Well... It doesn't seem right, this feeling. But I'm so use to it. My chest is collasping in, the hands of the crushing void are dragging me in. I've realized that even though I try to get noticed I don't because I don't allow it. It's like being gay, I want to change and be straight but the thought scares the hell out of me. I want to be noticed, I want to feel that people can see me, but it scares the hell out of me to think that people will notice me. That my 'space' will no longer exist, my corner won't be a corner anymore. I don't even feel like I'm in this body, I always feel like the ground will give away to a bottomless pit.
I want to move on, but I myself, won't allow it. Beacuse I'm afraid, I've grown on the outisde but inside I'm still that child. Hopeless, defenseless, and scared. Inside it's like I'm back there, at the house. Waking up at three in the morning to the sound of cars driving on the gravel in the driveway, yelling, talking, walking, doors opening and closing. Waking up in the morning to strangers at my feet and having my heart stop. Walking through a house where you couldn't see the floor, walking into a bathroom where you couldn't see the tub. Living in the house where when you're hurt you're told the shut the **** up and grow up or you'll recieve a reason to hurt or cry. Being in that dark room at the second floor being told to touch 'here' and 'there'. Waking up thirsty and searching the house for anything to drink, but most nights you couldn't find anything so you walked back to the room with the black light. A bunkbed, only one mattress and sheet, two little boys shared this room. A room that smells of flith; flith I won't discuss. That house where porn magezines laid everywhere and the man who was in that dark room everynight yelling at you to give them to him. That house where you sat in the driveway crying, waiting for you dad to come... But he never did and you thought he left you and abandoned you.
What hurts the most, is my grandma. She knew my dad was looking for any evidence of what my mom was doing so he could get my sister, my little brother, and I out. But she did nothing, didn't help my dad, because she wanted to protect her children. But what about your grandchildren? Do they mean nothing? I guess not...
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
•
Posts: 2,797
Threads: 61
Joined: May 2011
Reputation:
0
I'm a : Single Gay Man
Starsign:  Pisces
Mood:
 I'm nowhere near as good with words as you are but I'm glad you are with your father now who seems to care about you a great deal and you will become a stronger person from your past experiences.
•
SadSilence
how can anyone deal with a thing like that... I wish I'd know. I am afraid you know much more and you are much stronger than I ever needed to be. I wish you didn't have to. I wish ... so many things for you.
I feel like I have always lived in a fluffy bubble, protected from bad things. I have my own skeleton in the closet that scares me so much that I don't even dare to come to that room. But I didn't need to deal with it as a kid.
Damn that distance! My arms are aching because I can't give you a hug. Well, maybe you are not a hugging type person anyway 
I strongly believe things will get better for you. They already are! You have come so far already. I know every step was a struggle, but it was also celebrated as such. By all members of GS who try to be there for you.
You don't need to have everything happen fast and at once. You don't need to open to the entire world. Try one person. It doesn't matter if it is an adult, your classmate or a boy/girl from next door. Go swim together, or bike or something that you like to do.
Are there some classes at school? Creative writing maybe? Maybe just hanging around with people will help you to find a way how to not be afraid of contact.
And SadSilence, trust me, you won't be happy if you try to "change yourself," and believe me straights have their problems too. And they are NOT smaller than yours. They are just different. But they are scary and painful and many wish they were gay. Drop the idea, SadSilence. I know what I am talking about.
Edit:
And one more thing...
I know you couldn't have controlled what was happening to you. But there are many things NOW that you CAN CONTROL. You are a man in command. Not of everything, but well... adults can't control everything either. There are those assholes bosses, those checks and bills that need to be paid, etc.
But you can control much more things that you used to. And when you are ready, YOU will decide that what happened to you years ago, will not affect your future life. You have time.
Zeon offered help to you.
http://www.gayspeak.com/showthread.php?t=19696
read his post. Maybe you will find that you have something in common.
•
Mmm, that is what is feels like, huh? An old wound that had to grow a nasty scar around it just to live, it gets only slightly less ugly with time, and never fully heals. You get used to seeing it, telling someone how you got it helps sometimes, too. Figuratively and emotionally disfigured. Rage on, my good man, rage on ( I MEAN KEEP ON WRITING).
•
hello sad silence,
I am sorry nto hear all the crap thats gone on in your life... Abuse of any nature in this world isnt accepted and trust me i had 12 long years of physical abuse from an alcoholic.. Ranging from daily beatings through to finding my stuff smashed and being told to admit it was me who did it and if i didnt i got another punch except in my case my dad wasnt a man like your dad... My dad didnt protect his son He left him for dead! I understand how it feels to be trapped mister because i was there once... I understand about self harm because ive got the scars to proove it which change colour ten years on from the episode.. I understand the pain your feeling and will continue to be part of this community to help you.
