Desperately need advice

[confusedx]

This post might turn out to be a little lengthy, so I will apologize beforehand. This issue has been torturing me for the past few months.

A little about me- I consider myself straight as I have had quite a few serious girlfriends and had never been attracted to men. I am gay-tolerant in that I have no issues with gays but have never really paid much heed to the homosexual agenda.

So now the dilemma...

My best bud and I have been friends for over 15 years now. Straight up bromance lol. He is a straight-laced work-o-holic type of person who is pretty damn shy and has a hard time talking to strangers and especially women. He has also NEVER had a girlfriend before. He's a pretty good looking guy; a lot of girls have been interested in him, he just doesn't seem to reciprocate? I used to attribute that to his shyness but yeah... We've talked about girls a lot in the past and I've asked him about his relationship issues. Back when we were younger he said he'd wanted a girlfriend eventually if he found someone special but nowadays he uses work as an excuse and then subtly diverts the topic to something else. Hell I was probably busier than him and I still managed to juggle dating/job/classes. He is turning 27 soon and has never been in a relationship! I can practically count the number of dates (most of them set up by me) that he's had on one hand.

Quite honestly, I didn't even think that much of it until a close female friend brought up that he might be gay. I thought she was kidding at first but yeah she was serious and it got me thinking. Now you might be wondering why I didn't wonder first if he was gay; first of all, I'd known him for such a long time that it was almost unfeasible for me to think that I didn't know such a huge aspect of his life. Secondly, although I'm not happy to admit it, I did hold a stereotype about gay men that he definitely didn't fit. He's a fitness junkie, plays a lot of sports, not feminine at all, plus that shyness around girls made me think he was interested in them. Also our circle of friends' machismo pretty much knew no bounds and we would randomly crack insensitive jokes in bad taste, and he never seemed offended. Oh and he's a devout Christian. Religion and homosexuality never seemed to go together... Anyway I do apologize for the misconceptions, I know better now (not that it's relative to this topic).

Sooo...my thoughts about her opinion. I wasn't disgusted or anything. Shocked, yes disgusted, no. She mentioned that back when we were dating (forgot to mention we were in a brief relationship) she used to think that my friend was jealous of us and that he had a crush on me, and that she still thinks he likes me. She also had to mention that our bromance was over-the-top and if she didn't know any better she'd assume we were a gay couple... lol people have made fun of our bromance before but yeah to hear about it in such a long and serious discussion...

Anyway, what she said made me keep thinking about little things that happened between me and him that I'd thought nothing of back when it happened but upon reflection could have hints. I mean meeting up with my friend was awkward as hell in the beginning after this possible 'revelation' but we've been friends for so long that I just feel the most comfortable around him. I started to think that if he does like me, it may not be so bad to be in a relationship with him. I mean I've been in all these relationships with women that failed in short periods of time (compared to 17 years) but he's been to me a friend, a brother, practically a soul mate for almost as long as I can remember.

I researched many articles about homosexuality and tried watching some gay porn which kind of grossed me out... odd thing was that I actually got off while thinking about fucking him. We still meet often and I've just had all these thoughts stewing up inside me for months now. It's really very frustrating and I really don't know what to think or do.

So a few questions... am I over-analyzing all of this? Is it possible for a 'straight' man to be attracted to only one guy? I do believe that I am romantically attracted to my friend but is it possible that I am confusing feelings of platonic love with romantic attraction? If I am attracted to him, how come I never really noticed my feelings before my ex's prodding? I don't even know for certain whether he is gay or straight. Hell he could be asexual. What would be the best way to breach this subject with him? Keep in mind that he is a very shy person, so I want to be very gentle with this.

I have a lot of concerns about this because the last thing I want is to ruin our friendship. TBH I'd rather take this to the grave but it's just been so difficult these past few months. I'm usually a touchy-feely person by nature, but these days when we meet I've been careful in avoiding too much contact; don't get me wrong it's not that he makes me uncomfortable, I'm just worried I might get aroused or something lol. He's pretty perceptive though so I won't be able to keep this up much longer. Also please keep in mind that we have many mutual friends, our parents are friends, we attend the same church, so I can't just blindly act on a woman's intuition (I mean I do trust her, but she's not infallible right?) and possibly ruin my life. Not that I think outing oneself is ruining one's life but I'm not even attracted to any other men! The last thing I'd want is for me to be outed when I am not even gay.

