These past few years have been rough for me. I'm going to lay it all out in front of you.

I'm not a good person, I'm closeted, I lie and manipulate, I've gay bashed. I enjoyed physically beating open guys and something in me fed on their fear. I also liked verbally harassing guys to. I've pretended to like guys only to humiliate them later, by publicly sharing private photos, everything from catfishing on grindr to making fun of their bodies for any minor flaws. I'm also a drug addict. My life is trash because I'm been so cruel to people. I really hated being gay, and I still do, but I want help.

Feel free to hate on me in the comments, I deserve that. 

Since the new year, I've been trying to turn things around, I tried to apologize to the many many guys I hurt in my past, one guy forgave me. the others (a few dozen) did not. I understand why, and I'm not mad, I dont really deserve forgiveness. I'm very broke and I'm seeking legitimate help in the form of psychiatric counseling. I've contacted lgbt resource centers in my area, but the only free services they offer are for children and teens, which I fully understand. I dont know much about getting psychiatric help, I want help very badly. I understand that I can commit myself to a mental institution to receive help, but honestly I'm afraid of doing that. I want help but to still have freedom. 

Are there any free or subsidized mental health programs for low income gay adults in the USA, or government programs?

Also I understand that I need to get clean from drugs but honestly right now they are the only thing keeping me from suicide, I need to sort of my homophobia issues first.

I mean you can always talk to a behavioral therapist or a psychiatrist to talk and discuss the homophobia issues. Most organizations do have low income based/sliding scale rates, for instance many years ago before I had a decent job it only cost me $5 to go see a therapist. So look for mental health places and just call and ask if they have such an offering.

The question is, why did you do all this? I don't think anyone including yourself would disagree that it is sick and depraved to do the things your described and appears you were aware of that prior to turning things around?

I will say that is good that you're trying to turn things around. I am curious about what made you decide to do that? Are you committed to not doing these deplorable things you mentioned?

If you think some time in a mental institution is what you need then do it. It isn't like "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and only a qualified professional can help you decide if that is the right thing.

Most to all US states have some sort of county mental health. The problem is they tend to be overburdened and most doctors and therapists move to better jobs as soon as they're able so there's a lot of turnover, and of course some people get into therapy to hurt others just as you have done, or at least exploit them in one way or another, so caution is called for.

However, they're usually aware of places that the mentally ill can get together, a center of some sort. Many to most are sure to be closed at the moment due to the pandemic. But if you can get into them they will have a variety of special interest workshops, including in dealing with what you're trying to overcome. The one I've been to has special groups for LGBT in addition to those wrestling with self-hatred. While I was not impressed with what little I saw of the counseling programs, you can find people like yourself there and help each other (or hurt each other, whatever). This struck me as the most useful. (My partner and a friend gets help at a county mental health facility and I often wait for them at the local center just outside that is free, even to me, and as I have PTSD and go to a support group, which includes members there, they accept me as one of them. But other than trying some of the free programs out of curiosity I mostly play Uno with those there while I wait, though sometimes I help in the garden.)

As for me...the ONLY therapy that has ever worked for me (somewhat) is the PTSD support group in which I share with others who have it and we find inspiration in each other. A counselor only moderates it and acts as a referee. For this reason I prefer group therapy to someone with a degree counseling me.

As a final note, you should ask for a group that openly accepts LGBT (and pray you don't get a homophobe that tries to "redirect you to Jesus" or something). Otherwise, you might find yourself in a church sponsored group which typically isn't there to actually help you.

(06-15-2020, 03:44 AM)InbetweenDreams Wrote: The question is, why did you do all this? 


I am curious about what made you decide to do that? Are you committed to not doing these deplorable things you mentioned?

If you think some time in a mental institution is what you need then do it. It isn't like "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and only a qualified professional can help you decide if that is the right thing.

It was more like a compulsion, and I guess at least when I was growing up as a teenager, gays were still fair game as far as most people were concerned. In School when I was a kid, you could still pick on gays, there werent many and the teachers didnt really send you to the office for it. It just grew from there. I'm usually polite to people other than gay men. I guess it was also, that I was very good at being bad, I know exactly what to say to really push people and breaking guys especially feminine ones made feel, I cant say exactly, proficient, talented maybe? I'm really ashamed to explain this stuff, but I want to be as clear as possible

I'm just tired of feeling sick all of the time, and I take alot of drugs when I'm not a work, because I really cant stand to be around myself, so I sleep most of the time. I'm pretty high right now actually.

