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Desperately need ya'lls advice!
#1
Hey everyone,

So I seriously, seriously need advice. Here's the situation. My best friend, Richard, and I have had a great friendship. We've had our ups and downs. When we first met like a year ago, I had feelings for him, and he rejected me, but then he initiated a friendship, and we became close. In the year since, we've had a lot of ups and downs as friends, but I always trusted him. Well, this past semester, I met a freshman named 'G' and was quite taken with him. He and I talked a lot, and I convinced him to join the Student Government, of which Richard and I were both in. So I tell Richard how I feel about 'G' and he tries to help me out, sort of like a wingman. Well, instead of that, Richard just becomes friends with this kid. Eventually Richard convinces me that G is straight, since that's what he told everyone else.

Every once in a while, Richard tries to set me up with a guy or two, but they are never interested, so I'm in a constant state of rejection. I get depressed about this, but eventually over the break I learn to love myself, yadda yadda, and I'm in a good place.

So flash forward to this Friday, my birthday. Richard tells me that he and Garrett have been dating for two months. My best friend, who I am sort of in love with but fine with being just friends with, is dating the guy I still have a crush on, and he knew I have a crush on this 'G' kid. First: ruined my birthday. Second, I'm not sure what's wrong with me. At first I was furious, then numb, then I was devastated and cried for three hours. And since yesterday, I've had no emotion. I'm not happy, or bitter, or angry, or sad, excited, etc. I CANT feel anything. I have no energy to eat. I'm hungry but I just don't feel like eating. I look into the mirror and I just see an empty shell looking back at me. I don't feel this way just because of the betrayal, sadness, rejection, and hurt of this situation, but as culmunation of everything I've experienced.

So, a few questions:
1. Should I keep being friends with Richard? I know the decision is up to me, but input is greatly appreciated.
2. What am I going through? I don't think its depression because I don't feel depressed. I don't feel anything. I don't even have the energy to make food, much less be angry.
3. How can I feel again? Whenever I try to muster up emotion all I get is anger and hate for Richard and his new boyfriend.
#2
Sorry to hear about your situation. You're In a state I like to call emotional trauma where someone shuts off their feelings do they don't feel the flood of emotions about to hit them.
So some comments
From what you've described you are close with Richard. It's up to you if you want to continue your friendship with him, however you must decide how much you value his friendship first, if you value it a lot you may want to keep your friendship but if you do, you need to have an open discussion with him about this issue. For me, there are 2 red flags being raised, the first part where he tells you G is straight and the second flag is that he knew you liked him and he didn't tell you that he was gay or if it was ok if he dated him.
That seems really backhanded to me. See what he says from that conversation and go from there

For now, try to eat what you can, once the trauma wears off (which it will) and your emotions hit you, you might be depressed and angry for a while after but your appetite will slowly come back too as you work through these emotions
I hope this helps
I haz a penguin!
[Image: penguin.gif]
#3
Yosuke, to my surprise I can't imagine you're not feeling a bit angry, betrayed or curious as to why this happened?

I'll put my place in your situation, though I may not exactly understand how you truly feel, I can only imagine that you're probably shocked about the situation, so shocked that you can't distinguish between all of the feelings you're having right now.

Firstly, your questions.

1. Should I keep being friends with Richard? I know the decision is up to me, but input is greatly appreciated.

You've known Richard for a year + now and you serve on the student government with him. Choosing to totally not be friend with him will impact your relationship on the board and it will most definitely make it awkward in situations that may arise.

Sure it's your decision to make, but before you do, consider the above. I suggest and if I were you, I'd talk about Richard, get some facts about why he did what he did and most importantly express how you truly feel about the situation. Because I'm not sure if I belief that you don't feel sad, angry, or betrayed. If you really don't have any feelings what so ever, then maybe perhaps this isn't such a big problem as it seems? I mean if you really liked this guy, wanted him so bad, you'll surely have some sort of feelings. Don't be afraid to confront those feelings. : ) it's okay.

2. What am I going through? I don't think its depression because I don't feel depressed. I don't feel anything. I don't even have the energy to make food, much less be angry.

"Betray No Emotions" in court cases we see this often, where a criminal would betray all emotions to hide the truth.

Nevertheless; your case is not of a court matter of course, but you betray your own emotions because you're probably afraid of facing the truth. You've been betrayed by your friend, a friend you trusted, and opened up to.

3. How can I feel again? Whenever I try to muster up emotion all I get is anger and hate for Richard and his new boyfriend.

First, I would talk to someone else, you said you cried, it's okay you can cry again. Being betrayed ins't the most easy thing to deal with, it can take months to be able to start accepting others again into your life. After you've expressed your feelings to Richard, choose what to do with the relationship, and move on from there.

