and the reminder that this being so early that time could take care of a lot of this. But I suppose a talk is also in order.

marshlander-
Haha you're right I should forget "normal" ;-).
I will look into the counseling thing, even if it's anonymous I would be wary about getting it through work.

The start of our relationships have some similarities! I did meet my boyfriend 3 years ago and spent limited time with him in Germany, but the last 2 1/2 years we were limited to online chat but I was able to really learn a lot about him and contemplated possibilities for the future. I wish I could shut up and I want to tell my mind to shut up but as azulai mentioned above I guess I am having this dichotomy of my expectations with reality that I need to take care of. Thanks for telling me about your story, it's good to know how other people manage these feelings.
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#23
First off, you have to understand that for the two of you, what the other finds important is not the case for the other (i.e. you bottomed for the first time). I've been in the same position as your boyfriend and so I understand what he's doing what his going through. As for you, just relax and just start to think ahead and not backwards towards his past because I would think that it is almost irrelevant to even talk about. Acknowledging that fact about his past is great and all but don't concentrate on it too much, it will make you insane. If he loves you, he loves you, no questions asked.

At this point, financial support is not what he needs. He needs to know if you love him regardless of who he is before you met. Don't worry about the fact that he seems to not care.....he does, although it's not that apparent.

Just remember, calm down and think about your future and not the past.
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#24
rockstar1985 Wrote:. To me selling your body is also selling your soul (or at least I thought this before)... but do I have a right to be angry with him for something he did in the past?


To sell your body, especially at such a young age is less about choice and more about survival. You need to get the idea that he CHOSE to do this out of your head, you need to understand this was his way to SURVIVE, and now 6 years later, he is here...he SURVIVED and he has chosen to be with you.

You have no right to be angry at anyone for what they did before they knew you, you have no right to be angry at anyones past.

Your partner has moved on from his past and he is building his future.

Your are going back and living in a past that he wants to forget, if you keep taking him back to his past, you will lose him, no 'ifs' and no 'buts', you will lose him.

So how are you going to get over this...well to but it bluntly you have put your relationship on a knifes edge and in reality it has nothing to do with your partner, it's all you. Right now it seems you are going to have to leave him OR you are going to have to turn yourself around and look to the future as your partner obviously is and build a better future together

It can't get any simpler than that, and I sincerely hope you chose to turn around and look to the future, there is something special there between you guys...look at that...not his past.
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#25
I'm sorry to be late to post here but I wanted to offer my bit, and I did skip past all the responses due to time so I apologize if any of this has been said or is inaccurate. From what I did read, it seems like you are making it about him having had a lot of partners in his past but not dealing with what the experience was actually like for him. But if it was prostitution, it is not like it was sleeping around just for fun. Even if it was for fun, people change and we need to focus on the present/future. But specifically with something like prostitution, there are probably feelings of shame and regret - as evidenced by the comment about not leaving money on the table. It most likely is not something he wants to remember. He wants to replace this sordid past with new memories of love - with you. If you get upset, you'll keep reminding him of a past that he likely is not proud of. I can't say I blame you for being bothered; I can't say I wouldn't have had thoughts cross my mind as well. But if you think the load is heavy for you, imagine what it must be like for him.

I knew a girl in college that I found out later had prostituted herself in Japan (she was an international student). She actually liked me, which unfortunately collided a bit with the time that I was just beginning to realize my sexuality, which was right before summer. I never saw her again and I often wonder where she ended up, because I know her experiences had led to issues like drinking to escape. Your guy has you to help him escape. If you guys really love each other, be that escape for him. And if you can't do that, maybe you aren't right for each other. But I would hope a past he's told you about (I mean, he could have kept it secret, but he didn't so he trusts you) would not be a reason to end things if everything else is clicking. And I don't know if it will help to think of his time as something he regrets, but perhaps it'll get rid of some of the images - which to be honest, are probably hotter than any reality he had to endure.
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#26
rockstar1985 Wrote:After sex is just a really emotional time for me...
There's nothing wrong with that, but he needs to know. Just telling him once isn't enough either. You have an emotional need after sharing your body with him but he may need time to internalize how this really effects you. You might need to give him time to grow in understanding this but don't deny yourself this need.

rockstar1985 Wrote:but do I have a right to be angry with him for something he did in the past? If I am angry, how do I let it go? I don't think it's aggression that I should direct towards him. He never DID anything directly to me but sometimes I do feel attacked by his past decisions. I am the same way with self-control, while I feel the desire I learned to dismiss temptation at an early age. I can tell you from our limited conversations about it that ultimately he does not know why he did it or was capable of it, and regrets it more than anything. He also told me he had a real problem with saying no in the past, and that he had a deep desire for someone to "take control."
I think unfulfilled expectations can sometimes manifest themselves in anger. I guess I just wanted you to be careful and just aware that you could be subconsciously angry. The "attacked by his past decisions" may be a spot where you really need to internalize that he was a 15-16 year old kid.

