09-29-2012, 11:35 PM
I am in love with my partner and I see a life with him, but I am afraid of loosing him over my sexual dissatisfaction. We have been together for 10 months. First time being in a serious relationship on my part. Sexual issues had been there from the beginning. I thought the sexual problems would ease with time and sex would improve, but now I am getting to a frustration point.
We are both 27. I am versatile 50%-50%. When we started going out he mentioned he was versatile as well but more of a bottom. I had no problem with that idea starting up. In our first sexual experiences I found out he had a situation with his foreskin but he never mentioned this issue, not even after acknowledging me noticing. So I decided not to mention it either. I penetrated him the first couple of times and sex was great. The first time (or two) that he penetrated me, although his pines was a little smaller than average I enjoyed myself very much. It was until about the third time he penetrated me that the issue was brought up. His pines hurt because his foreskin would cover his head and his skin would stretch making him hurt to the point of him getting soft. turns out he was too shy to tell that he had always had this issue. Giving him confidence from the beginning of our relationship he started opening up to me. He never thought that him needing a circumcision was a priority. I want to say that ignorance and fear were the maIn reasons. Also the fact that he had found a comfort zone being a bottom (which to this date he is still a little be shy to accept). Before me, he was in a three-year-long relationship with a guy who was only a top. Lastly, I would say that some insecurities also affected his choice for role in bed.
At that point, attempts to penetrate were less often because I understood his pain. He would try and the same thing would happen. He would get soft trying to penetrate me because of the pain. I began over analyzing the situation and ended up filling up my head with a bunch of shit. I thought the reason he would get soft was because he was only a bottom. Out of frustration, I would tell him what I thought was the issue. I thought that if he accepted that he was a bottom I would have had to realize that I was not going to be with someone who I was not compatible in bed. However, he kept saying that he did want to penetrate me and that he did not consider himself just a bottom. And then it would hit me again, "who would want to do something so uncomfortable and painful?" That is what the act of penetrating someone was for him. So I was very patient and try dealing with my frustration on my own. I had developed very strong feeling for him already and didn't want to pressure him in any way or make him feel worse. He expressed to me that this was the first time he was in this situation. He had never faced sexual dissatisfaction from a partner.
So a few months passed and a therapist for couples that we visited suggested a solution by getting a circumcision. The topic had been talked between my partner and I but I was not pushing it because although I knew it would be the THE solution, he was hesitant about it and thought that practice would ease the act of penetration and stretch his skin. A doctor had suggested to try to stretch it more and more after each time he would penetrate me. It had been months and we noticed the pain increased since it would stretch more and always. At the beginning the condom would protect it from stretching at all almost. So he finally decided to do it. He got circumcised.
We were both very nervous to try since we both had a bunch of shit in our heads. I would start thinking that if he couldn't get a hard on than my theory of him only being a bottom would be true. There was no pain now, so no excuse for not being hard. On the other hand, he wouldn't think of enjoying sex, he thought he had to satisfy me now or I would start thinking my stupid shit. So he felt all this pressure which would prevent him from getting hard. Although I would be understanding and patient with him, he thought that if he didn't "get a hard on" I would automatically start going back to my theory that he just didn't like to top.
We had one or two good times of intimacy after his circumcision but that was it. He continues to not satisfy me in bed. It is very uncomfortable. Now I am not sure if it all of the things that we have both been carrying in our heads, or if it is the size (his pines is very think and short) so when it's going in it hurts a lot and it pulls out frequently. I feel it does not reach a comfort point. It stays in a very uncomfortable and painful place.
I wonder if its his lack of experience as a top. He is not always gentile to try to relax me. I try to tell him what feels good and what doesn't but he gets soft listening to me kind of "telling him what to do" or "teaching him". He has also become frustrated of course. He has lost a lot of interest in having sex because he feels he is not going to satisfy me ever. He doesn't want me to penetrate him either because he has developed bitterness form the situation. He says he wants to hear that I want him and let him know how much I crave him. He is not ok with the idea of knowing that it will take time for me to adapt and find comfort. His attitude does not demonstrate that he wants to improve or learn little by little.
I don't know what to do or what to tell him anymore. I know I want to have a long relationship with him. We are engaged. We have plans for the future. But I think I have given up in trying to make our sex life improve. Every time we try is another mutual disappointment. I can feel he does not enjoys when I penetrate him as much as he used to any more.
