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Dating/Friendship Advice
#1
Hey Guys

So i met this guy back in January, and I always thought it was headed towards a date/FWB type of relationship, however having confronted the guy about his intentions (and that i felt he was stringing me along), he made it clear he wasn't ready to settle and date and only wanted friends, and see how that would proceed.

So, unfortunately, I kind of like the guy and want to see him more. Respecting what he's wanting, I'm going to maintain this 'friendship', however this is where I feel its kind of confusing.

He tells me he doesn't have sex with someone unless he knows them well, because in the past he gets too attached to someone he has sex with. So even though he wanted to be friends, he does from time to time become rather flirtatious and sexual, which I'm all for. However, we have never gone beyond sexting.

I do genuinely believe he is a kind and genuine guy , and I somewhat feel like he does like me, however he isn't ready to date. (He just got out of a relationship in November?, and his past boyfriends have all ended rather terribly. Death was involved.)


Do you guys have any advice on how I should approach this, because I do want to see if it could get somewhere in the future, yet I know there's the possibility that nothing will ever come from it. As a side note, I have never had a guy friend. All my friends are girls, and I do happen to actually think like a stereotypical girl. Any advice on how to tackle this "friendship"

Much appreciated guys

X
#2
Appreciate the connection you do have without putting to many expectations in it. Let things develop at their own pace. Keep being open with him about where you're at. I think it's great that you confronted him about what you felt, and worked through it. That's the key to a good relationship (friends or romantic) right there.

To me, online flirting and sexting is just playing around when there's nothing in person to back it up. I had a guy I was texting for 2 or 3 months, we were hot and heavy into sexting. When it came time to meet in person, he backed out because I wasn't being exclusive with him. Which was something I was clear from the start about, that I wasn't ready to settle down and commit to anyone. Of course, a few weeks after ghosting on me, my current boyfriend moved in with me, go figure.

Also, don't be heartbroken if he has a rebound fling or hookup. Some urges override our sensibilities at times. Something like that happening, when there isn't an explicit relationship, isn't about you and him, it's about him.

Don't get romantically invested in the guy until he says he wants to date you. Figure that the possibility is there but don't make dating or a romantic relationship a goal with him.
Those who have HATE in their heart are HATEFUL PEOPLE
#3
hey man,

ive tried to get so much advice from so many people, and I havent had someone give such concise, and appropriate advice for me.

In terms of communicating with him, how should i approach it? don't text him unless he texts me, or usually give him a few days of space? I dont want him to feel as if im pressuring him, he's respected my opinions and i want to respect his too.

thank you so much

x
#4
aaaa1aaaaaa Wrote:hey man,

ive tried to get so much advice from so many people, and I havent had someone give such concise, and appropriate advice for me.

In terms of communicating with him, how should i approach it? don't text him unless he texts me, or usually give him a few days of space? I dont want him to feel as if im pressuring him, he's respected my opinions and i want to respect his too.

thank you so much

x

Awe, thanks...

As far as specifics, you have to play it by ear.

As far as sexting, let him initiate it. As for regular texting, limit it during working hours, ie don't text him all day long. Every contact does not need to be soul baring intimate stuff. You don't have to flirt in every text. You want to come across as caring about him and his problems. Not needy and desperate. Develop your friendship, learn what he likes.

If you don't get a response right away, don't take that as a sign of rejection and start blowing up his phone. People get busy and someone pinging them constantly can get annoying.

Most of the texts between my boyfriend and I are rather boring. How's your day been? Anything exciting happen? What do you want to do this weekend? Have for dinner? etc...
Those who have HATE in their heart are HATEFUL PEOPLE
#5
aaaa1aaaaaa Wrote:In terms of communicating with him, how should i approach it? don't text him unless he texts me, or usually give him a few days of space? I dont want him to feel as if im pressuring him, he's respected my opinions and i want to respect his too.

you have to go by what feels right to you. there is no right or wrong out of context. different situations and different guys call for different approach. you should be able to intuit what's more or less right/wrong under the circumstances. and, of course, a lot of it has to do with the chemistry between you two, or how you guys fit together.

one of the most important things, in my opinion, is not to resort to artificially modifying your behavior. if you want to text/call him, then do that. don't fall into the habit of thinking that he has to initiate things. hopefully, you both will do it. but if, at times, you are doing more initiating than he is, then that on its own is not necessarily a problem. don't start counting who calls more or things like that. it's mostly useless.

go with what comes naturally and feels good to you. you have to be yourself and act like yourself in order to get an adequate gauge on your friendship. if you're in doubt about what he might think then let him know where you're coming from. communicate with one another. friendship is an important thing. sometimes it comes easy, sometimes it takes more work. don't be turned off by the perspective of talking things through if the occasion calls for it.

