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May I rant on your shoulder please?
Well in case you didn't know. I recently discovered that my partner has been 'sleeping' around.

It started off last week with my clicking on the gmail button and his still being logged in and a long, long list of emails from Manfinder.Com (replies and new friends requests and the like). With a short lull of my mulling over if I should let it go or push the question.

Friday I asked a few questions, then spent three hours slowly pulling the truth form him. A flurry of denial, followed by slowly admitting 'facts'. Each time I asked a question he would get that 'I'm innocent look'.

Honestly, I see that look a lot... He's real good with throwing that mask on. Makes me wonder about a few other things he has worn that mask on...

Long story short, it appears that he has been a member of manfinder since the day we met. And that he has used that account on a regular basis to make 'new friends' and to have fun after work, or when he has gone to San Francisco to put in job applications or to go to job interviews. Those two years he was 'looking for work' - Oh no he was getting a regular plowing by some bloke he met on Manfinder. Not finding a job for him was not so much the economy, but he was just a wee bit too busy playing with men's wee-wees. :o

Or maybe 'The economy' is the new innuendo for sex? (Shrug - I don't know).

That means for the past 14 years when I thought I was in a monogamous relationship, no its been an open one (for him at least). I was lead to believe one thing. The reality appears to be much different.

Isn't that suppose to make me angry? :mad:

I should be shouldn't I?

Shouldn't I be screaming, yelling, raising my voice slightly? Shouldn't there be indignation, outrage, fury, frustration, how about a little annoyance?

Honestly I'm not that angry. And the things I'm angry about are more over other things such as the thousands of dollars throw into couple's counseling to maintain a relationship when the reality was he wasn't that interested in the relationship (with me, the relationship with every other man maybe he had interest in).

How about overwhelming grief? Depression, sadness, how about a tear - Hmm No can't find that either.

I'm uncertain if I am just in 'shock' or if I really am just indifferent to it all now.

During his near broken record 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry' mixed with 'But I do really love you!' I lacked any empathy for him, no pity, I pretty much felt nothing.

I did snort when he said 'I promise I will never do it again'.

But that is more or less because I have heard so many people say those words to me "I promise, will never do it again." After the first 10 thousand repetitions it has gotten a bit tedious to hear from anyone.

Yeah I have been a bit snarky and sarcastic over the past few days. But its not anger - least ways not an anger I have experienced before.


2 : made dull, apathetic, or cynical by experience or by surfeit

Synonyms: all in, aweary [archaic], beat, beaten, bleary, burned-out (or burnt-out), bushed, dead, done, done in, drained, exhausted, fatigued, weary, knackered [British], limp, logy (also loggy), played out, pooped [slang], prostrate, spent, tapped out, tired, tuckered (out), washed-out, wearied, wiped out, worn, worn-out

Yep that's what I'm feeling. Knackered Wink

I am somewhat puzzled by why he is still here. After all when he asked me point blank 'do you still love me?' I replied 'Nope, not in the least.'

Maybe because I didn't scream 'I hate your fucking guts!!!!!!'... Maybe if I said that he would get the idea that I don't love him and leave?

I told him Friday that the couch is his new bed. But, Right now he is in the bed because supposedly his boss wants him to come in at 6 AM, which means I get to play alarm clock one more time to wake him up at 4:30.

He has never had to go into this job at 6AM... My immediate thought is "So what is he playing at?"

Does he honestly think I will not be able to keep me eyes open until 4:30 thus I will magically climb in bed and forget my feelings and cuddle him?

Trust me, If I get sleepy I will lay down on the dog bed with my old faithful companion and cuddle with her.

Saturday and Sunday he has said 'I love you David' with that sad "I'm so hurt" look over and over again. Its getting annoying. I just nod, "Ok".

Seriously does he think that that is going to suddenly brush aside all of this? (Rhetorical question there).

I have 'suggested' he pack up and move back with his mom to 'take care of her'. His reply is 'we can work this out'.


I'm perplexed at the mindset here. If for the past 14 years he couldn't keep his pants on, then why should I even consider that he can keep his pants on for the next oh 14 days or weeks?

Is it reasonable now to to really believe 'we can work this out'???

Jaded and perplexed.

I don't know ______________ (fill in the blank - I'm clueless)
Goodness me, what is going through his mind o.o

I don't think he grasps the seriousness of what he's done, and probably won't if you remain the only one addressing him about this issue.

What he needs (in my very limited and probably not very good perspective) is a good scolding from someone other than you.

Maybe then he'll get the message, apologise, and leave.
Maybe. That would work.