I am looking for any type of advise and thoughts you all may have. We are not wiling to have an open relationship. We respect those types of relationships but we have agreed that would not work for us.
What can we do?
We are both 27. I am versatile 50%-50%. When we started going out he mentioned he was versatile as well but more of a bottom. I had no problem with that idea starting up. In our first sexual experiences I found out he had a situation with his foreskin but he never mentioned this issue, not even after acknowledging me noticing. So I decided not to mention it either. I penetrated him the first couple of times and sex was great. The first time (or two) that he penetrated me, although his pines was a little smaller than average I enjoyed myself very much. It was until about the third time he penetrated me that the issue was brought up. His pines hurt because his foreskin would cover his head and his skin would stretch making him hurt to the point of him getting soft. turns out he was too shy to tell that he had always had this issue. Giving him confidence from the beginning of our relationship he started opening up to me. He never thought that him needing a circumcision was a priority. I want to say that ignorance and fear were the maIn reasons. Also the fact that he had found a comfort zone being a bottom (which to this date he is still a little be shy to accept). Before me, he was in a three-year-long relationship with a guy who was only a top. Lastly, I would say that some insecurities also affected his choice for role in bed.
At that point, attempts to penetrate were less often because I understood his pain. He would try and the same thing would happen. He would get soft trying to penetrate me because of the pain. I began over analyzing the situation and ended up filling up my head with a bunch of shit. I thought the reason he would get soft was because he was only a bottom. Out of frustration, I would tell him what I thought was the issue. I thought that if he accepted that he was a bottom I would have had to realize that I was not going to be with someone who I was not compatible in bed. However, he kept saying that he did want to penetrate me and that he did not consider himself just a bottom. And then it would hit me again, "who would want to do something so uncomfortable and painful?" That is what the act of penetrating someone was for him. So I was very patient and try dealing with my frustration on my own. I had developed very strong feeling for him already and didn't want to pressure him in any way or make him feel worse. He expressed to me that this was the first time he was in this situation. He had never faced sexual dissatisfaction from a partner.
So a few months passed and a therapist for couples that we visited suggested a solution by getting a circumcision. The topic had been talked between my partner and I but I was not pushing it because although I knew it would be the THE solution, he was hesitant about it and thought that practice would ease the act of penetration and stretch his skin. A doctor had suggested to try to stretch it more and more after each time he would penetrate me. It had been months and we noticed the pain increased since it would stretch more and always. At the beginning the condom would protect it from stretching at all almost. So he finally decided to do it. He got circumcised.
We were both very nervous to try since we both had a bunch of shit in our heads. I would start thinking that if he couldn't get a hard on than my theory of him only being a bottom would be true. There was no pain now, so no excuse for not being hard. On the other hand, he wouldn't think of enjoying sex, he thought he had to satisfy me now or I would start thinking my stupid shit. So he felt all this pressure which would prevent him from getting hard. Although I would be understanding and patient with him, he thought that if he didn't "get a hard on" I would automatically start going back to my theory that he just didn't like to top.
We had one or two good times of intimacy after his circumcision but that was it. He continues to not satisfy me in bed. It is very uncomfortable. Now I am not sure if it all of the things that we have both been carrying in our heads, or if it is the size (his pines is very think and short) so when it's going in it hurts a lot and it pulls out frequently. I feel it does not reach a comfort point. It stays in a very uncomfortable and painful place.
I wonder if its his lack of experience as a top. He is not always gentile to try to relax me. I try to tell him what feels good and what doesn't but he gets soft listening to me kind of "telling him what to do" or "teaching him". He has also become frustrated of course. He has lost a lot of interest in having sex because he feels he is not going to satisfy me ever. He doesn't want me to penetrate him either because he has developed bitterness form the situation. He says he wants to hear that I want him and let him know how much I crave him. He is not ok with the idea of knowing that it will take time for me to adapt and find comfort. His attitude does not demonstrate that he wants to improve or learn little by little.
I don't know what to do or what to tell him anymore. I know I want to have a long relationship with him. We are engaged. We have plans for the future. But I think I have given up in trying to make our sex life improve. Every time we try is another mutual disappointment. I can feel he does not enjoys when I penetrate him as much as he used to any more.
I am looking for any type of advise and thoughts you all may have. We are not wiling to have an open relationship. We respect those types of relationships but we have agreed that would not work for us.
What can we do?
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