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not sure how to tell my family
#1
hi i have just recently came out to some close friends and i am in a relationship but i want to tell my family that im gay but i dont know how i am affraid of rejection and loosing them if any one has any words of advice could you please help me
#2
sounds like you want to do it. not giving a lot of information.

must you do this?
if your away at school and your parents contribute to your tuition etc., why put the checks that are generous/ frequent/ dependable in jeopardy? wait till your financially better off independant. do you have any reason to think they would negatively react. Would they understand things if you told them. Once you come out they might need some time to think it through, tell them your still the same person. Do they already know?

if your family is not close and your off away at school why bother for now.

think in terms of coming out to friends, sister, brother, mother, dad; In that order.

this must be your decision, you are doing it only for yourself right?

method:
i would pack mother and or dad into the car. you drive, while driving tell them.
best of luck
#3
pellaz Wrote:method:
i would pack mother and or dad into the car. you drive, while driving tell them.
best of luck

I would not come out while driving a vehicle. If things got heated, which is a possibility, then it is the worst place to be. The argument would distract you, as the driver, which may result in an accident.

I'm sorry, but the advice to come out whilst driving seems to me to be the utmost in stupidity.



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#4
Moose Jaw is not the most liberal part of the country, but I find most people think their parents will react a lot worse than they actually do.

My advice would be to prepare yourself to deal with some tension early on, most parents will get over it in time, and often they surprise you with how accepting they can be.
When a subject is highly controversial — and any question about sex is that — one cannot hope to tell the truth. One can only show how one came to hold whatever opinion one does hold. One can only give one's audience the chance of drawing their own conclusions as they observe the limitations, the prejudices, the idiosyncrasies of the speaker.
- Virginia Woolf
#5
You might find this inspirational in coming up with what to say:




Or you might even send it to them (which may, or may not, be the better option).
#6
From my experience just tell them. Sit them down somewhere and start talking.

Of course most people think of the tuition and support they get from their parents, but I think to do so is extremely selfish. If you believe in that then your basically saying to yourself that your screwing your parents and you know it. Don't think about it like that, just think about you in general. How you feel and are you ready to that's all that should be a factor, and while money can come in to, I don't feel it should be your driving one.

I personally don't like the idea of locking them in somewhere with you where they can't get away. Sometimes parents need the space if they do take it. I left my parents for two days after I told them because they seemed very quiet and I told them I would give them some time.

Things still aren't great, but so long as they love me, which they said they do, i'm perfectly fine. And the feeling you have afterwards, a weight off your shoulders is amazing.

Just think in your mind, do you want to do this and if you do then go do it :-) I decided 6 hours before telling them that I'm going to. It came to me sporadically that day and I just did it.
#7
colinmackay Wrote:I'm sorry, but the advice to come out whilst driving seems to me to be the utmost in stupidity.



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Pretty sure I couldn't disagree more. If you come out while driving, the whole point is that you are in control of the situation. You're controlling the vehicle, you're controlling the conversation. The advantage is that if your parents have a tendency to walk away from awkward conversations, they have a harder time doing that while barreling down the highway at 60 mph and it's your foot on the gas. The idea that things will get so heated that you will drive into a flock of school children in a fit of emotional blindness seems, in my humble opinion, to be of the utmost in stupidity. Coming out can be emotional, yes, but if you are so emotional that getting into an argument with your parents makes you unable to drive a car, then you probably shouldn't be allowed to drive at all.

Make sure you get your speech ready, and be sure to leave time at the end for some Q and A. Parents typically have some questions upon learning the news. It's your job to stay calm, even if they don't. Also, be aware that moms always cry. They just do. A strategically placed box of tissues in the back seat can make things a little more comfortable for her. Good luck!
#8
musicman2229 Wrote:Pretty sure I couldn't disagree more. If you come out while driving, the whole point is that you are in control of the situation. You're controlling the vehicle, you're controlling the conversation. The advantage is that if your parents have a tendency to walk away from awkward conversations, they have a harder time doing that while barreling down the highway at 60 mph and it's your foot on the gas. The idea that things will get so heated that you will drive into a flock of school children in a fit of emotional blindness seems, in my humble opinion, to be of the utmost in stupidity. Coming out can be emotional, yes, but if you are so emotional that getting into an argument with your parents makes you unable to drive a car, then you probably shouldn't be allowed to drive at all.

Make sure you get your speech ready, and be sure to leave time at the end for some Q and A. Parents typically have some questions upon learning the news. It's your job to stay calm, even if they don't. Also, be aware that moms always cry. They just do. A strategically placed box of tissues in the back seat can make things a little more comfortable for her. Good luck!

I'm not sure how to respond to this. I'm utterly shocked on so many levels.