Would I be considered gay..? :confused:

This post turned out pretty damn long even thought I skipped so many details. This situation has been eating away at me for some time now so I would really appreciate any advice. I've considered visiting a psychologist as well but I would prefer the anonymity of the internet... If there are any boards or web resources you could recommend to someone in my situation, that would be much appreciated as well. Thank you for taking the time to read this long rambling post.

[Beaux]

Hi! Situations like your own are one of the many reasons I am opposed to lables. Sexuality isnt black and white, it is a very individual and personal thing that is often fluid at different times of our lives.
There are men and women who have only ever and will only ever be attracted to one gender or the other. However there are a vast number that are attracted to both, sometimes a specific person, sometimes at specific times of their lives.
It is very possible to love a person and be attracted to them. Many a bromance has gone that direction.
As for what to do? Yes you did give us an excellent account of your self and the issue at hand, but how to handle the issue really depends more on your friends personality. I am reluctant to make suggestions with out knowing more about his personality, however, with the closness that you have indicated that you share, I imagine that it shouldnt be too difficult to breach the topic in a subtle fasion. Talking is always a good starting point.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck.
Beaux

[Pseudo Rob]

If I've learned anything talking to people over the internet, its that you can be attracted to basically anyone and any thing.

So, you want to stick your penis in to a guy; does this make you gay or bisexual? The answer is: who cares?

I say that you get this girl (or another girl who is close to him) to ask him if hes gay and then report back to you what his response is. Then you can decide what to do from there.

[fredv3b]

Just a thought, just because your friendship with him is deeper, more meaningful and longer lasting than any relationship you have had with a woman, does not necessarily mean that your friendship is more than friendship.

On a more practical note do you know what his views on homosexuality actually are? You implied that you only think you know what he thinks on the basis of his Christianity.

[jbrowder24]

I agree with everyone people has said. We put labels on stuff like gay, bi, straight, but I believe sexuality is a spectrum. Say someone might be bi but 80 percent lean towards the opposite sex, 20 percent to the same sex - or vice versa. From your post, you seem to lean much more towards the straight side, but whose to say you can't at least fantasize about your friend too?

However, I would caution about proceeding with him. If he is indeed gay and has had long-held feeligns for you and you decide to do more with him but to you it's more of a friends with benefits thing, it might confuse him and he might want more. Now if you end up talking and he's fine with casual, or if you decide you'd be willing to have more of a formal relationship, then okay... but if he's struggling with his sexuality, it's best to be clear with him either way and to not add to his confusion, IMO.

And yes, just because your female friend suspects it, doesn't make it so... but the excuses about waiting for the one, being busy with work, etc. are pretty common for someone trying to avoid the subject because they really have other interests. It's hard to tell though... does he consider himself gay? Bi? Is he wanting to be straight and supressing feelings? Or is he a rare case where he actually really is picky and busy? It's a tough subject to bring up, but even if you don't outright ask him anything, maybe you should pick up on something in news or entertainment and start talking about it in a way that makes sure he knows you are okay with gays. If he does have feelings but has been unsure what you might think, it may help him to feel like he won't be judged if he tells you his feelings.

[Rosie]

I am gay-tolerant in that I have no issues with gays but have never really paid much heed to the homosexual agenda.

Secondly, although I'm not happy to admit it, I did hold a stereotype about gay men that he definitely didn't fit. He's a fitness junkie, plays a lot of sports, not feminine at all, plus that shyness around girls made me think he was interested in them.

First, I have to say there is no "homosexual agenda" we just want to live our lives like everyone else. Second, the majority of the gay men at my gym match that description. :tongue:

Honestly, I think that people can and do mistake what they feel for their close friends for romantic love. I think if you're going to ask him about his sexuality you need to tread very carefully. If he says he is gay I wouldn't bring up what you're feeling to him right away, I'd let things sink in for awhile. For one thing, just because he's gay and you're close doesn't mean that he feels a romantic attraction to you -- I have an EXTREMELY close friend who is straight, we just have this special connection like nothing I've experienced with anyone else, but it's purely platonic. I can't really comment on whether you're actually gay or not as I never went through a questioning phase, I just always knew I was attracted to women. Good luck!

