relationship crisis over sexual dissatisfaction

[HEA]

I am in love with my partner and I see a life with him, but I am afraid of loosing him over my sexual dissatisfaction. We have been together for 10 months. First time being in a serious relationship on my part. Sexual issues had been there from the beginning. I thought the sexual problems would ease with time and sex would improve, but now I am getting to a frustration point.

We are both 27. I am versatile 50%-50%. When we started going out he mentioned he was versatile as well but more of a bottom. I had no problem with that idea starting up. In our first sexual experiences I found out he had a situation with his foreskin but he never mentioned this issue, not even after acknowledging me noticing. So I decided not to mention it either. I penetrated him the first couple of times and sex was great. The first time (or two) that he penetrated me, although his pines was a little smaller than average I enjoyed myself very much. It was until about the third time he penetrated me that the issue was brought up. His pines hurt because his foreskin would cover his head and his skin would stretch making him hurt to the point of him getting soft. turns out he was too shy to tell that he had always had this issue. Giving him confidence from the beginning of our relationship he started opening up to me. He never thought that him needing a circumcision was a priority. I want to say that ignorance and fear were the maIn reasons. Also the fact that he had found a comfort zone being a bottom (which to this date he is still a little be shy to accept). Before me, he was in a three-year-long relationship with a guy who was only a top. Lastly, I would say that some insecurities also affected his choice for role in bed.

At that point, attempts to penetrate were less often because I understood his pain. He would try and the same thing would happen. He would get soft trying to penetrate me because of the pain. I began over analyzing the situation and ended up filling up my head with a bunch of shit. I thought the reason he would get soft was because he was only a bottom. Out of frustration, I would tell him what I thought was the issue. I thought that if he accepted that he was a bottom I would have had to realize that I was not going to be with someone who I was not compatible in bed. However, he kept saying that he did want to penetrate me and that he did not consider himself just a bottom. And then it would hit me again, "who would want to do something so uncomfortable and painful?" That is what the act of penetrating someone was for him. So I was very patient and try dealing with my frustration on my own. I had developed very strong feeling for him already and didn't want to pressure him in any way or make him feel worse. He expressed to me that this was the first time he was in this situation. He had never faced sexual dissatisfaction from a partner.

So a few months passed and a therapist for couples that we visited suggested a solution by getting a circumcision. The topic had been talked between my partner and I but I was not pushing it because although I knew it would be the THE solution, he was hesitant about it and thought that practice would ease the act of penetration and stretch his skin. A doctor had suggested to try to stretch it more and more after each time he would penetrate me. It had been months and we noticed the pain increased since it would stretch more and always. At the beginning the condom would protect it from stretching at all almost. So he finally decided to do it. He got circumcised.

We were both very nervous to try since we both had a bunch of shit in our heads. I would start thinking that if he couldn't get a hard on than my theory of him only being a bottom would be true. There was no pain now, so no excuse for not being hard. On the other hand, he wouldn't think of enjoying sex, he thought he had to satisfy me now or I would start thinking my stupid shit. So he felt all this pressure which would prevent him from getting hard. Although I would be understanding and patient with him, he thought that if he didn't "get a hard on" I would automatically start going back to my theory that he just didn't like to top.

We had one or two good times of intimacy after his circumcision but that was it. He continues to not satisfy me in bed. It is very uncomfortable. Now I am not sure if it all of the things that we have both been carrying in our heads, or if it is the size (his pines is very think and short) so when it's going in it hurts a lot and it pulls out frequently. I feel it does not reach a comfort point. It stays in a very uncomfortable and painful place.

I wonder if its his lack of experience as a top. He is not always gentile to try to relax me. I try to tell him what feels good and what doesn't but he gets soft listening to me kind of "telling him what to do" or "teaching him". He has also become frustrated of course. He has lost a lot of interest in having sex because he feels he is not going to satisfy me ever. He doesn't want me to penetrate him either because he has developed bitterness form the situation. He says he wants to hear that I want him and let him know how much I crave him. He is not ok with the idea of knowing that it will take time for me to adapt and find comfort. His attitude does not demonstrate that he wants to improve or learn little by little.

