emotional and sexual abuse?

[ks7]

hi everyone
im currently in a relationship with my perfect match. we've been together almost a year now.
however, whilst trying to make friends with other gay men, I always end up in uncomfortable situations. and there is one guy in particular that has made me feel extremely guilty and paranoid.

it started a few months ago when i started talking to a guy who seemed nice, and straight away i always make it clear that i have a boyfriend and im only looking for friends. he asked if i wanted to meet up and have a friendly chat. so he picked me up in his car and an hour later in a car park, we were talking and he got his dick out. he started wanking and trying to make me wank with him. he grabbed my head and tried to make me kiss him and suck his dick and then he tried to get my dick out and suck me off but i pushed him away. he was my only way of getting home so i sat there trying to avoid sexual contact while he had a wank. when it was over he took me home.
I felt like it was all my fault what had happened. I havent told my boyfriend cause I dont want to upset him.
now just a few days ago, after talking to this same guy again i thought we were going for a walk along a busy footpath for a chat. once again he picked me up and we were driving when he decided to take us somewhere else. we ended up walking through a field and when we got into some trees he pulled his trousers down and kept asking me to fuck him. i refused so he walked into the trees and i waited in the open for a few minutes. he called me to come in cause he said it was "cool". he was waiting for me so i thought id go in and if he tried anything i could always leave. i found him and he got his dick out again and started wanking asking me to suck it and fuck him. he then said i should wank as well and that we would race to cum. I said no. I turned away from him and when he was done he got angry with me. We walked back to the car and he took me home.

I feel so disgusted with myself for putting myself in these situations. I'm also panicking that he will tell a mutual friend of my boyfriends what happened and that my boyfriend will believe him and not me. I can't bear the thought of him breaking up our relationship. I feel so guilty and I never wanted any of it to happen.
What should I do?

[AdamAndWill]

(Adam) After it happened the first time, why in hell would you go with him again? What were you thinking? And yeah, you should give a LOT of thought to why you put yourself in these situations. First time, maybe - but second time????

If there's a chance that your BF will find out, you have to tell him before anyone else does. Hearing it from someone else will be waaay worse.

And I'm not trying to be mean, but you need to think about why you're putting yourself into the role of a victim.

[ks7]

after the first time I stopped speaking to him. but I felt guilty and he would get irritable with me. eventually i started speaking to him again and we would just chat and I didnt think he would try again.
I think i felt pressured. I dont mean to be sounding like a victim, but im not very confident in these situations. If someone gets angry with me I have a hard time fighting back

thanks for your reply

[Virge]

Adam is dead on with what he said.

The only thing he didn't say was the only person who abused you was YOU.
I don't believe you've told the whole story but I'm not judging you for that,
just wondering why you didn't tell us everything.

[MikeW]

People need to learn about personal boundaries. Everyone has a right to set and maintain their own personal boundaries with other people.

This jerk in the car a) tried to seduce you and b) tried to physically make you do things you didn't want to do. He did this even though you had told him you have a boy friend and were only meeting him on a friendly basis, not to mention you had to physically resist his advances.

You should not feel guilty (ever!) for having to maintain your personal boundaries! He obviously manipulated you (used your guilt against you) into a second get-together where he proceeded once again to manipulate and abuse you. THIS IS NOT A GOOD PERSON. He is a lying manipulative predator! Rather than feeling 'guilty' for having to protect yourself, you had every right to feel angry, manipulated and refuse to have any further contact with this man.

Yes, you *have* to tell your BF that this happened. Your biggest mistake was letting it happen a second time. No one knows how he is going to handle this information but you have to tell him.

Beyond that, you need to learn about personal boundaries, what they are and how to maintain them. Unless you are under arrest by an authority, NO ONE has the right to touch you without your permission. No one has the right to keep you in a car without your consent. You have every right to go to the authorities and file a complaint, possibly even press charges for sexual assault. Be clear in your mind, what this man did to you he has probably done to others and will do it again and possibly worse. He has no respect for you whatever. Obviously you should cut off all contact with him. If he persists in contacting you, tell him you will go to the authorities. You must be very clear with him. Despite how he 'seemed' he is NOT a 'nice person'. Period.

[MikeW]

Adam is dead on with what he said.

The only thing he didn't say was the only person who abused you was YOU.
I don't believe you've told the whole story but I'm not judging you for that,
just wondering why you didn't tell us everything.

I agree, memechose, that there is probably more to this story but to say "the only person who abused you was YOU," is not accurate. I think I understand where you are coming from. A person should take responsibility for their actions and behaviors. However, when someone is essentially holding you prisoner against your will and making unwanted sexual advances, this is an assaultive situation.

[MikeW]

after the first time I stopped speaking to him. but I felt guilty and he would get irritable with me. eventually i started speaking to him again and we would just chat and I didnt think he would try again.
I think i felt pressured. I dont mean to be sounding like a victim, but im not very confident in these situations. If someone gets angry with me I have a hard time fighting back

thanks for your reply

This is what I mean. You need to understand that you have every right to fight back, stand up for yourself, and if need be involve the authorities in such matters. Again, you should have *nothing* more to do with this man. Ever! I don't care what he says to you. He shouldn't be saying anything and you sure as hell shouldn't be listening to a word he says. He has proved himself to be a lying, manipulative SOB and, worse, a sexual predator bordering on rapist.

[meridannight]

first of all, it is not your fault. so don't blame yourself for this.

i'm sorry this happened to you. you should stop having any kind of contact with him. it's obvious this guy doesn't care one bit about what you want and thought he could get you to have sex with him no matter what. he probably thought you were just playing hard to get with him, or it doesn't matter what his logic was. guys like that can be dangerous, keeping meeting OR talking to him will make him think that you want him even if you don't admit it, and next time it can be much worse than him simply suggesting things to do. you keep showing up he will think you like what has happened so far. rape is not a progression far removed from there.

he could make up some stories but that is not a reason to keep seeing him. it will make you live in fear and, moreover, keeping meeting with him will only dig you in further as far as third persons are concerned. cut it off now and get out. you should also tell your boyfriend about this. better he hears it from you than some stranger. so be honest with him.

[AdamAndWill]

after the first time I stopped speaking to him. but I felt guilty and he would get irritable with me. eventually i started speaking to him again and we would just chat and I didnt think he would try again.
I think i felt pressured. I dont mean to be sounding like a victim, but im not very confident in these situations. If someone gets angry with me I have a hard time fighting back

thanks for your reply

Please understand that we aren't trying to make you feel worse about this than you already do. For me, at least, it's pretty damn frustrating to see someone being bullied - and yes, among other things, he's a bully. I know it's easy for us to tell you to stand up for yourself - but you've put yourself in serious physical danger twice now. Don't ever underestimate what people like him are capable of.

I hope the talk with your BF goes well, and please - in the future, keep yourself safe. Pleasing others at your own expense will bring you nothing but unhappiness.

[ks7]

Thank you everyone for your advice, it means a lot to me that you care.

I'm not sure what you mean by there being more to this story. I tried to summarise to keep the post short but the whole story is there.
Perhaps I should have been stronger in saying no to his initial advances by text. Or the more sensible thing would to have just avoided him all together.

I won't be speaking to him anymore and will tell my boyfriend the next time I see him.
However this plays out, at least it is a lesson learnt and I won't be making the same mistakes again.
Thank you all for understanding.