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Need advice about coming out
#1
Hello all,

It has been a while since I have been on this site. I think I might be ready to come out but I am scared to death. My parents are constantly asking me when I am going to get a girlfriend. And when they see someone gay on tv or hear about someone coming out they are disgusted. I am very close to my parents and don't know what I would do if they would reject me. As far as my life, its pretty good. Lots of friends, great job, my own home. But I just have that empty feeling and wanting more. I want that someone to hold. And I'm 22 years old and i'm a virgin. So when I see my straight friends in my pool, it takes alot to hold back my emotions which I'm sure you can understand. Well I have an oppurtunity to move out of town and start a new career. I am thinking about taking it and kind of starting a new life that way, in case my parents want nothing to do with me I think it would be easier being away from them. I am tired of waiting and want to live my life as ME and not as a lie. Any advice?
#2
inthecloset Wrote:Hello all,

It has been a while since I have been on this site. I think I might be ready to come out but I am scared to death. My parents are constantly asking me when I am going to get a girlfriend. And when they see someone gay on tv or hear about someone coming out they are disgusted. I am very close to my parents and don't know what I would do if they would reject me. As far as my life, its pretty good. Lots of friends, great job, my own home. But I just have that empty feeling and wanting more. I want that someone to hold. And I'm 22 years old and i'm a virgin. So when I see my straight friends in my pool, it takes alot to hold back my emotions which I'm sure you can understand. Well I have an oppurtunity to move out of town and start a new career. I am thinking about taking it and kind of starting a new life that way, in case my parents want nothing to do with me I think it would be easier being away from them. I am tired of waiting and want to live my life as ME and not as a lie. Any advice?

Yeah babe.
Go for it.

Scariest thing you'll ever do.

But once it's done, wow, ton of bricks off your back.

And I love the idea of FRESH STARTS. That's totally what I'm doing. Moving far away from where I've been living. Toughest thing I've ever done, but I've got high hopes.

Best wishes. Keep us posted.
Smile
#3
I think you should take your chance to go, and have some measure of financial stability through the move. Distance will make it a little easier.

I do think you are headed for a major family rejection here, and that is one of the hardest things to instigate. And make no mistake, it is you who will instigate it. While it's their choice to react as they do, you will come out knowing full well their views on homosexuality. I think you need to do, you have to be true to yourself and, learn to love the real you and, you can't do that if you are living a lie.

As hard as that is going to be, that isn't the hardest part of coming out under family rejection, even loosing them isn't the worst of it. It's what your own mind will do to you in the aftermath that's the hardest. The self blame, guilt and even self hatred. The one advantage you have over me is that now, you know it's coming and, you will be ready to minimize it and work through it a lot faster than I did.

Learn to love you, take care of you, and be the best you that you can be, then you will be the best partner for the man you find to love that you can be. No life will never be perfect, but it's a lot better when you are doing your best to be who you really are - go for it, be ready for the aftermath and, know that you can and will get through it all, and come out honestly you, and stronger and happier than you are now.
#4
Thank you both for your advice. I know the right thing to do is just get it over with but it's easier said then done. You both made valid points. I also think by moving out of town will buy me time. Being away I can secretly live a gay life. Eventually that will spoil i am sure. It's a lot to digest, but something has to be done. Of course I think about it all the time and wondering when will I get the courage to do so. But lately the thought has been growing and seeming more believable. I have a 1st cousin that recently came out, and his parents accept him greatly, my parents heard about it and just kind of shrubbed their shoulders. I am not close to this cousin but I wonder if I can reach out to him for advice without letting the truth get out. Do you think I can trust this person? Is there a guy/gay code out there for this? haha
#5
Please don´t let the social pressure on you because you will end up living somebody´s life, a role that sooner or later you won´t be able to cope, I had my first and only girl friend at 25, I married and after 15 years, two kidsl, I am separating now and I feel in part guilty and regret somehow for the lost time for her and for myself, because I rendered to the wishes of my parents.
Be yourself, fresh starts or at least a time out is an excellent idea, Good Luck...
#6
I would reach out to your cousin and, in fact come out to him. He knows what it's like, and he won't out you before you out yourself. We all understand that and, few would ever do that to anyone. No code of course, but it's understood you just don't do that unless you are a complete ass, or say the one you are being a safety net for endangers his life and you have to out him to get him the help he needs.
#7
Blue Wrote:I would reach out to your cousin and, in fact come out to him. He knows what it's like, and he won't out you before you out yourself. We all understand that and, few would ever do that to anyone. No code of course, but it's understood you just don't do that unless you are a complete ass, or say the one you are being a safety net for endangers his life and you have to out him to get him the help he needs.

Agreed. 100%.
#8
use caution as anyone would do. Dont make the move only because you want to get away from your parents but rather because it could be exciting, more opportunity. The change has got to be stable, especially in this economy.

If your self supporting, no big inheritance, not a work issue, its time to take your life forward. If you are out to your self get that boy friend you want. Start by being clear to your self who you are. Find new gay affirming friends. Tell your friends your gay, some will drop out but being gay is no big deal these days. Tell your mother.

you dont owe your parents anything if they are not able to support you emotionally. It amazes me how parents can live with their child for 20 years and not know he she is gay. I actually think they know. I am really thinking along the lines they are un sure about their own sexuality and need to hide under stringent religion and strong guide lines in order to raise the family with success. Your parents are only human and something for them has failed or never been there. Your not the bad.
#9
Your actually in a much better position that a lot of younger guys who are contemplating coming out.
You have your own home, your in a great job and you have a circle of social friends. As a last resort you even have the option to move away and make a fresh start. A lot of younger guys who are making the decision to come out, also have to figure in the possibility of being kicked out of the family home with no financial support which adds tremendous pressure on whether to come out or not.

Regardless of what anyone else says here in the forum, only you can make the decision on when's the right time to come out. There is no hard and fast rule, and you dont get any less gay the longer you delay making that decision :biggrin:

I guess the important thing is that you have some kind of support around you, just in case things go horribly wrong. Your cousin is certainly one option, but you should probably be honest and open with him, assuming that you can trust him not to go talking to your immediate family before you have the chance to. The other option is to decide on whether you have a close friend within your current social circle that you can confide in. Your probably around your friends much more that your parents, so I would give some thought to possibly coming out to one (or more) of them before tackling the parents. You don't mention if you have any brothers or sisters. They are also a good starting point before parents.

If you decide to jump in at the deep end so to speak, consider a hart to hart with mum first when dads not around. I think you will find that most people on here have told mum first (who then usually says I already knew!) which has at least provided some support to tell their dad.

Whatever you do, only do it when your ready. Once the genie is out that particular bottle there is no going back.

Good Luck Confusedmile:
#10
I'm 16 and i know exactly how you feel. If you have the chance to live like you meant to be, go for it. If your parents are the only one you're afraid of; forget them. I have a loving family, sister and friends. But that kind of love.. i think it worth anything.


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