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Horrible Self-Confidence
Hey everyone,

I am currently facing a pretty huge problem: I have close to zero self-confidence. It's very strange, because all my friends tell me I'm good-looking, I spend a lot of time making sure I look good, and I often find gay guys checking me out. (I don't want to sound conceited and like I'm fishing for compliments, but I just want everyone to know the background.) A while back, I was in a relationship with someone who eventually cheated on me and broke my heart. Since then, I haven't been able to trust anyone or even give anyone a fighting chance. It also doesn't help that I I am extremely shy and whenever someone cute is checking me out, I turn away and look in the opposite direction, pretending as though I didn't notice them checking me out. I've been single for a few years now, and my friends are always interested in setting me up with someone, but I always scoff and tell them not to bother because I want to die alone. Sometimes, I really do feel this way, but other times, I want to feel once again what I felt with my ex-boyfriend.

Honestly, I don't even know where I wanted this thread to go.... but my main question is, how can I fix my horrible self-confidence? I am too scared to ever make a move, and I fear this will affect me in the long-run.

Thank you!
You just have to take the risk, plain and simple.

When your loneliness becomes so unbearable that you think you have nothing to lose and it's worth the risk, that's probably when you'll find the courage to make a move.

Believe me, as a LateBloomer, I understand what you're feeling.

I lacked confidence for most of my life and still have my doubts (don't we all?).

Your situation is nothing unique. Everybody knows how it feels, some are just better at dealing with the risk (which is mostly all imagined).

Just take some small risks right off the bat. One date is NOT marriage.

Good luck.
Second that notion.

Take risks,
nobody cares about your problems,
only you can make yourself happy,
and only you can make yourself confident.
"Take a chance on me" ♪
Throw yourself out there for others to know.

"Hi, i'm undercoverforev, I am shy....wait, I was shy."
See what i'm saying?
Don't make me type more than I have to.
You know what to do now.
So do it!
Unfortunately, trust is a hard thing to overcome, especially when its broken. I was cheated on more times than I can count. It became harder and harder for me to trust anyone that I dated and it ended up costing me relationships because I went from trusting to overly jealous. One example was I met a guy, we really hit it off. We had talked for 3 weeks before meeting - on the phone every night for hours. When we finally met, we ended up sleeping together. He had told me prior to our meeting that he had kids and was going through a very nasty break-up. The day after he didn't call me when he said he would. When two days went by with no call I started freaking out and sent him all of these emails flipping out that he was a dog. He contacted me that night telling me that he went home from my house and his son got very sick and had to rush him to the hospital. He sent me a picture of the hospital ID band on his son's arm to prove it. He followed with telling me never to contact him again.

I decided then and there that the trust issue had to end. It sounds kind of bad, but rather than going into a relationship or dating someone with trusting them right off the bat, I decided that I would go into the relationship with a guy with the thought in the back of my mind that he was probably seeing other guys, that if we had sex I at least got something out of it and if it turned into a relationship, great, if not, oh well. I started a "3 day rule." That after a day, I would send them an email, just seeing what they were up to. Day two I would send another email saying something like "Was bored, thought I'd drop a line and say hi." On day three if I still did not hear back I would move on.

And honestly it made me feel a lot happier. I didn't stress about things anymore, I didn't get upset as easily, and out of it I had several decent relationships, including my current one of 10 years.

Bottom line is that you have to find your own way to get around the trust thing. The one main thing I do suggest is that if you do find someone that you are at least taking precaution and using condoms if sex is involved.
You have to learn to forgive your ex for what he has done to you.. Of course cheating hurts and it has consiquences however the pain he has caused you is playing a part on you because its made you feel worse in the long run... Givbe some time to the thoughts and aspects of what he has done and learn to slowly forgive him and focus on you... Dont be shy if your interested in someone.. Being single can be just as fun as being in a relationship at times except with relationships u got the added stress... It is wrong for your friends to try to set you up despite b est intentions met only you can be ready for a relationship....

Give it time and start focusing on you mister right will come along again as u win some u lose some its what playing the game of life is all about

kindest regards

zeon x
undercoverforev, I'd be a total hypocrite to give you any advice with your situation. Because I'm in the exact situation.

Though my past relationship is a bit complex, than that of yours. But you know the above posters do have some valid points. But from an understanding point, I totally get you, and I totally can connect with how you're feeling.

It's so difficult to forgive what had happen, we want to protect ourselves from the past, from what happen. But one thing I will say and I can say, though I lack self-confidence for various reasons, take the past and make it your strength.

One of the things I've done Is I committed a lot of time into myself, I work out, eat healthy, and I'm constantly eager to learn more to expand my intellect. In a way I'm running away, and I still am running away, though I don't advice you to run from the past, I want to let you know that many people including myself have been through what you have, or are going through what you are.

So, hey until you can actually forgive the past and look into the future with caution of course, you probably will have a difficult time to get into the mood again. :/

Good luck bud,
I also understand what it is like to be cheated on and it is NOT a nice feeling. It makes you feel that you can not trust someone or the thought runs through your head. I am always trying to second guess what someone wants from me. That is NOT a good thing to be doing. There for I am NOT open and aways on the defensive. I think it shows and causes me a lot of problems whe looking for a date and such. I guess I just don't want to be hurt any more...I hate the feeling of a letdown. I am also suffering from your problem and give up and do some of the same things you are doing. Although I just am a plain and simple dresser and groom but not fuss with my appearance. When someone seems to try to get close to me I seem to push them away even if I like them very much. I hope someone gives you some answers...but let me tell you, you are definately not alone. Any ways hope this thread helps you. I am sure there is a thread of hope for both of us! We need to get over this!

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