Gosh it wouldn't be normal at all if you didn't feel angry, or hate towards Richard.

I hope you get better soon, and realize that it's okay to let your emotions show.

Lastly, I'm not going to say what I'd do in your situation, just because I don't want to influence your decision, you may take a different course than I would have. : )

Get better soon ! Sometimes, true love and friendship is earned.
#4
There is nothing wrong with you because you don't feel anything. I sometimes think of it as a state of shock. You're probably constantly thinking, "Why does this always happen to me?". You're just in a stalemate on how to feel about the situation. I'm betting part of you wants to hate Richard for his betrayal. After all, he is suppose to be your friend and under your nose he slips in and steals the guy you've liked for a while.

In turn that brings up questions that you may have been asking yourself, such as: "Was Richard really trying to help me or was he just pretending to be a wing-man to get Garrett for himself?

Ultimately, your friendship decision has to be made on your own basis. You know Richard better than we all do, so we can't definitely say don't be his friends. That is something you must decide on your own. Compare the pros and cons of having him as a friend and then ask yourself if you're in a state that will allow you to move past this initial hill of your friendship so that things can go back to being normal.

Your next move should be to talk. I am honestly a person who believes that talking out the situation will make you feel better. Don't coy to how they may feel, you're the one hurting and right now you need to talk. I suggest talking your feelings out with Richard. Maybe it'll help you express those repressed emotions and you'll be able to feel something again.

That and you should not bottle up your feelings. It really can be an emotional beater. I know talking to someone that hurts you is hard, but it can be very relieving when you're done. Also talk to someone outside of this situation. Another friend, maybe a parent, anyone who'll listen. You don't have to seek advice, just having a person who'll listen to your rant is just as good.

Talking, in my opinion, will make you feel better. It'll cut out those underlying emotions and help bring it all to the surface. Whether the outcome is good or bad, that's the way life plays out sometimes.

Think of this situation as a testament to your "I'm in a good place" statement. This is just another test that you have to hurdle over, but not be defeated by. You remember what helped you get to this good place and let that help you get yourself back there. It might even help you solve whatever you need to solve in this situation.
#5
Richard lied to you and he did it for months. Even if "G' was not interested in you, they should have been forthcoming about it. If I were you, I would find some better friends . . . real friends.

As far as you not wanting to do anything, you need to force yourself. Get out of the house, call up some girlfriends and start bonding with them. Don't let yourself sink into a rut because of these so called "friends' of yours. They are not worth it.

Let yourself be angry for a while. You need to experience and deal with emotion in order to get past that emotion. It is unhealthy to bottle it all up. Bottling up emotions is unhealthy for anyone . . . it just builds until you explode. Open the release valve and find away to do some stress management. Take out your anger on a treadmill.
#6
hello there,
Sorry to hear that someone you thought could be trusted had to shit on you and use you in a way which isnt fun or funny... I suggest to you that you tell richard two simple words Ahem, FUCK OFF! His the coldest of coldest friends you could ever have and any relationship you have he may do this again... Of course dont get angry because its not worth it however i find that this has hurt you dseeper than you think.. Richard saw you as a threat towards gareth and decided to steal him from you and rub it in. This is a mental game which will play havoc on your mind and it has started by making you feel numb inside.. On the other side i would say that youre possibly going to feel this way because it is hurt setting in.. If this isnt solved quickly it could turn to depression and its the last thing youj want... Let gareth and richard have each other and if either come to you for a potential relationship you say NO... Of course the decision is yours..

The ojnhly way forwards is to forgive and forget them both.. Let them be and move onwards because you will find another person who will be better than gareth and richard put together

Kindest regards and hugz

zeon x
#7
I'm sorry you had to go through all this. Things will get better, they always do Smile

Staying friends with Richard is totally up to you. You need to ask him why he did what he did and go from there.
#8
Yosuke Wrote:So, a few questions:
1. Should I keep being friends with Richard? I know the decision is up to me, but input is greatly appreciated.
2. What am I going through? I don't think its depression because I don't feel depressed. I don't feel anything. I don't even have the energy to make food, much less be angry.
3. How can I feel again? Whenever I try to muster up emotion all I get is anger and hate for Richard and his new boyfriend.

1. No. First he cock-blocked you, then he started dating this guy even though he knew you were interested in the fellow. Real friends don't play these games.

2. You are going through the 5 stages of grief - trust me this applies to much more than just a death. right now you are in denial mixed with depression. Sadly you are in denial not only that your 'best friend' is a S.O.B. - you are also in denial you are in depression. This is somewhat dangerous because when it does hit home your anger stage may be a bit 'dramatic' as you compensate for the lack of anger earlier on (as you should have some anger here).

