Feeling like crap.

[ZombieSlayer]

Lately i have been feeling like absolute crap. I havent really eaten in the past few days, I feel suicidal, I feel like im at a point where nothing matters anymore. I havent been feeling motivated to do anything. i've basicly given up. I dont wanna be here anymore.
what i would really like to do, is walk up the road to this feild type thing, and go to the pond in it, jump in, and tie myself to the dock's legs that go down into the water. I'll drown and wont float back up.
who would really even notice i was gone? probably no one.
i cant do this anymore. i cant keep fighting my depression everyday. i cant make it anymore.
im struggling everyday, but for what? so i can live the rest of my life unhappy? so i can pretend like everythings fine? so i can be even more of an inconvienance to everyone around me? No. no more. everything is changing too fast. and soon I'll have to be an adult and rely on myself when the truth is, im not ready. im not ready to be independant or to be an adult. that scares me too. i cant get a job and walk around with a target on my back because im transgender. so i can get discriminated against. Im a freak. No one wants me around. they wish i was gone, and so do i. i was planning on killing myself before my 18th birthday but i just thought, hey, why go thru another almost 2 years being miserable, when you can just end it now and be done with everything? seems more logical to me to just get it out of the way now. then i wont have to worry anymore. My mom will be happy having one child, the normal one. she'll get what she wants and i wont have to worry about anything anymore. and it will just be one more freak out of the way. Seems like the thing to do.

[dfiant]

naw....I feel so aweful that you are feeling that way. I can't imagine what you are going through, but believe me when I say that my heart goes out to you.

I don't know what I can say to make you feel better, but I will tell you a few things that I know. I have just gone through your pictures on your profile and you are so cute, I love the pics when you were blonde.

Whenever I see a thread with your name, I read it, I'm impressed with your maturity and the ease at which you can discuss things.

I'm probably only one of the many people here in gayspeak that wishes that I could physically be closer to you so that when you feel the way you do now, I could be there to listen and offer you a warm hug and a shoulder for your tears.

With your gorgeous smile, you are noticed and you would be missed.

I hope you find it in your heart to rise up, be your true self and realise that you have to live your life for you.

Gawd I wish I could just reach through this screen and give you a hug now xxx

[pellaz]

the time till your are 18, 2 years is a long time. Think of how things changed in the last 2 years. It will continue so please dont measure your happiness with your current reference.

Its a lot like doing gayspeak, your posts are well done here.
-Have you been able to find a LGBT center where you live and if you can just call them?, email?
If your family is not as expected you can build a supportive environment around you. If you could only touch someone your own age with knowing they understand you.
-Can you change your school environment? For example the gayer neighborhoods of of Denver have more accepting schools. Charter schools.

You do not have to respond to the failures of your parents and repeat their bad.

[oldster]

OK what can i say i felt almost the same way you do at the same age and had the same thoughts but i am a prick and decided not to kill myself because i refuse to let them win. I am now glad i didn't i had a lover for 34 years and we enjoyed live together because every day we were doing something to enjoy our lives we have helped lots of people and known lots of people and i feel i have helped others and if i just helped one person to have a smother passage during their life then i have done as much as if not more than most people do in their lives. and besides why should you make things easier for them live your life for you after all its your life. I understand that you feel like that about your own self worth but you are using their mu sering stick not your own you can learn and play any game you want to in life but your being here is very important to some one you may not have even met yet but you will be the most important thing in their live and probably yours Tonto just for sex but for emotional love i know we were not supposed be able to have that but we can and you need to stick around to prove that the more of us that can lead lives together will help show the world that we are more that the haters would like the rest of the world believe we are. please read some good books about us and look up who we the different people some of the smartest and best human beings in the history of the world have been of different sexual orientations the father of the modern day computer was gay. So don't let their thinking control your life after all thats why they call it your life i know i seem to wander in my thoughts i have had some problems in my life like brain tumors but like i say i wouldn't change much if i could and who knows what is still to come they say that life is what you make of it and that seems very true to me so please stay and help us be better we really do need you.
i hope your Friend oldster

[Nick9]

You will be missed for sure! Just don't give up please. Everyday there is a chance you meet a guy that will make your heart beat faster.
Enjoy your time at GS and come whenever you feel down, but please don't give up. I had the same ideas several months ago and I am glad I didn't act to them.

[Rainbowmum]

Hey babe,

Suicide is never the answer , it is such a horrible double edge sword and it keeps on destroying long after it has taken the life of it's victim.
Please don't do anything to hurt yourself, I know it's hard right now , but things will get better.
You just have to survive and never give up.
Two years might seem like a lifetime , but it really is not, you have to find the strength to fight this.

I have probably asked this before , have you thought about getting help for your depression.
Do you remember me telling you about taking the power back?
Sweetie your tormentor has only the limited power that you allow them to have.

Take the power back sweetie , do not let anyone change you.
I know I sound like a broken record , but this is a vital skill you have to master, especially before going in to the big bad world.

Remember , people can only hurt you if you allow it.
You are such a sweet young man , I know I would be proud to call you my own.

Remember the best revenge is survival.

Wish I did not live on the other side of the world, but I do.
Always here for you sweetie.

Sending you a huge mum hug.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm going to be (very) mean and somewhat sarcastic.

