11-11-2008, 11:03 AM
I think I'll start at the end and work backwards again.
You seem very upset to discover that the right guy could actually make you happy! But you are right it is, in a sense, a can of worms. Correct me if I am wrong but I'm guessing that, although you have known for a long time you are gay (you fancy other guys), whilst you thought none of them could actually make you happy you could pretty much ignore it and all the issues/problems it raises. After all why go through all the heartache when there doesn't appear to be anything to gain from it? (I speak from experience here.) Now that you know the right guy could make you happy you have to try and deal with some of those issues, and it ain't easy.
These issues, I think, essentially revolve around how you feel about yourself as a gay man and how others feel about you as a gay man.
To be blunt how do you expect anyone (let alone family) to accept you for who you are if you don't accept yourself? I know that unlearning all those negative thoughts and feelings you have been taught is tough, but you need to accept that there is nothing wrong with being gay and that gay relationships can be just as committed, long-term and meaningful as the idealised heterosexual marriage. (And on the other hand heterosexual relationships can be just as short-term, casual, sex based as stereotypical gay relationships plus they produce unwanted children).
If you genuinely feel that learning about your sexuality would hurt your parents that much, then OK keeping quiet is the right thing to do but that doesn't mean sacrificing your entire life. Why not move away to somewhere you can lead your life as you want, like BiPenny. (I was sort of in that position for a while, it really does have its advantages.)
I'm sorry if this sounds a bit insensitive but sometimes we are responsible for our own happiness. Life is quite capable of passing us by if we don't get involved in it. Yes, meeting another guy that you feel the same for and might feel the same way about you is difficult, however your chances are much better if you are meeting other gay guys regularlyish on a social basis, and even if you did meet him by chance as things stand now would you really be able to do anything about it and start a relationship before he moves on?
I know what I am suggesting is difficult, and easiest avoided. (I avoided dealing with these issues myself till I was 25.) But in the end I don't know any other solution.
Good Luck
babyboy Wrote:I think Fred you may have hit the nail on the head when you talked about life changing experience because it seems like this one guy has opened up the tin of worms and its made me think more and more about certain things!
You seem very upset to discover that the right guy could actually make you happy! But you are right it is, in a sense, a can of worms. Correct me if I am wrong but I'm guessing that, although you have known for a long time you are gay (you fancy other guys), whilst you thought none of them could actually make you happy you could pretty much ignore it and all the issues/problems it raises. After all why go through all the heartache when there doesn't appear to be anything to gain from it? (I speak from experience here.) Now that you know the right guy could make you happy you have to try and deal with some of those issues, and it ain't easy.
These issues, I think, essentially revolve around how you feel about yourself as a gay man and how others feel about you as a gay man.
babyboy Wrote:Even if my friends or family came round to it, i would always feel like the shame and even the dirty one for being who I am...stupid i know.
To be blunt how do you expect anyone (let alone family) to accept you for who you are if you don't accept yourself? I know that unlearning all those negative thoughts and feelings you have been taught is tough, but you need to accept that there is nothing wrong with being gay and that gay relationships can be just as committed, long-term and meaningful as the idealised heterosexual marriage. (And on the other hand heterosexual relationships can be just as short-term, casual, sex based as stereotypical gay relationships plus they produce unwanted children).
babyboy Wrote:Theyve done alot for me, surely i can do this for them and just keep quite.
If you genuinely feel that learning about your sexuality would hurt your parents that much, then OK keeping quiet is the right thing to do but that doesn't mean sacrificing your entire life. Why not move away to somewhere you can lead your life as you want, like BiPenny. (I was sort of in that position for a while, it really does have its advantages.)
babyboy Wrote:i feel like ive had shitty life im always down and feel like nothing goes right for me which is why when this guy came in the picture it just made me feel different - it made me feel like i could maybe have happiness for once in my life but its not going to happen i dont think. its taken me this long in my life to like someone, i cant imgaine liking anyone else or if i did it wont be for a while.
I'm sorry if this sounds a bit insensitive but sometimes we are responsible for our own happiness. Life is quite capable of passing us by if we don't get involved in it. Yes, meeting another guy that you feel the same for and might feel the same way about you is difficult, however your chances are much better if you are meeting other gay guys regularlyish on a social basis, and even if you did meet him by chance as things stand now would you really be able to do anything about it and start a relationship before he moves on?
I know what I am suggesting is difficult, and easiest avoided. (I avoided dealing with these issues myself till I was 25.) But in the end I don't know any other solution.
Good Luck
Fred
Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