I don't know what to do or what to tell him anymore. I know I want to have a long relationship with him. We are engaged. We have plans for the future. But I think I have given up in trying to make our sex life improve. Every time we try is another mutual disappointment. I can feel he does not enjoys when I penetrate him as much as he used to any more.

I am looking for any type of advise and thoughts you all may have. We are not wiling to have an open relationship. We respect those types of relationships but we have agreed that would not work for us.

What can we do?

[Rainbowmum]

First let me say .

Do you love him?

I really think there are a lot of psychological scars that your partner needs to deal with.
If possible try couples therapy and maybe even a sex therapist .

I am not going to pretend that sex is no big deal in a relationship ,especially during the honeymoon phase .

I would hate to see this frustration turn into resentment.
Good luck with it all, we are all here for you .

[BobInTampa]

Well, since this is about SEX, i strongly urge you to find a therapist with experience in counseling gay couples. You're not the first cpl to have these issues, but you need to work with someone who can deal with the subject matter honestly and openly.

[alwaysimagine]

Let me just start by saying wow, that's a lot of pressure.

There seems to be a cycle from the description you provided.
1) You become frustrated from the lack of sexual satisfaction and share your feelings.
2) Your bf attempts to fix the problem by trying your suggestions or trying to do something different.
3) There's little to no improvement, which in turn increases your frustration and lowers his self confidence and increases the pressure for him to do better.

Although superficially, the problem may seem obvious and simple, it rarely is when feelings are involved. As much as we may want to be in control of what and how we feel, this is almost never the case. Similar to how you cannot help feeling frustrated, your partner cannot help feeling pressured because he knows what your expectations are and that he's not living up to them. The underlying reason for any erectile dysfunction is performance anxiety, and I imagine anyone in his shoes would be having the same kind of problems. Under that kind of stress, anxiety, and pressure, I'm surprised he manages to get hard at all.

The good news is you're both still trying. The bad news is that each try becomes more disappointing than the last, which only serves to perpetuate the cycle and destroy the comfort and security between the two of you. My suggestion is to shift the focus a bit. The main priorities right now should be:
1) Lowering your frustration by increasing your sexual satisfaction
2) Lowering the pressure your partner feels

My guess is, once your partner feels less pressure and becomes more confident in his performance, trying again will yield more improvements. The real thing to keep in mind is any improvement is better than none, and encouragement is very important. Change will be slow and painful. The question is, are there other ways for you to feel sexually satisfied without your partner penetrating you? Are you capable of going a period without being the bottom and not feeling sexually frustrated?

The mind tries to make sense of the world it's in, and what's true may not always make sense. Your perception of what's happening becomes your reality. You perceive that your partner doesn't enjoy being the top because of what's observable to you. This is perfectly logical, but not enjoying the experience doesn't equate to not wanting it. Similarly, it doesn't seem like you've been enjoying your current experience as a bottom, but that doesn't equate to you not wanting to be a bottom.

Understanding and patience is a must if there's going to be any positive changes. If things continue on it's current path, I fear it will only continue to worsen for the both of you. I wish I could provide more specific advice, but the details are for the two of you to figure out. What works and what doesn't work will be specific to the individuals involved. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you manage to work through it.

[Blue]

You've set up a mentality of failure here, you expect him not to satisfy yo so, he can't and, that reinforces his belief in the same.

The first time (or two) that he penetrated me, although his pines was a little smaller than average I enjoyed myself very much.

That tells me his size is really not the issue. And if it was painful, how did he do it those few times? There is a lot of stuff going on here that, doesn't quite add up but, he did get circumcised so, that should have fixed the pain problem. You need to look at why you aren't satisfied with him now, and what's different from the first few times that you were good with him.

I think it's a mentality issue, but you'd know that and, maybe a therapist would help you both sort it all out.

[pellaz]

welcome to gs

not that much in your post how partner is kind, gentle, loving. These are important too. Those days things get frustrating anal sex is not the end all. Due to medical conditions some couples cant do it.

if he is thick get a similar shaped dildo sex toys for your self. get used to how he might be in you. Reading into your post you might be using a decent lube but thought to suggest that you might change what you use or use a lot more.