Yes you are right, few people will miss you. However those that do will enjoy the period of morning, they will get to wear fancy black clothing and throw pity parties. Take time off from work/school and get a lot of attention focused on them. hopefully you are Irish, three days of song and drink - the Irish know how to wake.

And true, no transgendered every got anywhere in life. Well except the 127 listed here: http://www.ranker.com/list/list-of-famou...nd-lesbian And those are just the famous ones, I'm willing to bet that there is at least three others who have their own successful business, or are a doctor or a lawyer. Only three, my goodness, I can't imagine any more transgendered folk being really able to do much.

But they don't count, they aren't really transgendered - they are different, they are special, they didn't have to face the same obstacles you face. Right?

And true, the LGBT community is still bashed, the beatings never end, we have no rights and never will have rights. Aside from those minor legal and social changes over the past 50 years - but those don't count because.....?

I don't want to grow up and be an adult. Fine - Don't grow up and be an adult. Be immature, be childish, be irresponsible - no one will hold a gun to your head and make you an adult. You don't have to get a job, plenty of people out there don't work. Of course they don't have a roof over their head, but to be honest (since I was in the charity industry for so many years) many of them DO NOT want a home, DO NOT want a Job, and like - really, truly like the freedom of being on the street homeless.

You can do that - if you want. It's a free country. Be all you can be, or be nothing - freedom to do either.

Honestly you are being a selfish little child. Suicide it the ultimate in selfish acts.

I did it - sure they resuscitated me, but I did the deed, was dead for several minutes. It was a selfish, childish act that I am not proud of. It wasn't until I got out of hospital that I realized how many people it did affect. I thought I felt like crap when I was gulping down the pills and alcohol - Trust me I felt like a total shit bag waste of space after the dirty deed.

Every time you come here its to 'rant' at us and threaten us with 'I'm going to kill myself.'

You're cruel. Why do you enjoy hurting us so? What sick pleasure do you get from coming here and threatening us with suicide to make us worry and cause us to dig deep for comforting words and hope we say something that will make you live?

Do you know how hard it is to come up with something NICE to say about life? Do you understand how difficult it is to say 'well there is _________________ to look forward to'? Because usually we draw a blank when trying to fill in the blank because the reality is we don't know what you have to look forward to in your life.

I have three decades of life on you and to be perfectly honest - life sucks.

Life sucks - A LOT. Its full of pain and sorry, misery, grief - did I mention pain? There is major disappointments, and minor ones. If the crushing debt doesn't get you then the tax collectors will. If its not money its health issues, if its not health issues its high crime rates, if its not high crime rates is disgusting politicians stealing your rights (and money).

Few of us get a job we like - we go to the same cubical day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year for 40-50 years of slavery doing something where peeling our skin off with a dull butter knife sounds like more fun.

Life, in general, sucks.

But.

There are about a dozen fleeting moments in our lives that make it all worth the while. Be it that partner, that child, that moment of inspiration and hope. Whatever.

Mingled in the general crappiness of life there are tears of joy, there are smiles and giggles, there are moments where your heart soars.

I have no idea what your soaring joyful moments will be. My crystal ball broke and I can no longer see anyone's future, not even my own. But there are moments - we all get them, we all have them. And most of those 'happy moments' are only happy to us.

After all if I told you that yesterday while I was cleaning leaves out the pool I looked up at the giant oak tree that dropped all of these leaves and I noticed the wonderful contrast of the near black branches and twigs against the brilliant near white sky. There I was, standing with my head leaning way back staring at the branches and I started laughing. Why was I laughing - I don't know.

Sound like a happy moment to you or do I sound like I am daft, bonkers, not boosting on all thrusters, a few shy of a six pack, lost my marbles - crazy - insane??????

My heart was light and glad - yes the rest of the day I spent popping darvocet and moaning and groaning each time I moved because the past week I spent hanging drywall. But for all of that pain and misery there was a moment - an all too brief moment when I was truly happy.

It is those moments that make life worth living. They come, oh once a week, once a month - maybe only once a year.

[matty7]

i cant hope to be as eloquent as the guys above - the have been through the similar feelings of dispair that suicide can bring an end to , read their posts and i hope u see that suicide is not an answer - my neighbour killed himself 2 years ago and im sure he felt that nl one would miss him - how wrong could he have been - his family will never ever be the same,, i see them everyday and they are lost - just keep posting and chatting here for now...keeping contact will help u im sure , u know us well or u wouldnt have reached out

[HollandofFrance]

suicide is tragic and its bad to even think about it

get well

[Nick9]

suicide is tragic and its bad to even think about it

get well

"it's bad to even think about it"? I mean really? I am not sure if ZombieSlayer suffers depression, or is just playing with the idea, but if you do suffer depression there is no way you can control those thoughts. Simply no way. You think about it when the weather is nice, when you see your friends happy, when you are brushing your teeth, when you are talking to your family and they would never tell, because at the begining you learn how to hide it.

The "it's bad" is the last thing on your mind, because you simply can't stop it on your own.

Bowyn Aerrow, would you be willing to share your current feelings? I mean, people who survived an accident or were close to the death and were brought back, are often saying that it was a new begining for them. That they were sent back and it means they can do more, be better people, enjoy every moment etc. You know what I mean?
Do you feel that way?
Because I don't. I am glad I am here, but that's about it. I wonder if it is because it wasn't ment to be "an accident"?