[zeon]

Hello,
First off when religion is thrown in it causes a different kettle of fish... I beleive the bible only states Man shall not lie with man... It doesnt condone homosexuality and I know alot of church goers who are homosexual and out with it in the church... Some dissaprove and some arte acceptive but those who are acceptive they understand have always loved them in life..
I wouldnt worry too much about what is happenning with your friend or yourself just allow yourself to be free... I used to go to church when I was younger but disowned my religion once it started confusing me and the vicar wasnt exactly gay friendly so i basically told him to shove the bible up his arse and walked out giving the V sign... l would just recommend being yourself your true self... If you turn out to be gay understand it is natural and alright... Its not a disease its not a sin its life... It is human beleief that makes it what it is and I do beleive you just need sometime to yourself... If you havent already experimented with other guys before it may be wise to give it one go and decide from there... Least when ya die you can tick it off the list of things to do in life and be able to say to yourself... I tried it it wasnt for me and thats that OR I tried it I loved it I know i am what I am...

Dont worry you can be a proud christian homosexual... Loads of others are

Kindest regards

zeon

[confusedx]

Thank you all for your insight. I will agree with several of you in that putting a label on sexuality is not the way to go.

I am actually meeting up with him for drinks on Saturday night and was going to try to bring up this topic then. Should I have my female friend speak with him about it instead? I think it may be awkward for me to straight up ask about his sexuality if he's been in the closet and has been hiding that secret from me for so long. I'm afraid that if I ask him myself he may start avoiding me or something.

I don't know exactly how he feels about homosexuality but I believe he is accepting. I know that he is friends with at least one gay man (coworker).

Rosie, I apologize for my choice of words. By homosexual agenda I meant gay rights issues and things like that. Sorry for the confusion.

Zeon, thanks for letting me know about homosexual Christians. It always seemed like religion and the gay agenda were at odds with each other so that's enlightening. Personally I'm more of the 'I go to church because it's a social gathering and I like those' sort of person but if my friend does turn out to be gay, this will be some very welcome news.

[jbrowder24]

Regarding if you should have your female friend speak to him, I guess it depends on if you think he'd feel comfortable talking with her more. If he knows you better, he might actually feel more comfortable talking about it with you... but if he's friends with her too, and she's willing, it might be worth having her ask instead... for some reason it is sometimes easier talking to a girl because you avoid the 'will they think I have a crush on them' etc type thoughts.

I sort of glossed over the religious aspect earlier and didn't mean to, just was in a hurry, but there are plenty of gay Christians, churches that welcome gays, and more, and lots of research on things like how the word homosexual didn't actually exist at the time the Bible was written and most verses are really against other acts (such as rape, molestation, etc). No where does it talk about love, nor does Jesus ever say anything on the matter, for those that are Christian. However, the most vocal opponents of gay marriage and such are those coming from a religious angle, so there are indeed times when things seem against each other. But that hardly means all gays and all Christians are against each other - as has been said, plenty of gay Christians, and plenty of non-Christians (gay or otherwise) and Christians being able to get along with each other .... they just usually aren't as loud as the ones trying to get in the news to sway elections and such

[azulai]

confusedx:
I can kind of relate to your description of your friend, so yeah, it's very possible he may be gay.

If you are seriously interested in him, I would caution using a "third-party" to question him, as in your ex-girlfriend. I would never confide in an acquaintance and if he's as shy and private as you say, he may be offended if he found out you staged that. JMHO.

Why don't you give hints of your views on homosexuality which would provide a safe zone for him rather than putting him on the spot? Also, trust in confiding such a thing would have to build no matter how long you've known each other, so I wouldn't expect him to tell you the first time you gave hints.

Just a suggestion: maybe take him to dinner, kind of be in date mode, and if he says something about it feeling like a date, maybe say something like what you hinted in your OP, that sometimes you feel like you have a better/stronger/whatever/more heartfelt relationship with him than any woman you've dated and see if that may open a door or at least give him confidence if he is interested in you. Push yourself, rather than push him. Open yourself up, rather than pry him.

Well, this is just another view point for you to consider. I wish you the best!

eta: sorry to say but I have evolved into being very anti-xan after all the bull/control/hypocrisy, so things are not all "peachy" with respect to religion for me. There are very ethical atheists, ok? Peace.