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May I rant on your shoulder please?
#21
princealbertofb Wrote:David, I just want to send you a Bighug because maybe you don't need too much honesty as much as you need a bit of loving and consideration... You are too good for your own boots, but a leopard can't change its spots.... and you know that. There's only so much trampling a person can take before they are trodden into the earth. Maybe you are going through a bout of depression, with this indifference?

Yeah it could be depression.

As I have said, right now I am intellectually troubled by my. for want of a better word. 'lack' of emotions on the subject.
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#22
Pix Wrote:I'm sorry to hear this, you really deserve better. Orientations aside, I'd definitely see you as a keeper to be prized above all others without a need for a quick lay on the side.

And IIRC, this is the same guy who can't keep from opening infected files, even though he should know by now. If he can't even change that self-destructive behavior then he can't change his sexual behavior which is even more core to our being.

And for what it's worth (which may not be much) I had a lover that I thought was for life. We were together for 5 years (and had known each other for 7) and survived a lot of drama, including when I busted her for cheating which I forgave her for, and was sure we'd grow old together. And when signs of cheating started I wouldn't even see it (for example, when she suddenly got secretive about her calls I thought she must be helping someone secretly and was impressed, or possibly planning out a surprise for me, ah, irony). When I realized the truth and confronted her as you did your [*ahem*] boo I felt something die in me and it ended with her leaving. At first I was just numb and even didn't care that I know she claimed some CDs as she left as her own just trying to start a fight (I just wanted her gone and was grateful we didn't have a pet to fight over). In retrospect I think I was in shock, mostly operating on automatic, and I think I did a lot more sleeping than usual (as I just couldn't read or take joy in anything else).

And then, a few days after she left, it suddenly hit me and I was devastated, feeling both rage and grief. And then I slowly recovered throwing myself into the business of living while I healed. And over 3 years later I've even forgiven her and view her with compassion (and genuinely wish her well), though I will never forget or be with her again, and even just last night I had a dream about her (and wish those dreams would stop).

The thing with seeing the signs then explaining them away. Yeah, thinking about it I'm suddenly seeing a lot of 'signs' and symptoms that I glossed over, explained away. Perfect 20/20 hindsight.

Um yes this is the same guy who can't help but open infected files, stuffs his socks between and under couch cushions as soon as he removed them from his feet. Fails to hit the toilet when pissing (I swear he must just let go while doing rave dancing in there) and lots of other 'interesting' things that I think 12 year old stop doing around oh age 12? :biggrin:

I think one of the reasons why it has worked out rather well (to a recent point in time) is because I am a 'caretaker' and he needs lots, and lots and lots of care.

Numbness, shock. I think that may be where I am right now. Someone said a Tsunami is coming. All hand brace for impact?
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#23
I feel for you. I know it's hard and there a lot of difficult, painful decisions that have to be made. Just got out of a 9 year relationship a couple of months ago myself, different reasons for separating but, the logistics are the same no matter the reasons.

As for blame, yes it's very easy to blame yourself and very hard to be objective and set the blame where it really belongs, and that's on both of you. It is never all one person's fault. And, though I know you will, probably already are, see a million thing you SHOULD have noticed, things you could have said or done differently and, maybe fixed this before it got this far, none of that is going to do any good now. So before you let your mind go there, just assume the blame is 50/50 - you can sort the truth out later, when you can be more objective and assuming 50/50 makes it easier to be less biased in the other decisions you need to make.

The bottom line is, I think it's time for you to focus on doing what you KNOW is best for yourself. Don't make emotional decisions, make logical, intelligent decision based on what you KNOW, not what you feel. And you know what will be best for you in the long run, regardless of what doing those things means to those around you.

Yes, that's a very hard road to take, but take it and keep going on it, and sooner or later the things you want start meshing with what you KNOW is best for you. No it's never perfect, but I think we can all get pretty darned close.

As for why my partner and I split, if you're curious. The short version is that he didn't think he could remain monogamous once I was diagnosed with diabetes and put on insulin, thus unable to drive a semi. He didn't think one weekend a month together would be enough for him. I didn't want an open relationship with him (he is pretty anti condom and, I would not trust him to be safe and stay STD free.) And, I couldn't handle it if he were to bring a "strange" home when we were supposed to be in a relationship at all. So, all things considered, he got the semi I owned, the car we had bought together and some cash from me and, sent on his way.

