10-08-2012, 03:16 PM
Well, I'm torn on this one - not about the cheating, IF he cheated, and right now you're going by perceptions and feelings, but unless you catch him or find hard evidence (even tho he's cheated in the past), its more mistrust than proof. Again, i'm NOT minimizing what you're feeling, but, let's try to look at the facts as you've shared them with us:
1) He's 10 years your junior - sorry, but statistically, relationships with a 10+ year difference are very difficult to maintain - nevermind you're away from him for months at a time. Can they work, yes, but they require a lot more work to maintain. No matter how committed a couple is, it's 10 years, that's a generation's-worth of life experience and unless it's nurtured daily, the relatioship can wane. Oh, and i think you said you've been together for 7 years? (maybe 8?), well, we have what's called the "7-year itch" here in the States. Basically, this means that almost every LTR, gay or str8, that reaches the 7-8 year benchmark, experiences issues. 1/2 of the couple starts re-considering the LTR, and asking him/herself, "is this what my life is going to be like from now on?" and they consider doing things they woudn't normall do: ie: cheating.
2) He cheated in the past. Ok, i dont' want to sound cruel here, but you caught him cheating, he swore up and down he'd never do it again - and you belived him. Well, if there's one thing we know to be true almost 100% of the time, it's: A cheater is a cheater. Again, i'm not trying to be cruel here, but i'm betting his already justified what he's done (if he cheated again) and why he feels it's justified. I mean, i know you love him, but if he knew you expected 100% monogamy, and he cheated once, and now you think he's cheated again - well, clearly he dosn't share that feeling.
3) Ok, monogamy - time for a bucket of cold water here my friend. Monogamy is a wonderful and special committment. Remaining monogamous takes alot of work - by both parties. I did some research on divorces in the military, and i think your situation is similar to a military family. Divorces have skyrocketed in the US military over the last 7 years to a point where the armed forces have created special support services to try and help couples stay together. Now, factor in that you're in a GAY LTR, and it's not recognized by the state, you're away for 6-8 months at a time, you see him for a short stint, go on some vacations, and then it starts all over again. That's A LOT of stress and pressure on you both to deal with and work on to keep your LTR bonded tightly. Again, i'm not defending him at all, just trying to keep things in perspective.
4) He knew what he was getting into: Right? I mean, he knew your job, he knew you'd be away for long periods of time, right? But, he did cheat - and i'm sure he came up with all the standard excuses: it meant nothing, i was lonely, you're never here when i need you, i feel so alone, etc. No justification at all, but sometimes at the beginning of an LTR, cuoples will accept circumstances at the outset, that over time become to much to handle.
All that said, let me ask you this. Would you change your job so you could live at home full time? Is your LTR worth making a professional/finacnial sacrifice so you can stay together?
You really can't "work" on yoru LTR from Africa - over the phone or internet....so what areyour options? Break up because you BELIVE he cheated, or re-assess your LTR and make the call that you eaither change jobs and stay home, or end the LTR, because i'm betting its to the point now where he's become so disengaged with you and the LTR that he's just going thru the motions.
What are your thoughts on what i posted?
1) He's 10 years your junior - sorry, but statistically, relationships with a 10+ year difference are very difficult to maintain - nevermind you're away from him for months at a time. Can they work, yes, but they require a lot more work to maintain. No matter how committed a couple is, it's 10 years, that's a generation's-worth of life experience and unless it's nurtured daily, the relatioship can wane. Oh, and i think you said you've been together for 7 years? (maybe 8?), well, we have what's called the "7-year itch" here in the States. Basically, this means that almost every LTR, gay or str8, that reaches the 7-8 year benchmark, experiences issues. 1/2 of the couple starts re-considering the LTR, and asking him/herself, "is this what my life is going to be like from now on?" and they consider doing things they woudn't normall do: ie: cheating.
2) He cheated in the past. Ok, i dont' want to sound cruel here, but you caught him cheating, he swore up and down he'd never do it again - and you belived him. Well, if there's one thing we know to be true almost 100% of the time, it's: A cheater is a cheater. Again, i'm not trying to be cruel here, but i'm betting his already justified what he's done (if he cheated again) and why he feels it's justified. I mean, i know you love him, but if he knew you expected 100% monogamy, and he cheated once, and now you think he's cheated again - well, clearly he dosn't share that feeling.
3) Ok, monogamy - time for a bucket of cold water here my friend. Monogamy is a wonderful and special committment. Remaining monogamous takes alot of work - by both parties. I did some research on divorces in the military, and i think your situation is similar to a military family. Divorces have skyrocketed in the US military over the last 7 years to a point where the armed forces have created special support services to try and help couples stay together. Now, factor in that you're in a GAY LTR, and it's not recognized by the state, you're away for 6-8 months at a time, you see him for a short stint, go on some vacations, and then it starts all over again. That's A LOT of stress and pressure on you both to deal with and work on to keep your LTR bonded tightly. Again, i'm not defending him at all, just trying to keep things in perspective.
4) He knew what he was getting into: Right? I mean, he knew your job, he knew you'd be away for long periods of time, right? But, he did cheat - and i'm sure he came up with all the standard excuses: it meant nothing, i was lonely, you're never here when i need you, i feel so alone, etc. No justification at all, but sometimes at the beginning of an LTR, cuoples will accept circumstances at the outset, that over time become to much to handle.
All that said, let me ask you this. Would you change your job so you could live at home full time? Is your LTR worth making a professional/finacnial sacrifice so you can stay together?
You really can't "work" on yoru LTR from Africa - over the phone or internet....so what areyour options? Break up because you BELIVE he cheated, or re-assess your LTR and make the call that you eaither change jobs and stay home, or end the LTR, because i'm betting its to the point now where he's become so disengaged with you and the LTR that he's just going thru the motions.
What are your thoughts on what i posted?
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