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May I rant on your shoulder please?
Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:I don't think there is 'sponging' going on. For the first 11 years we were pretty much partners in the economics department. Yes the past three years (roughly) has been touch and go.


There is good reason to believe that 'sponging' isn't going on.

Well there may be some, but that may be emotional 'sponging' not financial.
I was just wondering about the financial entanglement and whether things were fair... which you seem to think they were... I'd have understood if you had reached the end of your tether in that sphere but well, lean on him, if you can and if he's willing to help out. He owes that to you, at least... the lover/partner's gone, that much seems to be true, but the "friend" can still do his part. Let him do it? Especially as you have all those "family" entanglements to sort out as well...
Bowyn, I honestly can't imagine how difficult and painful it must be for you right now. I don't understand how he can treat you such way. I kept muttering 'dump him' under my breath whilst reading your story.

But you seem to be taking this situation very calmly. I admire and salute you for that. I wish there is a way I can make things easier for you. I wish I can be there to give you a big warm hug.

I don't have the right to give you any advice as I don't have experience in relationship. The least thing that I can do is to give you words of encouragement and support.

I hope you continue to stay strong throughout this bumpy road. I only wish you the best for your present and future ahead.

Always know that you have us in Gayspeak. We may live far apart from each other but always know that I always see you as a family member and a brother. Oh how much I would like to strangle that guy right now. Amen.
When the waves start to pull back that's how you know the tsunami is only minutes away. When the time comes seek shelter on higher ground. GS, is just one of your many shelters. Don't let the tsunami take you down with it. It isnt over till itsover.
Bowyn, I am truly sorry for your loss. And proud of you and the way you have kept it together thus far. If I were betrayed like that.... lets just say FEMA would be busy for a few months.

I can not imagine the pain and damage that has done to you. I have trust issues, but not from people I could ever choose to be in a relationship with (i.e., its from family). I can not imagine the pain caused by roots strung so deep being ripped out like that. I would probably rather end up dead than at the receiving end of what you got. This whole thing is so sad :frown:

And I'm sorry if this offends you, but I want to cold cock him right in the face, then tar and feather him and run him away from you. No one deserves that. No one.

I'm so sorry :frown: Bighug
I think we all want to run him off, or worse, but we all know that has to be your decision, Bowyn.

No one deserves that treatment, and, from what I've read here, you deserve it even less that a lot of people.
I am so sorry David Bighug

If I had to guess about why you are so cut off from you emotions , I would say that right now you are numb,with the exception of revolt, that is.

It worries me that this has been going on for so long, and makes wonder how much longer this would have continued if you had not have discovered it.
What worries me more is that he lied in couples therapy as well.

14 years is a very long time to be together, you may not feel that you love him, but
when the dust settles, those feeling have a nasty way of popping their head back up.

I don't want you beating yourself up over this ,you did nothing to deserve this , no one deserves betrayal, do not allow negative thoughts in, and never play the "What If" game.

Eventually you will have to work through this and let forgiveness in for your sake not his.I know one thing you will really need to work hard on trusting someone again.

I guess my biggest concern is .Can you forgive him?
And if you do forgive him , will you be able to stop yourself from bringing it up during the heat of the moment argument?

Always here for you my friend.
Knuddel nuff said...
Heart  Life's too short to miss an opportunity to show your love and affection!  Heart
archubbycub Wrote:Bowyn, first let me say I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Something you thought was "real and true" has been proven to be a lie and I know that hurts. Second I think right now you're just in shock, which is why you feel so jaded and cynical. It's normal but you know that. But finally, and I can't stress this enough, please please please get yourself tested! I don't care how much he tells you he used protection, you owe it to yourself to make sure. And if he would lie about other things, he'll lie about a little rubber! The only one who can really take care of you is you! Stay strong and stand your ground! You deserve so much better than him! Much love my friend! Bighug

Well tested for what exactly? HIV? I get that done every 6 months because, you see, two years into this 'relationship' he came back positive.

