Need Help Dont know what to do!!!!!!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You are married.

I believe that when you stood before a minister/priest/judge you uttered something along the lines of:

"I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, forsaking all others; from this day forward until death do us part."

Basically you made a life long commitment to remain monogamous with that one woman. She is expecting monogamy from you, it was implied the day you slipped a ring on her finger. Monogamy doesn't mean you are only going to sleep around with guys, it means that have the same sex with the same person day after day, month after month, year after year until death do you part.

Just because you now suddenly want to change the rules doesn't mean you have the right to change up the rules without her knowing. She is expecting to have sex with you and only you - not you and every man you have sex with with the potential for a long list of STD's that you could pick up and transmit to her unwittingly. Wouldn't she be surprised to learn she has gonorrhea or something along those lines?

I strongly suggest you get tested for STD's - these random encounters with strangers are the most dangerous. There are guys with HIV who act exactly like this, spreading the infection all over the place on purpose. Did that thought scare you? Good - be scared.

To give you an idea how this could be going down, look at Google:
http://www.google.com/webhp?hl=en#hl=en&...30&bih=609

You don't know this guy from Adam, he is a stranger who showed up and I presume will/has vanished without a trace. We cannot be certain what his full agenda was/is, we can't be certain he was/is only looking for sex. I hope (and pray) he was/is just a randy fellow who thought you were a hot front desk clerk and not a sicko with an agenda.

Assuming for the moment that this is not one of those kinds of people, you must understand that there are risks with random acts of sex with random strangers. Risks that your wife did not sign on for, risks she is clueless about and she will want or expect that her monogamous husband to not be the bearer of 'bad news' in the form of STD's.

Lets say you do pick up and STD and pass it on to her, how will you feel knowing you have passed on an STD to her? How will she take the news learning from her doctor that while totally in a monogamous relationship she is suddenly sick?

http://www.listofstds.com/ is a list of STD's - read them, get familiar with them. Then seriously consider if it is worth the risk to your wife.

I think you can safely scratch off this one 'accidental encounter' as just that - accidental, with no to little risks. However now you are thinking seriously about experimenting and doing it again and again.

You need to clue the wife in on your intentions, plans and give her the chance to decide if she wants to enjoy those risks with you.

Most likely she will want a divorce. Her right. She will want Alimony and Child support. Trust me you don't want to be stuck with a 3 year old when you are out hunting down men.... sends the wrong signal. She will get custody - you most likely will have visiting rights.

I have not laid out all of the negative potentials here.

Lets say you do go playing around and some mutual friend of you and your wife's sees you... what happens when the wife finds out you are hanging out with 'gay men'? Will she be prone to logical discussion when she finds out from a stranger or is she the type that will cut off Mr. Pee-Pee and throw him into the insinkerator (garbage disposal)? Its happened before, it will happen again - just pray it doesn't happen to you.

Am I scaring you? Good - that is my intention.

I want to to seriously consider all of the really dark potentials here.

Imagine the worse - you catching HIV and having to explain to your son when he is 10 years old why it is mommy and daddy are getting their viral loads checked and taking very expensive medications. All because you got it from some random man and passed it on to your trusting wife.

I'm not denying you your fun. If you want to go out and take those risks, then do it. but do not pull your wife along with you. Be open and honest about your wants and desires - she has a right to know who she is married too.

I would strongly suggest you take time off from work and get couple's counseling BEFORE you go any further down this road. The therapist will see both of you together and will see each of you alone. Then you can bring up this encounter and your wants/desires to be with men in one on one session (without the wife) with the therapist. You can explore what it means to you, explore your options and work through the complexities of emotions here then you can explore telling the wife your 'need' to have men in your life.

The therapist will suggest how to go about opening up to your wife. You will have the option to tell her in therapy which will give you a neutral 'safe' place to discuss it with a mediator who can hopefully defuse the impact. Instead of dropping an atomic bomb, the explosion will be more or less ten tons of TNT.

Or you can decide to stick with the marriage, forget this dude and the sex. OR you can just tell her today and let the pieces fall as they may.