His mother refuses to speak to me, his dad (divorced form his mother) is still one of my closest straight male friends, and the rest of his family still considers me their brother in law. He and I are still friends but, we will never hook up again - I don't want what he might pick up out there. Right now he's being a bit of a jerk about money, thinking he got the short end of the stick but, he'll get over that when he finds a new co-driver and his miles go back up.
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#24
Bowyn, first let me say I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Something you thought was "real and true" has been proven to be a lie and I know that hurts. Second I think right now you're just in shock, which is why you feel so jaded and cynical. It's normal but you know that. But finally, and I can't stress this enough, please please please get yourself tested! I don't care how much he tells you he used protection, you owe it to yourself to make sure. And if he would lie about other things, he'll lie about a little rubber! The only one who can really take care of you is you! Stay strong and stand your ground! You deserve so much better than him! Much love my friend! Bighug
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#25
I liked ManicLewis' description too. I'm sorry to read your news Bow and I'll be thinking about your situation and hoping you get some relief and closure in due time. If it were me I'd have to have him OUT TONIGHT. If he gets back in later so be it, but as of right now...get OUT. "Go live with your consequences because you creep me OUT right now you self serving dip shidiot!" Doing the laundry makes me sick to my stomach, what a jerk. Well I'm totally pissed with this thread and this man.

Listen, my bf had a very active online life when we first met. He agreed to clean it up and maintain a decent respect for our relationship. He did just that (thankfully), yet I STILL installed monitoring software and four years later there has not been any indication of impropriety. He does not know about the monitoring and that discussion will likely fire up another thread but not here. He knows without question I will have NO tolerance for dishonesty or disrespect. He'll never get it from me and I'll never tolerate it from him.

OK sorry to get off on my own tangent. I'm going to be thinking of you and hope you get whatever your deserve as my mother always quipped about jading and perplexing relations. Honestly, I say this in consideration and concern and mean no disrespect or offense. I can definitely empathize as I'd be so discouraged...and so glad to be rid of his arsss! Knuddel
Heart  Life's too short to miss an opportunity to show your love and affection!  Heart
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#26
BA...let me clarify the part about owning things for you because it is so important .....and I am so much better communicating in person than I am on paper and because of that I often fail to make my point or make myself clear....

Owning your part in it is not really about fault or about you being responsible for anything he has done....

I will use myself for an example. When I had my abusive relationship...I eventually "owned" that I turned my head and avoided confronting the truth when it was in front of me...I constantly made excuses for inexcusable behavior....I pretended I was stupid and/or naive so I didn't have to confront my own weaknesses. I lied to myself constantly and made it his fault when my lies were exposed to me. I made him responsible for my feelings. I punished him for things he didnt' do to avoid punishing him for things he did do just so I didn't have to see them. I made excuses for myself allowing him to treat me the way he did.

I could go on but hopefully you get the drift....

There are always dynamics involved that are unique to each situation and owning your part in anything is the greatest freedom you can give yourself....I promise.

If you see it as "blame" or even "fault"...redirect your thinking until you see it as personal responsibility. It will give you an amazing sense of freedom but initially it doesn't seem as though it will.
Bighug
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#27
Bowyn - Thats some of the most horrible news I've ever heard. Your advice to me has been priceless, and I cannot even begin to say how badly I feel for you. I'm not in any position to give you any advice but I can say is that whatever you do, I hope you'll come out on top.
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#28
I find East's ideas refreshing and healing.... Worth trying to give them credit and trying to work out the positive and shed the negative.
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#29
Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:Yeah it could be depression.

As I have said, right now I am intellectually troubled by my. for want of a better word. 'lack' of emotions on the subject.

Archubbycub suggested it was shock... well, there's some of that in there, but I think depression is also part of it... no interest in feeling anything any more, and various other losses of "appetite". Talk to your doctor, maybe?
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#30
Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:Hmm Bitter. I wasn't aware I sound or come off as bitter. Maybe I am.

Right now I'm feeling a great big nothingness... It is a bit troubling to my mind, but at the same time I don't even feel (emotionally) troubled - its just an intellectual 'Well this can't be good' tip of the hat to what I feel (or actually don't feel) right now.

Yeah yeah yeah, forgiveness - stop nagging me for Christ's sake :biggrin:

You pretty much know I understand things intellectually, like the power of forgiveness is not for the forgiven but for the forgiver. I know that - intellectually.

As for 'own your own part' in this... When I think about it I start coming up with 'good reasons' why he should go out and do what he does. I can too easily 'blame myself'... Other people get into the 'its your fault' game, I get deeply involved with 'Its my own damn fault' game.

I'm really good as excusing people. Excusing myself, not so much. I have been trying real hard to not make a list of 'who did what' at this time. I think that I may actually go into the mode of lumping all the blame on myself, which leads to me making stupid mistakes, like giving up too much, or cutting too much slack.

I think that's what I meant about not being able to change your spots as a leopard... but maybe owning the fact that you ARE too kind, and maybe understanding that you DON'T have to take everyone else's crap, noble as it may seem to everyone, even to you...
I didn't find you bitter... just in utter retraction from feeling anything. Anger and bitterness, like jealousy can be so destructive, and presumably you'd prefer not to go down that way... too many bad experiences in that area, for no solutions, no doubt...

One of your life's learning opportunities will be in regaining that self-esteem and surviving all this for a possible future. You are not someone that can be spurned or trampled so easily... even if that's where you'd like to be right now. This is testing your resilience, well good luck with bouncing back. How quickly you can do this will depend on you and whose path you cross next.
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