May I rant on your shoulder please?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I am so sorry David

If I had to guess about why you are so cut off from you emotions , I would say that right now you are numb,with the exception of revolt, that is.

It worries me that this has been going on for so long, and makes wonder how much longer this would have continued if you had not have discovered it.
What worries me more is that he lied in couples therapy as well.

14 years is a very long time to be together, you may not feel that you love him, but
when the dust settles, those feeling have a nasty way of popping their head back up.

I don't want you beating yourself up over this ,you did nothing to deserve this , no one deserves betrayal, do not allow negative thoughts in, and never play the "What If" game.

Eventually you will have to work through this and let forgiveness in for your sake not his.I know one thing you will really need to work hard on trusting someone again.

I guess my biggest concern is .Can you forgive him?
And if you do forgive him , will you be able to stop yourself from bringing it up during the heat of the moment argument?

Always here for you my friend.

One of the things that keeps going through my mind is "What has changed this past fortnight?".

Up until very recently I had little 'issues' with this relationship. I saw clear vision of us as an old couple. No it has not been a perfect relationship, as with other couples we have our points of angst and discontent. But is has been a relatively quiet and peaceful relationship.

As far as I can tell the only difference is now I know.

Forgiveness and forgetting are two different beasts. As you may know about 2 years into our relationship he 'relapsed' with speed and went to visit his ex, having marathon sex (and more). Of course right after the relapse he didn't tell me the 'truth'. That would come out about 5 years later.

So for 7 years (at least) I have managed to not throw that one up in his face every-time I feel a bit pissy.

The thought does cross my mind every time when I get angry. Also, every time there has been a problem with medication, doctors, or other HIV related 'stuff' I want to so badly scream 'We wouldn't be in this mess if you had kept your pants on!'

But that was a different situation. I viewed the whole sex part of as being part of his addiction to meth. His drug of choice speed, his tweak of choice sex. So I was able to 'forgive' to a degree because this was relapse not really 'cheating'.

This time is different, unless I am horribly mistaken and no longer can tell when someone is tweaking (on speed) then these 'episodes' are not drug related.

Hmmm. As I wrote that the brain suddenly started running old picture shows of when I thought his behavior was a little tweaky. Eyes a tad too bright, speech a little to fast. His 'insomnia' of the past three years.... Hmmmm.

Also he has lost a bit of weight too...

Actually I think he may be using again now that I think of it.

Or maybe I'm just seeing devils because I'm looking so hard for them.