Homosexuality and issues with one's same-sex parent

[BigCub]

sure I have to deal with issues because of what they did but, I'm doing well, down to just a few triggers and, living as close to my dream life as is realistically possible so.

That is one thing I have never had, I have never had any issues to deal with. Well maybe the whole being gay thing at first was an issue, since my parent are VERY religious, neither of them smoke, drink, do drugs, swear, gamble, or ANYTHING of any kind. In my entire life I have never heard either of them even say the word "sex", let alone talk about it or even do it. I would get smacked if I even said the word "butt", in their eyes that words was just as hanis as if I had said "fuck". So you can imagine what they thought of many other words.

But when I moved out on my own at 19, I suddenly felt free, like I could finally be the person I always was, I no longer had to suppress my whole existence. I could finally say all the things I wanted to say, I could eat all the foods I wanted to eat, I could be friends with people I wanted to be friends with, I could go to restaurants I wanted to go to.

Perhaps in the beginning I did go a bit wild because I suddenly found myself able to experience the world for the first time. I got to meet people outside my family & church, I got to try all kinds of new things that I never knew existed. I wasn't afraid of anything, there was nothing I wasn't willing to do. I went out into the world ready for anything & everything & I never looked back. Of course when I do see or speak to my parents, I have to suppress everything again & pretend that I am a innocent, naive & know nothing of the world outside of my little community. Needless to say those visits & conversations do not last very long.

The one thing I do seem to carry with me from my childhood is my very strong control of emotions. I was basically raised to be a Vulcan. I was never allowed to feel angry, sad, hurt, upset, depressed, or any emotion other than happiness, but only a mild level of happiness. Any time I felt angry or sad I was always told, "what do you have to feel angry about? You don't have a worry in the world, we pay all the bills, buy you everything you need, feed you, clothe you, put a roof over your head. The ONLY thing you should feel is appreciation & gratitude for all the things we do for you."

So I learned since birth, how to control my emotions & suppress any feelings I have. It is something that is so ingrained into my being, that I am unable to even show certain emotion & other emotions I believe I am incapable of feeling, let alone expressing. I have been told many times that I seen very detached, cold, heartless & even soulless. It's just very difficult to feel or express an emotion that you have been suppressing for almost 40 years & in all actuality may have never even experienced that emotion. The one emotion that I try to suppress but sometimes does get out is anger. When I do feel anger, its not because I allow it to happen, its because it has built up to the point that I am no longer to hold it back & by this point, it becomes very dangerous. I tend to loose all inhibitions, I say & do EVERYTHING that comes to my mind. I wont hurt other people feeling, I DESTROY their feelings. I make people feel like they are a useless waste of human flesh. Because I am a very large man, I am also a VERY strong man & I do tend to damage things without any effort. I suddenly become the Incredible Hulk, I have ripped doors off their hinges, I have yanked phones off the wall, I have ripped electrical outlets out of the wall, once I ever warped a car door to the point it has to be replaced with a new one because it no longer closed at all.

I don't actually blame my parents for all of this. I mean I have not lived in the same home as them for 20 years. I have lived on my own longer than I did with them. So what ever they did or didn't do to me, I don't feel really has much of an influence over who I am now. I don't think about it, I don't talk about it. If someone asks, then I will tell you things but its not something that is ever on my mind.