Feeling like crap.

[ZombieSlayer]

Lately i have been feeling like absolute crap. I havent really eaten in the past few days, I feel suicidal, I feel like im at a point where nothing matters anymore. I havent been feeling motivated to do anything. i've basicly given up. I dont wanna be here anymore.
what i would really like to do, is walk up the road to this feild type thing, and go to the pond in it, jump in, and tie myself to the dock's legs that go down into the water. I'll drown and wont float back up.
who would really even notice i was gone? probably no one.
i cant do this anymore. i cant keep fighting my depression everyday. i cant make it anymore.
im struggling everyday, but for what? so i can live the rest of my life unhappy? so i can pretend like everythings fine? so i can be even more of an inconvienance to everyone around me? No. no more. everything is changing too fast. and soon I'll have to be an adult and rely on myself when the truth is, im not ready. im not ready to be independant or to be an adult. that scares me too. i cant get a job and walk around with a target on my back because im transgender. so i can get discriminated against. Im a freak. No one wants me around. they wish i was gone, and so do i. i was planning on killing myself before my 18th birthday but i just thought, hey, why go thru another almost 2 years being miserable, when you can just end it now and be done with everything? seems more logical to me to just get it out of the way now. then i wont have to worry anymore. My mom will be happy having one child, the normal one. she'll get what she wants and i wont have to worry about anything anymore. and it will just be one more freak out of the way. Seems like the thing to do.