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Idk what to do and I'm desperate for advice..
#1
So I have been seeing this ITALIAN guy for almost 3 weeks now. I only see him on weekends and we spend the whole weekend together. Anyway, first weekend he witnessed me exchanging my phone number with a guy working at a clothing shop and after we walked out of the store he turned into this whole other person. He was super quiet and cold. I kept asking him what's wrong, only he wouldn't say and he'd tell me nothing so I waited for him to tell me at his own pace. When he did he asked why I exchanged my phone number with that guy, I told him it was because I wanted him to send me some of the remixes I heard at the store and I really liked so I have him my phone number to send them through an app using my number. And then I told him that it was nothing and then out of no where he tells me that he wants to go home and that he isn't feeling it (note that we were heading to a festival together and he was gonna bail on me) so I sat him down somewhere and discussed it. So it turned out he had trust issues and he didn't know me so well. So we resolved it and moved on. The weekend after which was last weekend. We spent it all together and it went amazing. We went to a concert, a sound clash concert. Had breakfast together, went sightseeing in the city together, and did many other fun stuff. Then at the end of the last day which was Saturday, we were going to hang someplace and then when we got there he just said "I wanna go home" which is was the weirdest thing I hear. I asked him why, and he said that he doesn't know me so well and he spends too much time with me (although he didn't seem annoyed or troubled with me. He was having fun) I was really fucking hurt and then I just let him go home and so did I.. The next morning he texts me this long message apologizing and doesn't wanna be rude but he wants some personal space during those weekends which is very logical and I was understanding and I told him I wanna continue dating him and see what happens. Now we are planning to go on a long trip to a sea and spend a couple of days there then I will host him at my home and take him places in the town where I live. I'm scared though.. I keep having this nagging thing in my head that if I had him here he'd say the excuse that he is spending too much time and needs to be away or that he needs to go home when I'll be putting in a lot of my time, effort and money and I'm afraid that It'd all go for nothing. I'm just afraid he'll do what he did the past couple weekends..

I'm so confused and I have been stressing about this lately. I keep holding back and not feel completely comfortable talking to him in the fear that I'll be hurt again He is also starting to notice that I'm not okay through texting me and It's easy to show when I'm really not ok..
#2
verysimple Wrote:I kept asking him what's wrong, only he wouldn't say and he'd tell me nothing so I waited for him to tell me at his own pace. When he did he asked why I exchanged my phone number with that guy, I told him it was because I wanted him to send me some of the remixes I heard at the store and I really liked so I have him my phone number to send them through an app using my number. And then I told him that it was nothing and then out of no where he tells me that he wants to go home and that he isn't feeling it (note that we were heading to a festival together and he was gonna bail on me) so I sat him down somewhere and discussed it. So it turned out he had trust issues and he didn't know me so well. So we resolved it and moved on.


Man every time I read one of your posts I'm impressed with how mature and rational you are.

It seems to me that you've run into someone who's at a more common level of emotional development for a 21 year old. (an over-emotional hot mess). I'd be willing to bet that even he doesn't really know he wants. He's just blown about by his emotions like a ship adrift at sea being dragged about by the currents.

The most important thing is for you to know that this is no reflection on you at all. Whatever thoughts run through his head to cause him to freeze up on you, they're simply his issues that he needs to work through.

Whether or not you want to stick with him while he matures and works things out is upto you. But yes he probably will unintentionally hurt you again. It's a question of how much you want to be with him I guess.
#3
TigerLover Wrote:Man every time I read one of your posts I'm impressed with how mature and rational you are.

It seems to me that you've run into someone who's at a more common level of emotional development for a 21 year old. (an over-emotional hot mess). I'd be willing to bet that even he doesn't really know he wants. He's just blown about by his emotions like a ship adrift at sea being dragged about by the currents.

The most important thing is for you to know that this is no reflection on you at all. Whatever thoughts run through his head to cause him to freeze up on you, they're simply his issues that he needs to work through.

Whether or not you want to stick with him while he matures and works things out is upto you. But yes he probably will unintentionally hurt you again. It's a question of how much you want to be with him I guess.


Thank you for your post. I could never describe him the way you did so that definitely helped me know what's up. Yeah, I know it has nothing to do with me. ON the contrary, I'm a very understanding, caring and loving guy so i told him that we could work through these issues together. Though I've been hurt too many times through these two weeks and two weeks aren't a time to be hurt..

