08-29-2012, 10:25 PM
Until age 24 I thought I was a natural celibate.
I didn't have sexual attraction to females. At the same time I do not recall having an attraction to guys either. Maybe there was and I didn't understand it? perhaps the idea was just so revolting, so terrifying that I quickly looked away and was able to expel the notion far from my conscious mind and got so good at hiding from myself I readily 'forgot' those lapses?
Its not that homosexuality was unknown to me. My brother came out when I was 12 (he was 16). However that resulting in my mother and her husband kicking him out - he ended up as a male prostitute in L.A. at age 16, turned to drugs, got the virus (during the time there were no treatments) and ultimately died as a young man of 32.
Along with that, while I was doing seminary and university studies I also worked with the San Francisco Franciscan Friars. I was dedicating my life to service to the church back then. The friary was only 2 blocks away from Castro Street, and I worked with the friars passing out condoms, literature and other stuff to aid those in need. We also spent a good deal of time on Polk Street, where teens (mostly male) would go to sell themselves in order to survive. Many just like my brother who were kicked out, or running away from abuse.
So I was surrounded by 'The Gay' but still never peaked my interest or even considered that I might be 'that way'.
That is until I was in Las Vegas working nights as a hotel front desk clerk (my 'secular' job, on top of my ministry duties/work) where one of my coworkers managed to turn my head.
Up until that point I never had an interest. Maybe I was just too far in the closet? Maybe the early impression I had with homosexuality (Age 12, my brother exploding from the closet, then being severely punished) lead to my scurrying as far back into the deep recesses of the closet?
I think your experiences with your father calling you a homosexual may have impacted you severely, causing you to mentally and emotionally hide deeper in the closet, not just from those around you, but also from yourself.
Now that you are older, away from dad's influence and getting a firmer footing in life as an adult, those words don't sting as much and you are now opening yourself up to the possibilities of who and what you are.
The human brain is a marvelous and baffling machine. The mind can do many odd things, shunning ideas and notions completely and fully in order to protect itself from potential pain. Maybe years ago you were protecting yourself from the potential pain that being gay would present - after all dad calling you a homosexual while you were dating girls is a hurtful, spiteful thing to do.
I suspect that dad told you in many ways that 'gay' was bad - very bad. No he may not have sat you down and said 'Son, being a homosexual is the very worst thing on earth' - but he most likely told homophobic jokes, made off comments about those you all thought were gay (or were known to be gay) and you just shut down any potential there.
If he was willing to tell others you were a homosexual where you showed no signs at age 15, I have to wonder what other programming he did to you at age 2, 3, 4 all the way through to age 15....
You may not have that one decisive traumatic 'anti-gay' experience to push you deep into the closet, you may actually have had many tiny shocks to the mind that pushed you further and further in.
I think you are getting past all of that programing now, maybe not easily, there may be a good deal of internal struggle as you try to balance out the programed 'horror' of being gay against the reality of your needs, wants and desires.
How long it takes depends on if you can really identify those moments of shame and pain and see them in the light that was abusing you (no he may not have thrown you against walls and punched your face, but he applied verbal and emotional abuse apparently liberally) .
If you can work through the guilt, pain, hurt, anguish, and reconcile to some degree that no matter what you do dad won't be proud you might come through this faster. Not easier, no, faster yes.
I didn't have sexual attraction to females. At the same time I do not recall having an attraction to guys either. Maybe there was and I didn't understand it? perhaps the idea was just so revolting, so terrifying that I quickly looked away and was able to expel the notion far from my conscious mind and got so good at hiding from myself I readily 'forgot' those lapses?
Its not that homosexuality was unknown to me. My brother came out when I was 12 (he was 16). However that resulting in my mother and her husband kicking him out - he ended up as a male prostitute in L.A. at age 16, turned to drugs, got the virus (during the time there were no treatments) and ultimately died as a young man of 32.
Along with that, while I was doing seminary and university studies I also worked with the San Francisco Franciscan Friars. I was dedicating my life to service to the church back then. The friary was only 2 blocks away from Castro Street, and I worked with the friars passing out condoms, literature and other stuff to aid those in need. We also spent a good deal of time on Polk Street, where teens (mostly male) would go to sell themselves in order to survive. Many just like my brother who were kicked out, or running away from abuse.
So I was surrounded by 'The Gay' but still never peaked my interest or even considered that I might be 'that way'.
That is until I was in Las Vegas working nights as a hotel front desk clerk (my 'secular' job, on top of my ministry duties/work) where one of my coworkers managed to turn my head.
Up until that point I never had an interest. Maybe I was just too far in the closet? Maybe the early impression I had with homosexuality (Age 12, my brother exploding from the closet, then being severely punished) lead to my scurrying as far back into the deep recesses of the closet?
I think your experiences with your father calling you a homosexual may have impacted you severely, causing you to mentally and emotionally hide deeper in the closet, not just from those around you, but also from yourself.
Now that you are older, away from dad's influence and getting a firmer footing in life as an adult, those words don't sting as much and you are now opening yourself up to the possibilities of who and what you are.
The human brain is a marvelous and baffling machine. The mind can do many odd things, shunning ideas and notions completely and fully in order to protect itself from potential pain. Maybe years ago you were protecting yourself from the potential pain that being gay would present - after all dad calling you a homosexual while you were dating girls is a hurtful, spiteful thing to do.
I suspect that dad told you in many ways that 'gay' was bad - very bad. No he may not have sat you down and said 'Son, being a homosexual is the very worst thing on earth' - but he most likely told homophobic jokes, made off comments about those you all thought were gay (or were known to be gay) and you just shut down any potential there.
If he was willing to tell others you were a homosexual where you showed no signs at age 15, I have to wonder what other programming he did to you at age 2, 3, 4 all the way through to age 15....
You may not have that one decisive traumatic 'anti-gay' experience to push you deep into the closet, you may actually have had many tiny shocks to the mind that pushed you further and further in.
I think you are getting past all of that programing now, maybe not easily, there may be a good deal of internal struggle as you try to balance out the programed 'horror' of being gay against the reality of your needs, wants and desires.
How long it takes depends on if you can really identify those moments of shame and pain and see them in the light that was abusing you (no he may not have thrown you against walls and punched your face, but he applied verbal and emotional abuse apparently liberally) .
If you can work through the guilt, pain, hurt, anguish, and reconcile to some degree that no matter what you do dad won't be proud you might come through this faster. Not easier, no, faster yes.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