3. Time wounds all heels. Wait, reverse that - Time heals all wounds.

Actually in this case both apply.

I strongly suggest you drop Richard. Preferably off a fishing boat with concrete shoes to learn him an important life lesson. However since murder is illegal everywhere you should settle by dumping him as a friend.

I doubt the other guy knew what was going on, it is not his fault. So do not take it out on him.

Don't bother telling him either, Richard will say anything to have this guy - he lied through his teeth to you, he will lie to his partner saying all manner of bad things about you.

Bet bet is to turn your back and walk away - as far away as possible.

Time will get Richard. Karma exists and it will turn around and bite him in the ass... eventually.
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[SIZE=4]I told you I had the body of a 25 year old....

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#9
You have a snake as a friend in Richard. Alot of people are walking around and what they appear to be is not always who they are. Sometimes they are better and sometimes they are worse than what they appear to be. When you get a chance to see the true character of someone...utilize the opportunity. Richard has shown you what his true colors are...I would suggest running away from him as fast as you can.

I know friendship means different things to different people so keeping that in mind.....what Richard did to you is unforgivable as a friend in my opinion. He acted more like an enemy. He lied to you about the guy being straight...he lied through omission about the two of them dating...he knew you were interested in him and pursued him. These are signs of someone who has no conscience.

The good news...you found out now rather than later. It is up to you but I have found out with experience that when someone does something of this nature..talking to them is pointless....especially if they have no conscience. I would just be polite and remove myself emotionally and physically from his presence.

Good luck dealing with this guy.
#10
Oh gosh. Thanks for all the replies ya'll! (sorry I'm from the South...lol). It means a lot that you all gave great advice. I wish I could reply to each of you, but I'll do my best and hit some major points.

Well I did force myself to eat today, and I painted with a new oil paint set. Granted it was a rather grim picture, but I had to 'paint' my feelings out of me. I then ran around our university's walking path, then went back to finish the painting. I can say it has done a little bit of good, though not as much as I hoped. I still cannot muster emotion for anything, positive or negative. On the other hand, the feeling of emptiness is gone. Perhaps with a week of this paint and jog therapy I'll find my emotions in a painting lol.

East, Bowyn Aerrow, Zeon, etc: Thank you! I know that Richard is a snake for what he did, and that what he did was unforgivable. I don't know if I can. And were we not better friends, and if he had never done anything altruistic for me, I would drop him immediately, no questions asked. I have come to the decision to not drop him instantly, but give him a chance to hear him out. Why? Well in the past year he has: surprised me with various small things, mostly food, that he knows I like, listened to and kept all of my secrets (I know this because I have some huge ones and if he told anyone it would DEFINITELY get back to me), and has been there for me when nobody else has, and has helped me to become the person I am today (much better than a year ago, and he never forced such change. We were good influences on each other I guess). He has been the best friend I've had in college (I guess because we are both gay and friends we connect better than I do with my girl friends). So, for all of the good he has brought me, I will listen to him. My advantage is that I know when he's lying. If I feel he honestly did not set out to hurt me, if he did it out of carelessness, or if this G dude pushed himself on Richard, or anything similar, I'll think about forgiving him. But it will be a difficult road either way. The pain of losing him as a friend, if he is genuinely sorry, would be worse than the pain I'm going through now...if I felt any lol.

Spobyer: Thanks! I really hope it is a part of the grievingn proccess. I'm only worried because even Madonna, my idol (I was born in the wrong decade) can't even make me feel anything, or rather, her music can't. I'm sure that's reason to be worried!

Everyone else: Thanks again for the help. Just having people to talk to it about makes things a lot better. I think of Richard and G together and I just can't even feel anger. I mean I was furious at him, especially for telling me on my birthday (did I mention that in my post?).

On an interesting side note, he and I went working out a few hours after he told me. I was so angry, hurt, devastated, and in pure anguish that my thoughts just seemed to stop. We were on the treadmills and I was looking at him out of the corner of my eye. He looked just fine. And I thought back to his first defense "Garrett makes me really happy", and something in me just flipped. And all the sudden, I reached down to increase the speed on the treadmill and there was a bright blue flash and a pop of electric charge and the entire machine just broke down. Somehow, I fried the computer inside the treadmill. I got stares from everyone around me, who thought that the machine shocked me, but it was the other way around. After that, I felt exhausted, and all my emotions just left. Do with that story what you will. I've never been one to belief firmly in telekinetic or psychic abilities. But that shock was powerful enough to break a machine that weighed four times as much as me. I don't know. Maybe I need to run on more treadmills lol.

Anyways, thanks guys, and goodnight!


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