09-23-2012, 12:07 PM
I had written a long post, then re-read your original post. Here is my shortened reply!
Well, Ive been there and done that, so here is some advice from first hand experience.
Splitting up with a long term partner is never easy, regardless whether same sex or otherwise. The important thing is to do whats right for everyone, but in as sensitive and caring a way as possible. I also cant emphasise the importance of carrying the kids with you on this journey. You can adjust the level of detail you tell them to fit with their ages (mine were 8 and 11 when I left)
The kids:
Rule 1. You NEED to talk to them, not about them. Keep it simple.
Rule 2. Don't promise something you cant keep. Kids have a way of remembering, and will hold you to account!
Rule 3. You need to agree with your wife how visits will work, and where (she may not want you in the house for example) It took me a while to go back into the house after I left - I was very wary of bringing up emotional trauma in my ex or me for that matter.
Visits are going to be an emotional roller coaster, there is no way around that. You also need to ensure you don't smother them with visits just because your feeling guilty about everything. Here is what I did, but everyone may have a different view:
Start off with one day out of a weekend, every two weeks. (Sorry I don't know if you've mentioned the kids ages before) Try and make it a planned day, so you know what your doing where your going etc. Don't go overboard with treats - believe me they WILL expect it every visit LoL. Be wary about going into the family home as this may send them and your ex some mixed emotional messages.
Then take it to once a month, but make an effort to get involved in important events for them (Birthdays, school plays, school open evenings etc)
After a few months take it to a full weekend every few months (but don't stay at the family home - use a hotel or friends place to the overnight)
Ive been separated 12 years now and with my current partner 7. I see my kids regularly (Bank of dad LoL) and I see my ex wife every few months or pick up the phone and just have a chat with her. We got divorced after I met my current partner - as we had discussed civil partnership (didn't happen, but the divorce was painless)
When your married with children, coming out as gay is the start of a journey that may take a few years to complete. There will be twists in the road, you might get lost, and have a few breakdowns on the way. But its worth the journey.
The important thing is, your in the driving seat and also get to decide the destination!
Good luck
Well, Ive been there and done that, so here is some advice from first hand experience.
Splitting up with a long term partner is never easy, regardless whether same sex or otherwise. The important thing is to do whats right for everyone, but in as sensitive and caring a way as possible. I also cant emphasise the importance of carrying the kids with you on this journey. You can adjust the level of detail you tell them to fit with their ages (mine were 8 and 11 when I left)
The kids:
Rule 1. You NEED to talk to them, not about them. Keep it simple.
Rule 2. Don't promise something you cant keep. Kids have a way of remembering, and will hold you to account!
Rule 3. You need to agree with your wife how visits will work, and where (she may not want you in the house for example) It took me a while to go back into the house after I left - I was very wary of bringing up emotional trauma in my ex or me for that matter.
Visits are going to be an emotional roller coaster, there is no way around that. You also need to ensure you don't smother them with visits just because your feeling guilty about everything. Here is what I did, but everyone may have a different view:
Start off with one day out of a weekend, every two weeks. (Sorry I don't know if you've mentioned the kids ages before) Try and make it a planned day, so you know what your doing where your going etc. Don't go overboard with treats - believe me they WILL expect it every visit LoL. Be wary about going into the family home as this may send them and your ex some mixed emotional messages.
Then take it to once a month, but make an effort to get involved in important events for them (Birthdays, school plays, school open evenings etc)
After a few months take it to a full weekend every few months (but don't stay at the family home - use a hotel or friends place to the overnight)
Ive been separated 12 years now and with my current partner 7. I see my kids regularly (Bank of dad LoL) and I see my ex wife every few months or pick up the phone and just have a chat with her. We got divorced after I met my current partner - as we had discussed civil partnership (didn't happen, but the divorce was painless)
When your married with children, coming out as gay is the start of a journey that may take a few years to complete. There will be twists in the road, you might get lost, and have a few breakdowns on the way. But its worth the journey.
The important thing is, your in the driving seat and also get to decide the destination!
Good luck
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