Lost...isolated...and afraid

[dwightc]

I- I've been feeling isolated lately. Really, really isolated. Maybe it started when I told my dad who I really was. I don't know... I feel alone, afraid and scared. This feeling of being gay... is tearing me to shreds. I'm always alone, I purposely shut out everyone around me. I feel alone in an empty cave everyday. Dark, but sometimes a day will come when I'll light the torch and see little light around me, but it'll never last long; as I'm back to feeling isolated. I feel like I don't fit in, nobody likes me, nobody will ever like me. I hate looking at myself. Anytime I see myself in the mirror, I cry. Because I'm so ugly. I don't even look at myself anymore. I refer to my reflection as the darker half. Just a shadow, filled with hatred and sorrow. I feel like I'm not worthy of being gay.
Confusing. I guess that ties in with the hatred everyone feels towards me. I feel weaker for not succeeding in killing myself; when I tried sleeping on a bed of knives.

Even sillier when I say it. I have no social skills; I can't talk to anyone, nobody wants to bother listening to me, nor would they care. I feel like a ghost with no spirit. Just floating around plaguing the world everyday as I exist. I don't enjoy anything in life. I just hate myself in everyday. I write long stories of how pointless, useless and horrible I am and how the world is in such a disaster because I'm alive. And the only way for that disaster to end, is if I leave this mortal coil. But there's something keeping me alive. Is there someone there that would care?