He cries alot btw. We just talked about it on the phone and he would cry over the phone for causing me emotional pain. I'm like "You don't need to cry" cuz i wasn't even feeling sad since we were trying to discuss the issue and come to an understanding ground.
#4
UPDATE:
So I just talked to him about it over the phone and we figured it out. I was holding back and I wasn't comfortable because I was afraid to be clingy to him. So he told me that he is happy with me talking to him whenever. That it was him and dealing with his fear and it has nothing to do with me. He keeps bringing his past fucked up relationships over to us and it keeps ruining and complicating things. If things continue this way, I don't think we could make it. I'll try to work things out and I'll do my past but he's gotta do his part too
#5
[Image: 14249363_1083612661692971_1554581096_n.j...25ccb283f0]




[Image: 14089393_1071517549569149_188112873_n.jp...e=57CF6D69]




I really do like him though ....
#6
I think tigerlover summed it up pretty well actually. Trying to think of something else to say but cant Tongue.

In anycase, just be open and tell him how you feel. If you think he is being cold, tell him Smile. *but dont be accuseing* IE just be like "hope everything was ok, felt like I was given the cold shoulder yesterday, anything you wanna talk about?" etc...
"When you think all is forsaken,
Listen to me now
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light
" ~Disturbed
#7
Hi verysimple!..you guys look like you are having fun and are a sexy couple....and I am glad you are going out and meeting guys!

Now the bad part..since you asked....two red flags in one.....

"I have a hard time trusting..and it is because of past relationships..."

It is a deadly combo...because it is likely true...but not likely THE TRUTH. What would be more true is that he has probably behaved like this in the past and justified it instead of "working through it". In order to work through something..you have to own your shit..and that means owning THE TRUTH..not the partial truth or a watered down version of it.

He can get past it...but he has to be more honest with himself and most people don't like to be told that unless they ask..and even then..it can be a minefield that will explode in your face if you even suggest that they might have played a bigger and messier part in their own past...

Of course...there is hope. He can actually get past if if he decides to be completely honest...it CAN happen for anyone..anytime...but unfortunately alot of people choose the low road...

In other words...If you hear him say "I have been a fucking mess and I have a weak ego and have a problem taking responsibility for my emotions and actions so I blame other people for my shortcomings even if it is a worn out cliche."...then YES...Keep Him!

If he does the same thing tough... again and again.... and you get used to it.....not good....better end it. Wish him well though....and try again...
#8
East Wrote:Hi verysimple!..you guys look like you are having fun and are a sexy couple....and I am glad you are going out and meeting guys!

Now the bad part..since you asked....two red flags in one.....

"I have a hard time trusting..and it is because of past relationships..."

It is a deadly combo...because it is likely true...but not likely THE TRUTH. What would be more true is that he has probably behaved like this in the past and justified it instead of "working through it". In order to work through something..you have to own your shit..and that means owning THE TRUTH..not the partial truth or a watered down version of it.

He can get past it...but he has to be more honest with himself and most people don't like to be told that unless they ask..and even then..it can be a minefield that will explode in your face if you even suggest that they might have played a bigger and messier part in their own past...

Of course...there is hope. He can actually get past if if he decides to be completely honest...it CAN happen for anyone..anytime...but unfortunately alot of people choose the low road...

In other words...If you hear him say "I have been a fucking mess and I have a weak ego and have a problem taking responsibility for my emotions and actions so I blame other people for my shortcomings even if it is a worn out cliche."...then YES...Keep Him!

If he does the same thing tough... again and again.... and you get used to it.....not good....better end it. Wish him well though....and try again...

but what if I told him that line you just said?.. That he's a fucking mess.. etc then what??
#9
verysimple Wrote:but what if I told him that line you just said?.. That he's a fucking mess.. etc then what??

He has to say it....you can tell him and he might or might not agree...but it only counts when he says it on his own.

If you want to ask him something constructive...ask him in a casual and non threatening way what role he played in the "past relationships" he is talking about.

Pay close attention to his answer....
#10
East Wrote:He has to say it....you can tell him and he might or might not agree...but it only counts when he says it on his own.

If you want to ask him something constructive...ask him in a casual and non threatening way what role he played in the "past relationships" he is talking about.

Pay close attention to his answer....

hmmm, interesting.. I'll be sure to have that question in mind. Thank you.


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