I can understand how you are mad at your grand mother because grand mothers can be more selfish than most in a family at times.. Reading this makes sense why your dad checks you for cuts because you are his boy... His flesh and blood and his petrified your going to end up doing yourself in... You dont need to be scared of the past as its been served cold in a way you shouldnt ever had experienced it like me with my daily beatings... I so badly want to just get a giant rubber and pencil and rub out the bad stuff in your life and draw you your new life. You got so much potential locked inside and you dont even realise it because the past is hanging on mister... You are a fantastic person and everytime you feel low you tell yourself you are a great person because one day according to my gut instinct your going to get that oppetunity to show it. Your going to meet a guy who will give you all the love in his heart and your going to be able to get your own pad and your own front door which you can close all the shit out.. You will be able to put your feet up and eventually who knows... You may be doing what i do and help others in a way of dealing with pain as i do.. If things get too much instead of letting them haunt you send me a private message. I help various members on this site and some in the UK i help over the phone as well (hence why i opted for unlimited texts)...
Dont let the past haunt you and let us help you get out of it...
Kindest regards and big big big big Aunty Hugz
Aunty Zeon x
•
To move forward you must forgive the child in you that had no choice.
The child that had to endure , the defenseless little one , that tried but was never strong enough.
Forgive the child in you.
•
ThaTS TRUE mum,
Sad silence you are not to blame for the things that happenned in your life because you didnt ask them to be occuring in your life. You are a free spirit and was born that way and the people who have put you into a box inside need to know that they may have prisoned you for a bit but your now out in the open and plan to achieve the goals in yourn liofe. Give it time and things will begin to fall into place... I will support you on advice however long it takes along with the rest of the community
Kindest regards
Aunty Zeon x
•
There is so much I want to say to you.
Its like you opened my book and ripped out a page of my life and put it here.
The sameness - My God. I didn't know - I couldn't imagine.
Down to waiting for dad. Down to Grandma's inability to 'do something'.
I'm lost for words.
•
Your posts scare me. Well actually they scare the little boy inside of me. This is why I usually don't reply to them. I didn't understand why until I read this thread. Then it became perfectly - and yes - painfully - clear as to why your words scare the little boy inside of me.
I would like to take your hand and show you my life and show you both the ugly and the beautiful. Show you the ugly so you understand that yes you are not the only one to feel the way you do for the reasons you do. Show you the beautiful so you can look forward to tomorrow with real hope.
I would like to say it gets easy and turns out perfectly. That is not altogether true. In truth it gets better. Each day it gets just a little better. And the day after that a wee bit better.
In my teens and 20's I would wake up screaming covered in sweat shaking in horror at some half remembered dream where the memories were of emotions 4-5 times a week.
In my 40's I only wake up screaming, covered in sweat in horror over some half remembered dream of emotions 2-3 times a year.
It got better.
In my 20's I wanted to die, I wanted to beat up the walls, I wanted to stick a needle in my arm and kill myself one happy high after another.
In my 40's I can look back and see 16 years clean and sober with the cravings all but a dim memory.
It got better.
In my teens and 20's I was scared of everyone, scared of everything - I wanted to be noticed - to be seen - but was too terrified to reach out.
In my 40's many people see me, many people know me - mostly. And I reach out - often - not always, but often. Yes there is still a little fear left.
It got better.
Yes there are moments when I am transported back to THEN - that terrible place and I relive it completely in full living color. I am transported back far less often today than I did back in my early adulthood.
It got better.
It gets better, time has a strange well of working things out. No not as swift and completely as we may wish, but it does get better.
It got better for me, it will get better for you.
I wish I could take your hand and take you through the last 30 years of my life (Starting at age 15) and show you the wonders this world holds that I have personally discovered. I want so very much to introduce you to those wonderful brilliant, clever humans I have met along the way.
Each wonder, no matter how great or how small helped to make it better. Each of those bright shining human beings I met made it a little better.
You have your own wonders to discover, your own moment of joy and bliss, and there are about a million individuals ahead of you who are clever, and brilliant, shining examples of what is best in humanity - it will get better.
•
Posts: 1,296
Threads: 77
Joined: Jun 2009
Reputation:
0
I'm a : Single Gay Man
Starsign:  Virgo
Mood:
Preditor took me down at 7, my fault, cause that's what my parents said, outed at 14, that's my the preditor took me at 7. sister stopped me from killing myself at 16, parants didn't care, at 18 went into service, did 3 tours cause it didn't matter, survived, the rage inside caused me to do things I am not proud of, 26 years old, finally went for help, it took 3 years, now looking back I use all I have been through to help others, I really do care, not only about glbt youth but all youth, if someone that isn't worth sh.t like me can make it, I guess everyone can and I really want to live to see that happen, Jim
•
|
