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Newly out as bi - Need advice on my first guy dating experience!
#11
Hey everyone, I thought I'd post a bit of an update - sadly things are just more difficult and confusing.
At the last update about 2 weeks ago I had broken everything off and we were just going to be friends while he worked out his confusion etc. We went for a long walk and I set out VERY clear boundaries. No physical contact. No holding hands, no kissing, nothing romantic until he figured his stuff out. I told him that if he decided that he didn't see any romantic future with me or couldn't envision anything more then that's all we could do and I would let him know if I ever was okay adding anything physical back into the game. But I made it very clear that while I wasn't going to pressure him for answers or put a timeline on things, that were fiends only and if we wanted to proceed that it had to mean at least something or at least be with the goal of seeing where things could go. I didn't need a relationship, I totally understood his need to explore, but we needed to stop things because I was very upfront about having feelings. He was really great about everything, said he never wanted to lose my friendship, never meant to lead me on, and that he didn't really know if he had more feelings for me and was so confused that he couldn't put things into words - He just was enjoying everything and doing what felt right and not thinking about the future or consequences. So we mutually agreed to cool stuff off. I was pretty over everything and had accepted it for what it was- confusing and great at the same time. We hung out with mutual friends the next few days but did nothing more and things were going great - we were growing closer as friends and I had my emotions much more in check. I was prepared to cut off ties if lines got blurred.
Unfortunately, a few days later we went out to karaoke with friends and everything just felt so amazing, We had both had a few drinks but we weren't destroyed. All of our friends left at closing time and there wasnt a cab to be had but there was a cab station a few blocks away so we decided to just walk and nab a cab together. He told me he really enjoyed hanging out with me and seeing me sing and being more free made him see a really attractive new side of me that he really liked. He grabbed my hand and we held hands all the way to the cab. We decided to grab food and my place was a few blocks by so we foolishly made the decision to just crash at my place. When we got to my place he asked if he could kiss me and we made out for a while and then ended up sleeping together. he said he missed kissing me and not being able to kiss me was really difficult for him. He spent the night curled up in my arms. I worked really early so he was still sleeping when I left. He ended up tidying up my place and making my bed, and wrote his name with a smily face on my whiteboard. he sent me a really nice text in the morning saying he had a blast and hoped my work day was good and that he had cleaned up for me a bit, which was really sweet. In the middle of the day he sent me a photo compilation he had made of me from the night before - so clearly he was thinking about me throughout the day. I kind of just accepted that it was a one off night and told myself there were still no feelings. Indeed, we hung out every couple days over the next week and there was general touching / arms around each other, and we went for dinner once, but mostly everything was hanging out with friends, but it seemed like things were going great. But then he really started to warm up to me even more. He asked me how my morning was going at work, and started making more of an effort to text me and make plans instead of me taking the lead a lot of the time. There was still the odd bit of not texting back right away if we hung out the night before, but we still seemed unable to keep distance from each other. if we hung out with friends we would be the last to leave and hang out afterwards alone.
I also started coming out to most of my friends and our mutual friends. He started to come hang out and meet my friends and they all really hit it off.
This past thursday he asked if I would come watch football with him. I assumed it was going to be a group of friends but it was only me and him. Dinner out at a pub and watching the game went great and we just clicked so well. Afterwards we were going to meet up with friends at a local bar, but he said he wanted to spend some alone time with me instead. We ended up sitting in my hot tub and he held my hand and we watched the stars. We fooled around a bit and he confessed that he's into me and that I had started appearing in a lot of his dreams. We ended up just hanging out the rest of the night and skipping the bar, but I drove him home and he insisted on holding my hand the entire way home and kissed me goodnight. He was back to putting my name in songs and being completely into me.
So at this point all of the boundaries we put up were destroyed.
Now for the past week things have been lukewarm. We've hung out every second night, and two days ago he came to one of my friends birthdays with me and we had a bit of a spark - arm around each other at the bar etc, made out once. But I asked if he wanted to fool around a bit after work one night and he just said he was too tired. Were still getting a long great, but it feels lukewarm and distant a bit after such an amazing night Thursday,
I feel like Ive been more sexually aggressive - so I don't feel like he's playing me or using me for sex at all. I don't understand the change back again. It feels ever so hot and cold. We heat up and have an amazing week, only for him to slightly pull back when I feel it appears that he's really into us. Its nothing obvious or negative, just subtle changes in energy.
We ended up just telling our friends that we have been a thing, but neither one knows what to tell our friends what it is or call it. I asked one of our good mutual friends if there has been any other guys with him etc and save for a guy that he brought around them three weeks ago and made out with at the bar - No one has seen anyone else and were together at least three times a week.
he has also started to insist on paying for everything for me. He bought me this really cool set of beer glasses as a gift, and tries to buy all my drinks when we go out now.
I know that nothing has probably changed. But Im falling hard now. I feel so stuck. he's now one of my closest friends. Ive became really close friends with two of his best friends, and he's met most of my close friends and they all really like each other and want to hang out more.
I can't imagine that this could possibly work out. I don't want to have the talk again as I can't keep having this what are we talk"every two weeks. All I wanted was honesty, consistency, and communication. I was doing great at separating my emotions when it was consistent, but while its still a bit hot and cold, the hot moments are getting more emotional from his side.
I'm learning a lot about myself, Im really liking the sex, and I care the world about him. But I don't think I can be friends at this point if it fizzles out or if he suddenly starts dating someone. I laid out clear rules and asked for complete honesty, but I just think he is so confused.