rockstar1985 Wrote:When I say that I can't imagine discussing past experiences, I am talking specifically about his sexual past. I don't know if I can emotionally handle it, I get so filled with raw emotion, pain, and confusion. I think this is me being self-protective more than I'm trying to protect him, but both are there. Also I don't think it's fair to beat this into the ground with him. I don't want to punish him. I do think he can handle it but this is serious trauma for him.
I respect that ^^^ and you know your relationship, your emotional limits and his emotional limits. I think knowing our limits is very important to our mental stability and health. Knowing when to back off is wise.

rockstar1985 Wrote:Somehow I need to evolve, hopefully that will start to happen. I guess mourning is not such a bad thing.
Maybe you need to re-prioritize a few things?
rockstar1985 Wrote:I can with confidence say that overall I am very very happy with our relationship, I've never been so happy. Living together is tough in many ways--I never expected to be the type to live together so soon, but the circumstances required it and we are learning and growing together. I believe this is completely worth fighting for, and I see a definite long-long-term possibility. I HAVE to handle this, for me and for us... but I hate the feelings of heartbreak I get over this.
Ken, I was thinking about your question of how do you move forward. I tend to ascribe to the philosophy that we should take a negative and ask how we can change it into a positive. Maybe that's where you need to start?

There are facts about your relationship that cannot be changed. You have to accept those as truths, kind of make friends with it. But, are there things you can do that will give you the sense of special intimacies with your boyfriend?

Sometimes we think sex is the ultimate intimacy. Sometimes we are taught that and it inhibits us.

But, what about YOU trying to create other intimate firsts? When you find your mind racing to thoughts about the past, kind of grip them with your mental fist, and tell yourself, no, not going there. This is where you now use your self-control we learned as kids.

And instead, use it as a moment of mental activity to concentrate on other forms of intimacy:
>what about giving him a full body massage and worshiping his body with your hands? your lips? Take the act of sex out of the picture.

>the other thing I thought of was, what about slow dancing? I know this might sound silly but one of the most romantic things my boyfriend did for me was we had a slow dancing night. It was incredibly romantic and pretty heady. We're also cheap college students :tongue: so we have to be creative. There was this scene in a movie we had watched and he remembered that I thought it was erotic. It was a surprise for me that he went and bought candles and made his place very romantic. I don't think I'll ever forget it.

> IDK, use your imagination and go a little wild to create love and intimacy and memorable firsts for yourself. Maybe your job is to work on romantic firsts that you can both share. Wink

Also, you might want to spend a little time when your mind gets out of control and think of how does he express his love for you on a daily basis? Again, try to bring positivity into the light, and just try to refocus your mind.

rockstar1985 Wrote:I wish I could shut up and I want to tell my mind to shut up
This is so me. :biggrin:
I think you are both two special individuals that have found each other. I think you are fighting for an understanding that is going to enrich your relationship and I respect that. Sometimes people give up too quickly or don't ask themselves the tough questions. I wish you much happiness!
[COLOR="DarkSlateBlue"]Deep wells must be dug
If you want clear water
Rose-red oh Rose-red
deep waters don’t run still

~ Rammstein - Rosenrot[/COLOR]

Intuition will tell the thinking mind where to look next. ~ Jonas Salk

You don't shine by putting out someone else's light.
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#27
azulai Wrote:>the other thing I thought of was, what about slow dancing? I know this might sound silly but one of the most romantic things my boyfriend did for me was we had a slow dancing night. It was incredibly romantic and pretty heady. We're also cheap college students :tongue: so we have to be creative. There was this scene in a movie we had watched and he remembered that I thought it was erotic. It was a surprise for me that he went and bought candles and made his place very romantic. I don't think I'll ever forget it.

Well that's just too adorable for words.
When a subject is highly controversial — and any question about sex is that — one cannot hope to tell the truth. One can only show how one came to hold whatever opinion one does hold. One can only give one's audience the chance of drawing their own conclusions as they observe the limitations, the prejudices, the idiosyncrasies of the speaker.
- Virginia Woolf
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#28
I think you should fuck his past and give your bf thumbs up for being honest with you. Coming out as a gay man is hard, but now, exposing his dark past to you is even worse. Can you imagine the turbulence of emotional unrest he had to struggle just to come clean with you? Life is not easy, if he had a choice, I don't think he would have wanted to be a prostitute in the past. Consider it as an act of desperation.

Don't be so judgemental, pal. You hate others for criticizing you, so don't do the same to him. Don't dwell in the past, we live in the present and for the future. I can tell your bf loves you madly, otherwise, he would not had tell you the truth. Don't give up on love and don't give up on him. Coz finding someone who loves you just the way you are is difficult.

Look on the bright side, with the sexual expriences he had, this guy is a king on bed, and know how to please his partner(you) that makes you keep coming back for more. It's not too bad if you asked me when he works that manly plowing moves on you.
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