How are you today?

[warmpixels]

I'm not doing so hot. I take an acting class and a few weeks ago my teacher made a point to tell me that because my teeth are so crooked, I'll never be able to be a proper stage actor. That really bummed me out cause I hate my smile. I know it's awful, I don't need to be reminded. But I was just getting over it when today, after I asked to be excused from an exercise because I felt embarrassed about doing it, he told me he wanted to speak to me privately.

He asked why I refused the exercise and I told him it made me uncomfortable and that I've recently realized that performing/acting just isn't what I want to do. Then for some reason, he decides to spend 5 minutes telling me how ugly I am, picking out all my physical flaws/insecurities (my weight, my teeth, my face in general, etc) and that if I want to be an actor I need to accept it so that I can focus on roles that call for that kind of actor.

I told him that I once played a romantic lead in a community theater show and he said "That's the last romantic lead you'll ever play. You're not Hal (the character I played), you're more like Hal's lab assistant." That's what he said verbatim. Mind you, this is all AFTER I told him I'm not interested in acting anymore.

Those aren't nice things to hear. I'll be honest, after that I found an empty stairwell and cried like a 16 year old girl being stood up for prom. It was gross. Now I'm so full of residual anger and depression I can't even find the will to go to class. I feel humiliated. I feel embarrassed that I actually try to pick out nice clothes or get a nice haircut cause what the fuck does it matter? I really really really don't want to be around people right now, but I have no choice. Fuck this day.

I know I'm a few days late, but Wade... Ewan Mc Gregor has awful teeth. Yet I feel he's the sexiest guy alive.

Beauty and perfection, yes. That will open doors for you. But for you to reach success from hard work, that's what I feel is real success.

I'm dark skinned and tall and buff in Asia. I'm not expected to have feelings, because I'm male. It's hard enough when people look at my skin and judge me, but to have to fight for the right to cry, really, it's very tough.

Yet I won't give up.