Do institutions report your mental illnesses? or do you have any confidentiality?

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(06-15-2020, 04:07 AM)Pix Wrote: Most to all US states have some sort of county mental health. 
 
As a final note, you should ask for a group that openly accepts LGBT (and pray you don't get a homophobe that tries to "redirect you to Jesus" or something).  Otherwise, you might find yourself in a church sponsored group which typically isn't there to actually help you.

Thank you, I live a block from my county health center, I've gotten Narcan and took a class from them before.

No worries there, I dont believe in god. I'm not anti-Christian, I just don't buy into it.

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It completely escape my mind to say this, but I was outed on New Years day by a coworker, thats part of the reason I decided to try to get better. I can't believe I forgot to mention it, but I'm sort of high right now.

I'm considered low-income too, and am currently on my state's version of Medicaid. When I was last treated for my mental health, I didn't really pay anything, because my health insurance (which is paid for by the state) covered it, and I didn't have any copays or deductibles.

If you have health insurance already, be it public or private, you can call the number on your health insurance card and ask for a list of "in-network" therapists and other mental health facilities (including help with substance abuse). You might need a "referral", this can come from your primary care provider (if you have one), or other kinds of healthcare/mental health professionals. Sometimes you don't need a referral, you can "self-refer." For me, a college guidance counselor ambushed me by calling in some sort of social worker that evaluated me.

If you don't have any health insurance at the moment, consider applying for Medicaid. Medicaid is state-run health insurance. It also subsidizes private health insurance plans. Each state has its own version of Medicaid - some are better than others. If you have a pitifully small health insurance plan from an employer and are still low-income, Medicaid can sometimes supplement it.

There are limited times during the year you can apply for Medicaid, so check your states medicaid website. There are places that can help you get enrolled. Sometimes, hospitals have a department that are good at helping you get insured.

Once insured, you can start jumping through the hoops of in-network providers and referrals. It's always good to ask "Are you covered by my insurance? Are you in-network?" etc. It's a pain in the ass, but you know, politics and big money and shit.

Therapists and other healthcare providers can be good at pointing you in the right direction, and doing all the right paperwork to keep you "in-network" and covered.

In the meantime, follow up with Pix's advice.

(06-15-2020, 04:33 AM)Cowboy Wrote: It was more like a compulsion, and I guess at least when I was growing up as a teenager, gays were still fair game as far as most people were concerned. In School when I was a kid, you could still pick on gays, there werent many and the teachers didnt really send you to the office for it. It just grew from there. I'm usually polite to people other than gay men. I guess it was also, that I was very good at being bad, I know exactly what to say to really push people and breaking guys especially feminine ones made feel, I cant say exactly, proficient, talented maybe?  I'm really ashamed to explain this stuff, but I want to be as clear as possible

I'm just tired of feeling sick all of the time, and I take alot of drugs when I'm not a work, because I really cant stand to be around myself, so I sleep most of the time. I'm pretty high right now actually.

Do institutions report your mental illnesses? or do you have any confidentiality?

You're protected under HIPPA. So they can't put that you see a therapist for XYZ just like your doctor can't share that you have high cholesterol. They can share under certain cases information with your doctor (primary care physician). There will usually be forms that you fill out asking who they may disclose certain information to, like a family member or friend, etc.

The fact that you are ashamed does mean there is hope that you can change for the better. I do think you should consider doing what you can to get off the drugs. It will most certainly destroy any kind of life you were wishing to live and it will ultimately kill you. So if you want to redeem yourself, become a better person and be able to get the things out of life that you really want you have got to get off the drugs.

An anonymous help line relationship, in time, will really help you figure out how to draw realistic boundaries to stay safe. This is a disturbing way to live and I sure hope you stay connected for support and help to find the right boundaries to express your compulsion in as safe a way as possible. If you request and "demand" this type relationship you very well may find your way to the help you want.

(06-15-2020, 12:47 PM)InbetweenDreams Wrote: You're protected under HIPPA. 

The fact that you are ashamed does mean there is hope that you can change for the better. I do think you should consider doing what you can to get off the drugs. It will most certainly destroy any kind of life you were wishing to live and it will ultimately kill you. So if you want to redeem yourself, become a better person and be able to get the things out of life that you really want you have got to get off the drugs.

I just know that certain jobs, will disqualify you for mental illness. So I was concerned.

