07-28-2014, 07:15 PM
You self deleted... So I hope you are lurking and might read this.
There are unclear and often very messy lines between what we think is going on and what is going on.
This emotional infidelity thing - This is a problem of two different perspectives looking at the situation from two very different positions.
You are looking at this friendship from the inside, you can't see what it looks like from the outside. Your BF is looking from the outside and can't see what is happening inside.
His perceptions and feelings on the matter are valid - based on the data he posses. So too are yours, but then you both possess different data.
The solution is for you two to talk this out and try to convey what it looks like from each POV. Without leaping to contusions, without trying to finish sentences, without allowing your emotions to run off and take the lead.
The next step is compromise. Compromise is not (as I practice) giving up everything to appease other. Compromise is about finding a middle ground where both parties get part of what it is they want.
Perhaps its time to offer that you will spend less time online with your buddy and more time with your partner. Perhaps your partner just needs to feel more inclusive in this friendship...
Since you both are isolated from the rest of the LGBT community, perhaps the real issue here is that your partner needs a friend of his own someone he can pal around with and talk about 'stuff' and all of that other than just you?
I have no idea how your relationship works, my last one (14 years) worked rather well as long as we allowed each other to pursue a life outside of the home. but then we had different tastes, I like to hunt, camp, fish, hike, he liked to shop and do other urban socializing stuff.
We had 'our friends' and he had his friends and I had my friends. Our friends were equally shared, 'my friends' were folk who shared common interests with the individual. That doesn't mean we kept our 'my' friends hidden, everyone knew each other and there were more than just a few social occasions when everyone existed in the same place.
So perhaps its time you two strike an agreement like that? He gets his own 'best buddy' to pal around with, talk to, share whatever interests he has with....
There are unclear and often very messy lines between what we think is going on and what is going on.
This emotional infidelity thing - This is a problem of two different perspectives looking at the situation from two very different positions.
You are looking at this friendship from the inside, you can't see what it looks like from the outside. Your BF is looking from the outside and can't see what is happening inside.
His perceptions and feelings on the matter are valid - based on the data he posses. So too are yours, but then you both possess different data.
The solution is for you two to talk this out and try to convey what it looks like from each POV. Without leaping to contusions, without trying to finish sentences, without allowing your emotions to run off and take the lead.
The next step is compromise. Compromise is not (as I practice) giving up everything to appease other. Compromise is about finding a middle ground where both parties get part of what it is they want.
Perhaps its time to offer that you will spend less time online with your buddy and more time with your partner. Perhaps your partner just needs to feel more inclusive in this friendship...
Since you both are isolated from the rest of the LGBT community, perhaps the real issue here is that your partner needs a friend of his own someone he can pal around with and talk about 'stuff' and all of that other than just you?
I have no idea how your relationship works, my last one (14 years) worked rather well as long as we allowed each other to pursue a life outside of the home. but then we had different tastes, I like to hunt, camp, fish, hike, he liked to shop and do other urban socializing stuff.
We had 'our friends' and he had his friends and I had my friends. Our friends were equally shared, 'my friends' were folk who shared common interests with the individual. That doesn't mean we kept our 'my' friends hidden, everyone knew each other and there were more than just a few social occasions when everyone existed in the same place.
So perhaps its time you two strike an agreement like that? He gets his own 'best buddy' to pal around with, talk to, share whatever interests he has with....
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