even the simple question you asked us -- whether you should initiate texting with him or should wait for him to -- you should be asking him this. it's not anything weird. just ask him what he thinks about it -- does he like the way things are going? does he want to do something differently? does he need space sometimes? tell him e.g. that you love talking to him but that you don't want to pressure him at the same time. that's a perfectly legitimate concern. talk to him. really talk to him. this is how this thing works. it doesn't work by one party doing the guesswork in the dark and then waiting for the other to do something or explain themselves.

this is how human communication goes. it really doesn't make much difference whether it's between lovers, friends, or relatives. with anybody who is important to you it takes a higher than average degree of openness and honesty with the other person. you have to get over the precautions regarding your comfort and safety, and the wariness of awkwardness.
''Do I look civilized to you?''
#6
thank you so much guys.

really appreciate this.

I feel like i just want to text and hear him speak everyday, but of course I know im just being needy. I'm trying not to text everyday, i never double text and always wait for him to reply before i reply.

Is it rather stupid that i'm holding on to this, hoping for something that people don't seem to think will work out? I can get through parts of the day really well, and then parts of the day I just wish he would message or initiate something.
#7
Well, I've always tried to live by the motto, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. So, while can hope that things will develop, be prepared for them to not work out.

He needs time, so you need to be prepared to wait awhile.
Those who have HATE in their heart are HATEFUL PEOPLE
#8
kindy64 Wrote:Well, I've always tried to live by the motto, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. So, while can hope that things will develop, be prepared for them to not work out.

He needs time, so you need to be prepared to wait awhile.

Thank You everyone for your advice. Hopefully i'll be able to handle this a bit better now.

much appreciated everyone.

x
#9
aaaa1aaaaaa Wrote:Hey Guys

So, unfortunately, I kind of like the guy and want to see him more. Respecting what he's wanting, I'm going to maintain this 'friendship', however this is where I feel its kind of confusing.
I do genuinely believe he is a kind and genuine guy , and I somewhat feel like he does like me, however he isn't ready to date.
X

As someone who is going through almost this exact thing at the moment (I want to date, the other guy isn't ready) I know exactly where you are coming from. I am very thankful you posted this as I was about to write a similar one because I have no idea how to handle the situation myself and needed similar advice as well. Having not ever dated someone (or even thought about it for that matter) it's all brand new to me but there's something about this guy that has me all sort of messed up haha.

Anyway, Follow the rest of the guys' advice on here, it seems to be pretty in line with what I have talked about with the guy I'm fond of. He admitted that he likes me and would consider dating but just isn't ready yet. Unfortunately it's all about how to be patient and as someone else already said, 'let things happen on their own.'

aaaa1aaaaaa Wrote:I feel like i just want to text and hear him speak everyday, but of course I know im just being needy. I'm trying not to text everyday, i never double text and always wait for him to reply before i reply.

Is it rather stupid that i'm holding on to this, hoping for something that people don't seem to think will work out? I can get through parts of the day really well, and then parts of the day I just wish he would message or initiate something.

1. no it's not stupid. Holding on to feelings about someone, especially one you care for and want to be with is not stupid, at least from the start.
2. From my own current situation, I will say to be careful and even if you you want to spend every second of every day with him and talk with him non stop (I've been struggling with this same thing myself) you need to be careful and remember that trying to force something on him will only push things further apart. Definitely stick with the casual conversations and occasional times you get to hang out without trying to make them too numerous that he feels you're coming on too strong.

MOST IMPORTANTLY as someone else already said: communicate. If he doesn't know how you are progressing there's nothing that you guys can do to remedy the situation. Be careful not to get too emotional either. I nearly fell apart in front of my guy one night confessing how much I liked him (luckily he is super relaxed about these things and understood what I was going through). Any other guy I firmly believe would have ran away screaming. So yea, learn from my mistake. Explore your thoughts and feelings with him, but keep control of them when you do. I was told by a good friend once that "If someones wants to be with you, they will make an effort to do so" and I firmly believe that to be true.

Best of luck, feel free to IM me if you ever want to trade stories or scenarios with me since we're in a similar boat! I can't guarantee I'll be especially helpful since I'm new to this process but sometimes just talking about it helps just as much.
#10
The simplest thing is maintain the friendship and putting your feelings aside.

He's not ready and that much is clear so any wishful thinking on your part needs to be crushed on the ground. For the moment.

It maybe that eventually something can develop. But it may also not.

The question is: Are you up for this? Being his friend and nothing more?
[Image: 05onfire1_xp-jumbo-v2.jpg?quality=90&auto=webp]


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