So I feel like one of three things are going on-
--> He is not in a place in his for a relationship but really likes me. When we hang out and have a great night together he can't help but be all over me emotionally and hold my hand, make out, say he's dreaming about me etc. Then he panics when he starts to get feelings, so he pulls back a bit for a few days.
--> Im his side guy. Theres someone else that he's hiding from everyone such as the guy he was making out with three weeks ago while I was away - Less likely but possible, but odd that if they are getting serious, that none of his friends have seen him round, and he never talks about him, etc.
-->Im a placeholder. He loves my friendship, he loves my friends, he loves me physically (I know this one for sure as he's very clear about that), but for some reason just doesn't want a relationship with me personally. He wants to like me because its so perfect, but just doesn't. But I'm just the perfect guy to have around till he falls in love. This is the only option that would really make me mad as I specifically laid out my rules that I wasn't to be a placeholder.
So I know it's going no where. I realize there's very little chance that this will finally progress to something more. But I don't know how to walk away. I've never lost a close friend in my life and going through coming out without him is going to be so tough as he's helped me through a lot of it. Ive learned about myself through him, Ive gained the courage to come out and start loving myself more. I genuinely have never clicked with someone this well in my life. The sex is amazing. Im developing strong feelings, but I realize that even if he has strong feelings for me (which I think maybe probably does), he's not ready to explore them or has another holdup that could be his life situation, or just something about my personality that's intangible. It's just so frustrating that half the time his words don't match his actions.
But everything is there. We love each others friends, we see each other more than anyone else in the world. We have great sex. I have a great career (I'm a physician), Im financially stable, he finds my job a turn on, he have similar views on life and interests. It just feels like such a loss for me to break this off and throw what could be by far the best relationship of my life away, but I think I have to.
Any advice? Is there anything worth saving?
I'm so deep that I don't think I could see him be in a relationship with someone else. Im so scared Im going to lose mutual friends or hurt mutual friends if I just break it off completely and delete him from social media etc. We keep trying to cool it off but neither of us can stay away from the other emotionally or physically. I like everything about him too much to just be around him and not do more. I realize his feeling aren't as strong for me almost certainly, but part of me still feels like he's just so afraid of anything resembling commitment with coming out, that no matter how perfect I am for him, that this will never be more.
I have a few dates booked for next week with a couple of guys I met online and a girl that Ive known for a bit - Im thinking that will help me move on a bit. But I don't want to. I want this to work, but I know deep down that it won't. It's tearing me up as I feel so stuck. Being in this limbo more than casually dating but not exclusive Is killing me inside emotionally, but Ill be crushed to lose him completely.
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#12
Thanks for the replies. Being very careful was very good advice. Im pretty sure its number two - He started seeing the guy he saw while away on vacation more seriously and just kept it hidden from and all of our mutual friends. He posted snapchats together at the Canada day celebrations today so clearly he is back or still in the picture and he is just getting more hot and cold with me. He knew I would see them, so it must be his way of giving me the cold shoulder out of no where. Im kind of wrecked over this. I knew it would probably end bad, but I assumed as one of my best friends (or so I thought) that I would at least get a heads up or some closure or anything really. Im done with the situation either way. Im a great catch and I don't want someone in my life who respects me that little. I'll grow from this but it really hurts. I think Im just gonna stop making any effort and that'll show how it plays out as I still have to see him occasionally through mutual friends. It was only two months, but what a terrible way to experience my coming out. I feel like I lost one of my best friends. I've never lost a friend before, and to feel so thrown aside really feels so terrible.
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#13
[MENTION=24534]newtothis32[/MENTION] This sounds like a real whirlwind! It will take time to process. Sometimes, with best intentions of protecting our hearts and keeping them closed off, the heart wants it's own thing-love. And of course, love often times clashes with the rational mind.

