I lost a friend - vent

[Anonymous]

I need to vent right now otherwise I feel like I’ll explode. We knew each other for 27 years and I still cannot put it in my head that all those years are gone in a heartbeat. Mostly because of my own fault. I knew his attitude to gay people, I knew he hates gays, lesbians and everyone else who’s not hetero. Just few days before there was something about gays on TV and he told me „man with a man? yuck, that’s disgusting. thanks God that you and I are normal men”.

I knew it and still wasn't careful enough. He saw me kissing with a guy and our friendship ended right there.

He changed completely towards me. The way he looked at me, as if I was a piece of shit. I’ve had homophobic things said to me before but I've never had such hate from anyone. He said many things – that he hates me, that he can’t believe I’m one of those psychos who puts their dicks in other men shit-holes, that I should be shot immediately, that I’m a parody of a man but one thing hurt me the most – he said he feels disgusted to have ever known me.

Even when I said that my private life doesn't define who I am, that I’m still his friend, he was like „you’re a fag, not a friend”. Also his remark „I bet you've always looked at my ass too, didn’t you?”

Also one more thing - I don’t have a job right now, he has a good one and we had a talk that he will find there a place for me. I was really hoping for it and now he told me to forget about it, because he will not work together with a fag.

He even said that if I go and apply myself, he’ll tell the employer such things about me that they’ll never hire me.
When we happen to meet each other, he passes by me as if I was an empty place.

I don’t think he will ever come around. I know his character and his opinion about this and I know he won’t change it even for his friend.

I know you’ll probably say it wasn’t my fault and that he wasn’t my friend to begin with but we’ve been through so many things together, good and bad. It hurts a lot and I cannot really understand that everything’s gone.

I don’t understand why such hate? How can just the fact that I’m gay destroy all the friendship we had? I’ve never betrayed him, never done anything bad to him. I've never came on to him. Why does he despise me so much?

How is it possible that one moment we have good relationships and the next he hates me through and through?

[MikeW]

...Why does he despise me so much?

How is it possible that one moment we have good relationships and the next he hates me through and through?

Well, first, I'm sorry this has happened to you.

But second, you need to understand that it isn't YOU he despises or hates… it is his IDEA of "gays". This has nothing what so ever to do with YOU, personally. Although you feel the loss, the fact is it is HIS loss, not yours. His own prejudice is preventing him from knowing and having someone who is a good friend.

You need to feel this through. You need to be very careful not to turn your frustration toward yourself, blaming yourself, being filled with regret about something that isn't your fault at all. If anything, you have every right to feel angry at and abandoned by someone who called you a friend but who can't see you as a real, living, breathing human being, only a "fag".

Total bullshit.

[Anonymous]

I know it's his own problems with gays but I really miss him. I know I've lost him.

[East]

I have a hard time understanding why you were friends with him in the first place. I wouldn't be able to get past him talking about other gay people the way he does.

In this instance though...I kinda understand his POV. You DID betray him....you deceived him. You knew he hated gay people and you pretended to be someone else in order to be friends with him.

If he had known who you were you would have never been friends. When relationships are based on lies...it never ends well....

There are no kumbaya moments here. I wish I could say I am sorry that you lost your friend...but I am not really.

What I am sorry about....I am sorry that there is so much hate in the world and I am sorry that you have to experience it.....I wish no one had to ever experience it.

[Lexington]

You'll have to give it some time, but hopefully you'll eventually get to a place where you can look at this friendship the right way. "This guy would've been a perfect friend...had he not been such a homophobic asshole." You in fact kept the facade going for nearly three decades, but to him, that wasn't enough. Those 27 years weren't enough to make him think "Well, I've always considered gays disgusting, but one of my longest and closest friends is gay. Maybe I'm wrong about that." Nope, you're just "one of them fags", and the door closes.

I'm sorry he wasn't able to revisit that prejudice. Maybe at some point down the road, he will. But for now, consider the friendship over. Grieve, play sad music, punch the pillows. Then go out there and continue being a kick-ass gay human being.

Lex

[Cridders88]

I'm sorry to hear you've had to go through this. I do agree with East though, I would've found it very difficult to be friends with someone with those views in the first place. You've had to lie to him for so long just to remain his friend, and that's never a good thing. Surely you couldn't have ever felt truly comfortable around him?

It's his loss that you are no longer friends, it sounds like he will never be able to get past this . He is not worthy of your friendship.

