pillars in my life keep betraying me

[hank]

Hank, what did God say to you when you heard Him/Her?
Surely it was a dimension you were missing in your life when you decided to do without it. It came back. But what were the words you heard?

it wasn't so much the words. what the circumstances.

I was not happy, I didn't even think I could be, for various reasons but among those was sexuality. I left work, miserable because I couldn't have a drink at work. It was a particularly hard week for me. And life never gets better it only gets worse in depression. I began to think that the only way to gain peace was to die. I flirted with the idea of suicide. This particular day I wasn't resolute in going through with it but the more you think about it the longer you think about it. I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to go home and drink myself into oblivion.. My heart was broken, not because people didn't love me, but because I didn't love me.

It was just too much, every thing I did I failed, I gave up on trying. And the nothingness was filling me. I did the last thing I knew to do, I scoffed at myself. If God existed he didn't give a damn about me. But I prayed any way, what did I have to lose. My prayer was just me asking God if he was there.

Hiswords top me were not profound, I said them to myself a thousand times. "you're going to be okay" that was it. But the darkness vanished the misery was gone not gradually but immediately. Like a light switch was flipped. at that very moment. It wasn't magical or supranational, it was absolutely natural. No mysterious light no angles just those words and the effect they had on me. I heard them I am not sure if they were audible. But it was clear they did not come from me. My own word even the same phrase never made me feel so at peace.