Maybe things will work out with him in the future. But if not, it sounds like you have other potential partners in the wings, and being Bi- that will increase the possibility of it happening sooner, and it sounds as though you are open fully to being Bi with male and female dates!

Good luck!
Barbarus hic ego sum quia non intelligor ulli
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#14
I say count yourself lucky that you're not with him in any way more than just friends.

You had a couple of fun flings with a friend; in retrospect it turns out that's all it was. So your dis-illusion should be a relief. You no longer are under the spell of hoping for something that cannot be. Don't mourn too long about a relationship that never was.

You have a lot to offer someone. Are you interested in anyone else?
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#15
Camfer Wrote:I say count yourself lucky that you're not with him in any way more than just friends.

You had a couple of fun flings with a friend; in retrospect it turns out that's all it was. So your dis-illusion should be a relief. You no longer are under the spell of hoping for something that cannot be. Don't mourn too long about a relationship that never was.

You have a lot to offer someone. Are you interested in anyone else?

Thanks for the replies! I definitely don't think I was disillusioned , just confused from the mixed messages. His best friends pretty much all talked to me and told me that I was his main guy in all this, but he's not in any place for any commitment - they feel that he started to become attached and thus is backing off which makes sense due to how intense things were getting. We were definitely more than friends as he was telling people we were seeing each other and we're still going on actual dates. I just don't think he wants anything more with me right now or likely either anyone right now. So it really makes sense that he'd back off and go for someone accessible and easier to not have feelings for when he cools off on us and dates around. Either that or he was feeling stuff out and someone else made him lock it down and thus he can't really be around me anymore. He's told me since that he's into me and that there was something more there, so while it definitely wasn't an exclusive relationship, we were definitely seeing each other /casual dating so I don't think I was disillusioned about that by the end. I just think He is confused and not ready for this and maybe I'm just not the right guy for him right now. Either way, in the end I know what I want and this is not is. I deserve communication and respect, no matter whether this is a close friendship or more. I dont think it's a healthy or good thing to be involved with someone whom is so emotionally unavailable and unreliable. I just hope I can salvage a friendship.
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#16
newtothis32 Wrote:...I know what I want and this is not it. I deserve communication and respect, no matter whether this is a close friendship or more. I dont think it's a healthy or good thing to be involved with someone whom is so emotionally unavailable and unreliable. I just hope I can salvage a friendship.

Yes! Someone's going to be lucky to call you their guy.
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