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Letter To My Asshat Of A Brother
#1
Matt,
I wish we could have this conversation in person but all my previous attempts and words have fallen on deaf ears. When I first came out of the closet I thought I made it crystal clear being gay is/was a sore subject for me. I believe my exact words were:

“ I hate myself because Im gay and I want to kill myself”.

I don’t know how much more crystal clear I could of made the point. Both Steve and you claimed to be supportive of me at the time. It hasn’t even been one month. Both of you are bashing me and making a mockery of me like there is no tomorrow. What yall don’t realize is if yall don’t stop bashing me so hard there may not be a tomorrow for me. Im still pretty insecure about being gay and still adjusting to the change of lifestyle. I know how to laugh at myself just as much as the next person but yall have crossed the line by laughing AT me and not WITH me. What was supposed to be a fun time sitting out on the porch with yall turned into a half hour of gay bashing on Wednesday night. Also I don’t appreciate being talked down to like Im a retarded kid that does not know what’s best for ME. Both Steve and you are clueless about being gay.
I don’t (or least I didn’t) mind talking about being gay or answering any questions yall may have. However almost every time the subject has been brought up its been made into a huge joke and yall have mocked me like I have no idea what is right for me. I can already hear you saying yall are just joking around and Im just being oversensitive about it. I say bullshit!

] Since you are clueless about being gay I will try to make a comparison so you can understand where Im coming from. I know Brandi’s recent miscarriage is a sore subject for you and I respect that. You wouldn’t be laughing if Steve and I started making dead baby jokes every time the subject was brought up and laughed at you if you got offended. Even if Steve and I said these things jokingly you would still more than likely want to punch us in the face and tell us to go fuck ourselves because we were being insensitive to your feelings. You wouldn’t appreciate us saying you are just being oversensitive about it and laugh at you some more because we have never been in your shoes before.

You may not realize it but coming out of the closet and being comfortable with being gay is a long and scary process that doesn’t happen overnight. I have told you numerous times Im still “adjusting”. Its seemed to of fallen on deaf ears since yall seem to think I should be already going out to the gay bars searching for a boyfriend and announcing to the whole world I am gay. I don’t appreciate yall mocking me for not being out at work. I tried to explain I want to be known as Ben the guy that is a hard worker and shows up every day for work, not Ben the gay guy that thinks he should get special treatment. Quite frankly its none of my coworkers business if I am gay or not. I tried to explain this to yall when sitting on the porch but yall laughed in my face and said I was being silly for not coming out. Coming out and being comfortable with being gay takes TIME much like grieving a miscarriage takes TIME. So when you say I should already out playing the field/exploring the hole would be much like me saying to you that you should already be trying to conceive another child by now even though you may not be ready.

On to my next point. Im Ben and NOT the obvious flamboyant gay guy down at the Dollar General that dresses like he should be on the cover of GQ magazine. We are two completely different people. He chooses to be openly gay and dress like he does because that’s what he wants to do because that’s what makes him comfortable. I prefer to be a lot more private about my personal affairs and see nothing wrong with wearing a t-shirt and a pair of jeans. I tried explaining this to you while on the porch but yall just laughed at me some more and said “Do you think the guy down at the dollar general cares if people think he is gay” and “You will be trolling the truck stops for dates if you don’t change how you dress”. I agree my wardrobe needs updating. However I don’t appreciate yall implying I need to dress a certain way or act openly gay just because I happen to be gay. You wouldn’t like it if I said don’t be sad and tried comparing you to a potential parent that chose to not have a baby.

I don’t apreciate being talked down to like I am a small kid that doesn’t know what is best for ME. Almost every time the subject of being gay has come up I have told yall my plans and how I was feeling at the time. Yall have responded by laughing at me and mocking like I don’t know whats best for ME. Being gay might be just a big joke to yall and you may think you know whats best for me but you are dead wrong. I’m a grown man that can make his own decisions and quite frankly you are clueless when it comes to being gay. I don’t need the peanut gallery mocking and questioning everything I do or say. You wouldn’t like it if I told you that you shouldn’t have another kid and laughed at you because finances may or may not be to tight trying to raise another kid.

I would have to agree with yall when you said “ I chose the wrong people to confide in about being gay”. I was expecting Steve and Kristy to be inconsiderate asshats about it but I wasnt expecting you my brother to fall in line with them. If you confided in me about something I would be completely supportive and not mock you. Why would I be supportive and not mock you? Because I have empathy for other peoples feelings. I actually take the time to think things through before I do or say anything. I try to be considerate of the other persons feelings. There’s a reason Im not mocking yall and making jokes at yalls expense. Its not in my nature. What happened to “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you“. When I confided in yall about being gay I was looking for support and not to be made a mockery of. Im done talking about it to yall. Ill just keep to myself and stay glued to the computer where its safe while yall sit out on the porch telling gay jokes and bashing gays. I would be ashamed to introduce another gay person to yall because they would be horrified by the ignorance and lack of respect you show towards the gay community. I know how to laugh at myself just as much as the next person but there’s a line in the sand and yall have chosen to blow right past it. There is a time for joking around and a time to be serious. I am tired of not being taken seriously. I feel like I cant even have a serious conversation with yall about being gay without being mocked every other word. I am very hurt and angry right now.