Firstly, you should never imprison anyone in a car like this, for that's what it is. If they have a tendency to walk away from awkward conversations then let them and find a different way to pass the message along.

Frightening them (if they recognise you're emotive and aren't concentrating enough on driving) while coming out to them is hardly going to endear them to the idea. Or are you hoping for the Stockholm Syndrome effect to kick in?

Second, you are NOT in control of the situation. It's a false sense of security. I've been there (not for the coming out speech, but equally emotive as I was being manipulated by my psychopathic, and I use that word most judiciously, ex). I ended up going faster just to end the situation. Luckily it was quiet.

In another example when I was driving while very emotive (the night I left my ex) the bits between leaving my front door to arriving in my parents street are a blank. That was 9 years ago and it still scares me that I can't remember the journey. The only bit I remember is arriving in my parents street and wondering how the hell I got there.

Finally, just because an ordinarily reasonable and rational person can get so emotive and/or distressed that they are unfit to drive on some individual occasions should not bar them from driving at other times so long as they recognise when they are unsafe to drive.

If I get into that state I know to pull over and wait to calm down or I don't start the journey at all if I am in or think likely I'll get into that state.


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#9
colinmackay Wrote:I'm sorry, but the advice to come out whilst driving seems to me to be the utmost in stupidity.

how insane do you credit the parents to be:
-Do you think they will grab the wheel and crash the car?
-if they start a high pitch screaming you might consider it,

you must not be a very good driver, you could do it on the bus if you dont have a car.
#10
colinmackay Wrote:I'm not sure how to respond to this. I'm utterly shocked on so many levels.

Firstly, you should never imprison anyone in a car like this, for that's what it is. If they have a tendency to walk away from awkward conversations then let them and find a different way to pass the message along.

Maybe I'm being too militant in my approach, but why not? They imprisoned this person in a house where he felt insecure being himself for at least 18 years. Maybe they deserve 30 minutes of their own medicine.

colinmackay Wrote:Frightening them (if they recognise you're emotive and aren't concentrating enough on driving) while coming out to them is hardly going to endear them to the idea. Or are you hoping for the Stockholm Syndrome effect to kick in?

Clearly you're missing the point. If you start out too emotional, then you either didn't think it through enough, or you're simply not emotionally ready. Do you ever talk on the phone while driving? It's a pretty distracting activity, and just about everybody in my city does it. I've lived there for 4 years and have not been run down yet.

colinmackay Wrote:Second, you are NOT in control of the situation. It's a false sense of security. I've been there (not for the coming out speech, but equally emotive as I was being manipulated by my psychopathic, and I use that word most judiciously, ex). I ended up going faster just to end the situation. Luckily it was quiet.

Wow, way to comfort the kid in his time of need! Just because you aren't in control of your emotions enough to drive safely doesn't mean other people aren't. I'm really quite glad that an ocean and half of a continent are separating us, because I would hate to see you on the roads after a heated debated on gayspeak.


colinmackay Wrote:In another example when I was driving while very emotive (the night I left my ex) the bits between leaving my front door to arriving in my parents street are a blank. That was 9 years ago and it still scares me that I can't remember the journey. The only bit I remember is arriving in my parents street and wondering how the hell I got there.

This sounds more and more like it's acutely YOUR problem, not CMJ1985's, and not mine. You are hardly the first person to have an emotional experience while driving, but you are the first that I've heard about who has blacked out because of rage and stress and can't remember a specific drive home. You're right, that's scary, and you should get it checked out.

colinmackay Wrote:Finally, just because an ordinarily reasonable and rational person can get so emotive and/or distressed that they are unfit to drive on some individual occasions should not bar them from driving at other times so long as they recognise when they are unsafe to drive.

So, basically, understand your limits and only drive when you are safe to drive? That's fine. So say, hypothetically, that a certain 26 year old from Moose Jaw realizes that, from past stressful experiences behind the wheel, his temperament enables him to drive safely in emotional situations. By your logic, if he feels that he is safe to drive, then there is no reason why he shouldn't come out while driving purely on the basis that he might cause an accident. Correct?
My point is that with 7 billion people on the planet, not everybody is going to have the same emotional driving tendencies that you do.

colinmackay Wrote:If I get into that state I know to pull over and wait to calm down or I don't start the journey at all if I am in or think likely I'll get into that state.

Good. You recognize your limitations. I'll just say that I came out to my mom while driving. The emotions were all coming from her, and we were never in any danger. It went extremely well, and I have since recommended this method to lots of people who were wondering about how to best come out. I won't claim that it's absolutely the best method. I only had one mom to try it on, and it worked for me, but there are probably dozens of methods I haven't even thought of that would work just as well or better.


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