Stress Dreams

[BeautifulBlue]

Just a suggestion because I don't really TRULY know your living arrangement...

But rather than spending all your free time and money "working" for your roommate and buying THEIR food, how about you quit being her "bitch" and spend your time working a "real job" then find a different roommate, one who is willing to carry their fair share of the load and move in with him/her?

Austin is a college town. There are probably hundreds of students your age looking for a roommate. And I know the economy is tough but if you were earning your money bagging groceries rather than buying groceries you would have some self respect and independence.

How does that sound?

It sounds like a reasonable plan, were I not diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder that is so severe I've been in emergency psychiatric care for various reasons three times in the past year. This isn't to say I haven't tried to do it before, though. Back when I first got to Austin I searched for a job for eight months before my issues really blew up. Situations that have happened here and in my personal past life have made me realize that working a regular job would be dangerous to not only myself, but potentially others. Due to abuse, I have a severe fight/flight inclination when I'm heavily stressed. When that happens, I get violent very easily.

As to the 'real job' thing, I get that a lot, so I'm not going to fault you on that. There's a lot of people who don't understand the entirety of my situation that I believe I could function in a normal job. Reality is, though, I'm still very much broken even though I've gone through two years of therapy to deal with abuse related to not only my upbringing, but from authority figures, my peers, etc. I'm not exaggerating when I said I had a pretty hellish childhood -- not as bad as it could of been, but it still wasn't pleasant. I don't take offense to the 'real job' thing because there's a fair number of people who believe I just sit at a computer and type out a bunch of words every day, which isn't true. I sell my work and make money off it. It's not a lot so far, but I'm basically selling just two books at this point, so... considering the income I bring in from just those two, I say I'm doing fairly well.

If you have any hobbies that are constructive - meaning you start with nothing and end up with something to show for the hard work - this may help you regain some of that sense of lost control.

I make my living off my writing. Though my income arrangement is only around $500 a month, that's helping me pay my bills and keeping me fed/happy/entertained, so that's something.