Usually I would not say a word and stay quiet by taking it on the chin. I only spoke up because you are my brother and love you. I really don’t want all this to come between us. I had to call mom earlier this week and have an similar conversation with her because she was making hurtful remarks as well. This is one reason it took me ten years to come back out of the closet after I ran back into it when I was eighteen. Andy hasn’t said much since I came out to him and I can count the number of gay jokes he has told on one hand. You on the other hand seem content on harassing me constantly and ive lost count how many gay jokes you have told since I told you. Earlier this week I burst into tears thinking about Hayley at work. I was thinking about how much I love her and the fact that she is blissfully unaware of the labels being cast on me by the adults in the family and the people around me. She loves me for being me and only knows me as her Uncle Ben. I wish I could say the same for the rest of the family and the world. Now you know where I stand.
Love Ben
#2
I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. We are with you and thinking of you. I hope it gets better for you sooner rather than later.

xx
#3
I'm so sorry to hear about that.:frown:
No one should have their trust betrayed like that.
Bighug
I hope thngs start getting brighter for you soonConfusedmile:
Silly Sarcastic So-and-so
#4
Bighug Ben... I know it can really be very very tricky being out there and on the front line with one's feelings. Your brother doesn't seem to deserve you. I hope he finds this and reads this... Are you going to point him (indirectly) to this thread???
Please, please, go and see someone, a shrink if necessary, so you can talk about all this to an uncritical ear. Your brother has indeed, no idea of how scary it all is and how close to the surface all of these feelings are.

I would like to say that maybe that's HIS way of coping with some news (the hot potato) that he finds difficult to deal with. Perhaps he is distressed, in some way, and prefers to joke about it to seem cool, when all around he's deeply scared about having a gay brother. Because what does it say about him? You know, it's that thing about feeling you had something to do with it (even if you didn't)... how parents feel that they've done wrong, or failed their kid, etc.
Or maybe he's just callous and unrefined, and you'll have to make do with it. I hope you two find common grounds, if not, just cut him out of your life and stick to those more sympathetic. It's a hard choice to make, but it might be necessary, for your own mental and emotional health.
#5
I'm sorry Marv that you are going through these 'issues' with your family.

I know its hard and I know it hurts, however it will go one of two ways, they will either tone it down and become accepting, or they won't.

You cannot change them. They will be whatever it is they are.

I am concerned about your threat of killing yourself. Such feelings really need to be addressed an nipped in the bud.

If this desire to end it all becomes stronger, please do call one of these numbers before you act on that:

Suicide Hotlines:
1-800-SUICIDE
or
1-800-273-TALK

It will get better, maybe not in the next 24 hours, but it will get better in time.
#6
thanks for this information Bowyn.... now we need to publish the number for the British community maybe....? Does anyone know it?
#7
Thank you for all your responses. Matt is a awesome brother but he is still adjusting as well and is clueless. My friend Steve on the other hand is inconsiderate asshat and loves mocking people. He has never had a gay friend before so he is clueless as well. My brother Matt will eventualy come around but I just needed to bring this to his attention. Things are getting better as time passes for me. When I first realized I liked guys I went manic. I failed to take the time to come into the closet and get comfortable with myself. I came out to my family and a few friends.

I had to tell somebody because I was unstable at the time and the secret was eating me alive. I had been thinking about suicide on and off for 4 months because I was depressed because I was isolated because of my social phobia. I had even research the aftermath of suicide and what it does to the people left behind. It leaves utter devastation in its wake and leaves to many questions unanswered for those left behind. I also thought about funeral cost as well. I had two scenarios set up in my mind. The only reason I came out was because I couldnt get any more distant from the people around me. As time passes things are getting better. I still break down in tears some days but I have a wonderful support system in place. Ive made it through the worst of it.
#8
princealbertofb Wrote:thanks for this information Bowyn.... now we need to publish the number for the British community maybe....? Does anyone know it?
There are a few. The Samaritans is the obvious one. It's luck of the draw as to what kind of person picks up the phone when you call though :frown:
Talk To Someone

Here are some of the others, in no particular order:

London Friend

:: London Lesbian & Gay Switchboard - Services ::

PAPYRUS - Prevention of Young Suicide - a national charity in the UK

Depression Alliance UK | Information About Depression Symptoms & Self Help Groups | Get Support For Depression And Raise Awareness

Getting Support & Help - Students Against Depression

Mental health issues if you're gay - Live Well - NHS Choices

Sexual Minority Therapy / Gay therapy / gay counselling UK
#9
Ben,

That is a very powerful statement. I hope writing it all down has helped you work out what you are thinking at this time. Best wishes dealing with your brother. Could it be that his crass response is a way he is avoiding dealing with his own pain?
#10
marshlander Wrote:There are a few. The Samaritans is the obvious one. It's luck of the draw as to what kind of person picks up the phone when you call though :frown:
Talk To Someone

Here are some of the others, in no particular order:

London Friend

:: London Lesbian & Gay Switchboard - Services ::

PAPYRUS - Prevention of Young Suicide - a national charity in the UK

Depression Alliance UK | Information About Depression Symptoms & Self Help Groups | Get Support For Depression And Raise Awareness

Getting Support & Help - Students Against Depression

Mental health issues if you're gay - Live Well - NHS Choices

Sexual Minority Therapy / Gay therapy / gay counselling UK

Thanks Marshy, for doing that research. I'm sure it'll come in handy for some young (or older) person in need of an ear.


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