[Iceblink]

II know you’ll probably say it wasn’t my fault and that he wasn’t my friend to begin with but we’ve been through so many things together, good and bad. It hurts a lot and I cannot really understand that everything’s gone.

Of course people are going to say it wasn't your fault, because...

It wasn't your fault.

MikeK brought up blame and anger here, and what I have to say here is kind of along those lines. You say you are hurt and I think we all understand that and all would feel that, but I see no anger here. He said some extremely horrible things and while we should not let rage and anger control us, anger is a natural thing to feel in some situations and this situation and the horrendous things said is certainly one of those times. The fact that you only discuss hurt but no anger leads me to believe you are the one feeling blame. Also, being dismissive of the idea that people are going to say it wasn't your fault reinforces that idea for me. Further, the idea that you are the one feeling blame, the idea that you have a friend of 27 years that is only now learning of your orientation, along with posting this anonymously when you should not feel any embarrassment about someone else's homophobia, makes me suspect you still struggle with your sexual orientation. When you say your "private life" doesn't define you, I know that is a popular thing for gay people to say and it is true that alone it does not, but let's be serious, along with with many other things, it is a part of what makes up the person you are and it is not just a small part of who we are. Over the course of a lifetime, we spend an enormous about of time with this part of our life. We are in search of sexual partners, in search of dates, if one of those dates show promise we spend time trying to cultivate something more, we spend time working on our relationships, and hopefully finally find that gem that we will spend rest of our life with. When things surrounding our sexual orientation consumes so much of our lives, let's get over this idea that it is just some minor part of our life. I have been with my partner for 12 years and lived with him for 11 and I could not imagine having a best friend that was not aware of this part of my life. I'm not even sure if that would be possible. You went a very long 27 years without your friend knowing, did you really expect this could go on forever if he was that much a part of your life? I imagine this has probably been a hindrance in your personal life, having to keep that part of your life separate from the people in your life.

So what I am really saying, get over these feelings of guilt for this situation that has just occurred and get over any lingering shame for your sexual orientation/personal life. Sure you feel hurt, but do not be a part of the fault. The fault is his alone.

[Anonymous]

If I didn't tell him anything, that's because I didn't want to lose him. I'm in the closet myself and honestly he's the first person who know I'm gay. I never really wanted to come out and I didn't feel uncomfortable around him unless we spoke about gay people. Then I always thought he could see right through me, obviously he didn't, he always said that I'm a "real" man and eve that he has things to learn from me.

Maybe he wasn't worth my friendship but that doesn't change how shitty I feel now.

[Beaux]

If I didn't tell him anything, that's because I didn't want to lose him. I'm in the closet myself and honestly he's the first person who know I'm gay. I never really wanted to come out and I didn't feel uncomfortable around him unless we spoke about gay people. Then I always thought he could see right through me, obviously he didn't, he always said that I'm a "real" man and eve that he has things to learn from me.

Maybe he wasn't worth my friendship but that doesn't change how shitty I feel now.

I am not going to lecture you, but I suggest you read (and re-read) East's post, because on several levels this IS your fault. Your fault for hiding this important part of your life from your friend (and everyone else for that matter..), and your fault for expecting him to change his opinion.
You need to do some heavy thinking. About who you are, what you REALLY want out of life, and how you intend to rectify the years you have spent living a lie.

Best of Luck,
~Beaux

[Iceblink]

If I didn't tell him anything, that's because I didn't want to lose him. I'm in the closet myself and honestly he's the first person who know I'm gay. I never really wanted to come out and I didn't feel uncomfortable around him unless we spoke about gay people. Then I always thought he could see right through me, obviously he didn't, he always said that I'm a "real" man and eve that he has things to learn from me.

Maybe he wasn't worth my friendship but that doesn't change how shitty I feel now.

I had strongly suspected that you felt shame about your orientation, but this confirms my suspicions. You did not want to tell him "because you didn't want to lose him." It is also clear you have in the past written off and excused what he has had to say about gay people, despite the fact you are attracted to men. You are also in the closet.

You are anonymous here and so I have no inkling of who you are, but I can say this. Your sexual orientation does not mean you are not a person of worth, a person who should not expect respect, and it does not make you a bad person. Do not let people occupy your life that diminish your worth. Finding some pride and respect in yourself about this part of your life will go a long way to help you. We can all give you some support here, but also seek some people in your real life who have compassion without restrictions.