I do wanna get clean, but I don't think I can get mentally sane and clean at the same time. I think getting psychiatric help is the more important of the two because it can hurt others and my addiction only hurts me. I don't really have contact with any family.

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(06-15-2020, 05:04 AM)Chase Wrote: I'm considered low-income too, and am currently on my state's version of Medicaid. When I was last treated for my mental health, I didn't really pay anything, because my health insurance (which is paid for by the state) covered it, and I didn't have any copays or deductibles.

If you have health insurance already

If you don't have any health insurance at the moment, consider applying for Medicaid. Medicaid is state-run health insurance. It also subsidizes private health insurance plans.

I contacted my County mental heath office this morning and they have subsidized programs for the uninsured who don't have medicaid. I'd be afraid to apply for medicaid. I don't know if you have to prove your low income status. I live alone, and usually somebody with my income would probably have roomates. Not all of my income is legal, so I dont know how much they dig into your financials. because I'm living somewhat above my taxed income. I live alone because I think, its safer.

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(06-15-2020, 02:22 PM)ChadCoxRox Wrote: An anonymous help line relationship, in time, will really help you figure out how to draw realistic boundaries to stay safe. This is a disturbing way to live and I sure hope you stay connected for support and help to find the right boundaries to express your compulsion in as safe a way as possible. If you request and "demand" this type relationship you very well may find your way to the help you want.

I dont like my compulsion and I want to get rid of it, expressing it is immoral. I also want to say I don't get any sexual pleasure from it, I'm not a sex offender. I'm bad, but I'm not like that, I'm not a rapist.

I've seen a nice guy, we went of two dates and I would like to feel safe around him, so I want to get help for that. I only desire a normal life not a fucked up relationship with bounderies where abuse is allowed.

Ive been few a few cross dressers who were into the the humiliation sex stuff and I didnt like the idea of feeding my demons like that.

(06-15-2020, 03:03 AM)Cowboy Wrote: Also I understand that I need to get clean from drugs but honestly right now they are the only thing keeping me from suicide, I need to sort of my homophobia issues first.

Cowboy, what I'm seeing is you perpetuating your own trap in several thinking errors. As a recovering addict and alcoholic with lots of healed junk unloaded from the trunk, laying it all out there to see with all my own cognitive dissonance and having worked with others on behavioral health recovery for many years, I suggest you consider switching it around. If using is the only thing keeping you from suicide yet you must change your homophobia first, I assert you are doomed to fail friend. The poor solution of using to avoid pain will only keep you spinning away from the homophobia resolution. It's a thinking trick and the very best referral I can offer you is the online rooms of SMART Recovery. This form of self help is VERY cognitively therapeutic with an emphasis on sorting out sobriety so you can advance to deeper matters of the heart and mind.

SMART Recovery is NOT a replacement for 12 step groups. It is a separate support strategy parallel to any other source of support and recovery work. It is self paced and thinking focused and so also meant to be trauma sensitive and supportive of real change in the here and now while building a bridge to the deep seated depth you seek. There's the cognitive exercises and practices, the online forum community and local area in person meetings too.

There's no charges so there's really no excuse. They MAIN thing is to be open and honest as you can muster, especially about your thoughts about harm to yourself or others.

SMART Recovery

Wishing you all the very best.

(06-16-2020, 11:40 PM)ChadCoxRox Wrote:

(06-15-2020, 03:03 AM)Cowboy Wrote: Also I understand that I need to get clean from drugs but honestly right now they are the only thing keeping me from suicide, I need to sort of my homophobia issues first.

Cowboy, what I'm seeing is you perpetuating your own trap in several thinking errors.

If using is the only thing keeping you from suicide yet you must change your homophobia first, I assert you are doomed to fail friend. The poor solution of using to avoid pain will only keep you spinning away from the homophobia resolution. 

There's no charges so there's really no excuse. They MAIN thing is to be open and honest as you can muster, especially about your thoughts about harm to yourself or others.

SMART Recovery

Wishing you all the very best.

I respect your experience. I see what you're trying to saying, but I have a concern and perhaps a justification.

I'm fearing that the all out pressure of trying to get clean and get mentally well at the same time will be too much. I know I would fail if I try to do all of that at once. I really only use drugs to sleep and not for fun also.

My mental health county office has reduced services because of the pandemic, and cancelled all meetings but they have some staffing for emergencies. They gave me a number for the community warmline for emergencies.

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I also gave away 25% of my drugs today, so its a step forward.