But then again I don't think is is capable of 'getting it'.

Odd thing, he got up this morning and started gathering laundry. I ask what he is doing, he tells me he is going to do laundry when he gets home from work.


In the past 14 years he only did laundry once. Once.

New leaf? Or is he trying to appease me?
i would be angry. your trust has been violated. apparently you and
he have different expectations. one or both will have to give, but i
don't think u ought to compromise on this. either ur willing to be
with this player or not. i wouldn't give him the time of day.
to quote the baby from "meet the fockers"....a.h.
I think a meteor just crashed into your ocean. You may witness a mega tsunami in the next few days, weeks, or even years. Good things about tsunamis though is, after all the chaos while the ocean is swallowing all living life. afterword; there is nothing left and the land is clean and spotless of pollution. He doesn't deserve your care. make sure when the tsunami hits, he goes down with the ocean.
the onus is on him bowyn
Well, i know how you feel! My prior 10-year LTR ended after i finally discovered that my "husband" was dating a mutual "friend" of ours for years and the last 3 years was nothing but a ruse while they planned their "new life" together.

Now, i know that's not an exact match with what you're going thru, but i know how you're feeling....and if what you say is true - that for 14 years when you thought he was on legitimate business trips he was actually tricking on you - then really there's not much hope for your LTR.

14 days of cheating is one thing but 14 years really sounds more like something more serious.

It sounds to me like your man probably does LOVE you - i think he really does....but its clear he dosn't see a 14 year "trick-a-thon" as being a big deal and that's an issue.

To answer your question about the laundry, yea, he's just trying to appease you and generate a list of things he's doing to show he's "working at it."

I would ask him this, "Do you really think words and some laundry or other tasks can make up for the fact that for 14 years you've lied and decieved me in order to see and fuck other men? Put yourself in my shoes for just 1 minute and YOU try and get your hands around the concept that the person you've built a life with, a person you're building a future with - the person you hoped to spend the rest of your life with, has been telling me bold-faced lies to my face and meeting men on the internet for sex. What would you do? What would you say?"

Then just be quiet.

If it were me (and i know this sucks), i would be planning my OWN exit strategy - finacially first. If you don't already have it, i would get a new checking account and start moving your funds over into it and then look at your housing issues: do you own or rent? If he'd been unemployed for a while, i'm betting you're paying most of the bills.......and while this may not feel good, you might have to think about getting a new place on your own. You need to take care of YOU right now because if he has been cheating on your for 14 years he's NOT EVER GOING TO STOP!

He should ahve told you from day-1 that he wanted an open relationship. At least then you would have known and been able to make an educated decision. But like i said, afte 14 years, he's NOT going to be able to jsut shut-off that "need" to have sex with strangers. If it's not the internet he'll start hitting adult bookstores and/or bathhouses....and at the end of the day, i don't know if you will ever be able to trust him whenever he leaves the house.

OH, and this "early morning routine" thing - he may be planning his OWN exit strategy and just "playing along" pretending he wants to work it out - all the while he's putting his own plan together.

Thats why i think you just need to do the same for yourself. Talking won't change things..and i know it hurts to have to spend this kind of energy, but, and here's teh big question:

WOULD YOU BE AGREEABLE TO AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP? I mean, clearly that's what he likes/wants, and while you'd have to have alot of discussion about 14 years of deception - is this a relationship you could stay in with it being OPEN - that means you both can have occasional tricks?

Keep us updated PLEASE!
I would ditch him if I were you. I'm sure you can find someone who can be faithful and more honest. If he's giving all that innocent looks and actually trying to make you feel bad about the whole thing, then I don't think you need to show any mercy at all. You don't want to give him another excuse to punish yourself.

And he may not be ready for a monogamous relationship afterall. But are you sure, open relationship is what you want?
For me the question of working through something like this or not is a simple one. Will you ever be able to fully trust him again regardless of your relationship status? There's your answer. I don't know how you will answer that question, but were it me, that would be the one that answered all the rest for me.

It's your call, I know what I would do and, that's give him a time limit for getting out of my house. Depending on a lot of factors, I'd decide if it was fair to give him some sort of voluntary separation settlement in the form of money or a vehicle or, simply to give him time to get his crap together and get out. That's me though and you know what's best for you at this point.

Whatever you do, it's time to take care of you and not worry too much about him or anyone else right now. Do what you need to do for yourself.
I don't know if you like there music or not but I always listen to OKGO when I get sad/depressed, it helps me out a lot. Bighug especially this song.

here's another version with a neat video

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