Advice about my straight friend

[Buffy]

Hello, guys,

I'm new here in this site. I've never posted before in a gay-friendly community, so I'm excited to be here. I'm not yet out of the closet, but I have known I am gay since I was a child.

Anyway, the advice I seek from you guys is about my straight friend. I say 'straight' because that's what she always says she is and I respect that.

We've been friends for three years now and I never came out to her. I've always been really attracted to her, so I suppose she must have noticed the way I look at her, because a few months back she kissed me when I was sleeping over at her house. Ever since that kiss, we've been making out, but always hidden from everyone else.

I've tried talking to her about sexual orientation and about us, but she always takes the subject lightly, joking around about it. I really like her a lot as more than friends, and I tried telling her this, but she freaked out about it, saying she wasn't gay. So I told her I didn't want us to be making out anymore. A couple days after I told her this, she showed up at my house crying saying she was sorry. She said she really liked being with me and kissing me, but that she was definitely straight. After this day, we've started taking things further in our "relationship" sexually speaking.

Even though I love it and I feel like I love her as well, I still feel like this is torture sometimes. I feel really conflicted about this. I know I haven't come out to anyone else yet, so what bothers me isn't that we do things hidden, it's the fact that she won't even admit to me her true feelings. When we're at school, we act as just friends, and when we're around our group of girl friends, she chats about boys and who she thinks is cute, and it really bothers me.

I would really appreciate any advice.