It took five years to discover he hooked up with his ex during his drug-relapse (his drug of choice meth, his tweak of choice sex). Since it was all tied into drug use (marathon sex on meth) I let it slide because I figured that normally (clean and sober) he wouldn't be having sex with people.

Yeah I know, there is gonorrhea , syphilis, herpes and others. Plus there is the potential for scabies, lice and other 'critters'.

Understand that sex around here with me is a rare and mystical creature. For the past 12 years he has been at best 'shy' pulling back and worried about giving me HIV... Well maybe he was just too tired...

And when we did have sex I made certain to condomize before I sodomized him. Um no, he it what you would call a 'total bottom' in that he would never mount me even if you held a gun to his head.

I am actually more worried about contracting contact things like scabies and lice. Thus its the couch for him.
CCRox Wrote:I liked ManicLewis' description too. I'm sorry to read your news Bow and I'll be thinking about your situation and hoping you get some relief and closure in due time. If it were me I'd have to have him OUT TONIGHT. If he gets back in later so be it, but as of right now...get OUT. "Go live with your consequences because you creep me OUT right now you self serving dip shidiot!" Doing the laundry makes me sick to my stomach, what a jerk. Well I'm totally pissed with this thread and this man.

Listen, my bf had a very active online life when we first met. He agreed to clean it up and maintain a decent respect for our relationship. He did just that (thankfully), yet I STILL installed monitoring software and four years later there has not been any indication of impropriety. He does not know about the monitoring and that discussion will likely fire up another thread but not here. He knows without question I will have NO tolerance for dishonesty or disrespect. He'll never get it from me and I'll never tolerate it from him.

OK sorry to get off on my own tangent. I'm going to be thinking of you and hope you get whatever your deserve as my mother always quipped about jading and perplexing relations. Honestly, I say this in consideration and concern and mean no disrespect or offense. I can definitely empathize as I'd be so discouraged...and so glad to be rid of his arsss! Knuddel

Monitoring software. I couldn't do that. Even now with all I know I still have "respect" for privacy. I didn't even click on those emails. Had he logged off that day I wouldn't have dreamed to look on his email.

No tolerance... Yeah I had that once, but then I bent down, wiped that line out of the sand and drew a new line further back with 'Little Tolerance'... Then I bent over and wiped that line out of the sand...

I think the older I have become the more 'tolerant' and 'accepting' of the unacceptable I have become. And not just in this relationship, in other areas of my life.

I think that is a shame on me.

Thanks for your input.
East Wrote:BA...let me clarify the part about owning things for you because it is so important .....and I am so much better communicating in person than I am on paper and because of that I often fail to make my point or make myself clear....

Owning your part in it is not really about fault or about you being responsible for anything he has done....

I will use myself for an example. When I had my abusive relationship...I eventually "owned" that I turned my head and avoided confronting the truth when it was in front of me...I constantly made excuses for inexcusable behavior....I pretended I was stupid and/or naive so I didn't have to confront my own weaknesses. I lied to myself constantly and made it his fault when my lies were exposed to me. I made him responsible for my feelings. I punished him for things he didnt' do to avoid punishing him for things he did do just so I didn't have to see them. I made excuses for myself allowing him to treat me the way he did.

I could go on but hopefully you get the drift....

There are always dynamics involved that are unique to each situation and owning your part in anything is the greatest freedom you can give yourself....I promise.

If you see it as "blame" or even "fault"...redirect your thinking until you see it as personal responsibility. It will give you an amazing sense of freedom but initially it doesn't seem as though it will.

Smile I know what you are talking about. "Allowing" things to go on is one of my big stumbling blocks. I tend to 'allow' much because of the illusion of peace it brings.

I am also aware that there may have been things I have done that may have made it easier for him to go and have fun. Such as not question too much the odd fact that it takes only a half hour to get to work, yet an hour and a half to get home...

I do get stuck in the 'its all my fault' program loop. I'm real good at making excuses for others and laying fault for many things beyond my control at my own feet. Thus the whole 'owning' thing is one of my blind spots as I 'own' too much.


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