Lost...isolated...and afraid

[dwightc]

Feels like nightmare with no end. A nightmare where each monster is a negative aspect of myself. Morphed into some hideous creature. My sexuality causes too much anxiety. If I think about it too much I sometimes go into denial, sometimes I'll hit myself repeated until my mind is blank, or I'll just sit there and sink into a pool of despair. I want to accept it, but the monsters forced around me think otherwise. Even one threaten to punch me in the chest until I decide to be a man. :'( Worthy of being gay: I always thought that being so ugly meant you couldn't even be gay. I always believed being ugly is not welcome in the gay community.
Social skills; everyday I shut everyone out. sometimes, the only little ray of sun shine that peaks at me is when I'm all alone. Writing these stories about the darker half and I. The Darker Half would constantly tear me down with hurtful words, and would summon monsters to kill me, and I'm always fighting back all RPG style, but can't ever seem to defeat the darkness. What's the point in fighting a battle you can't win?
I have a strong feeling no one out there thinks I'm not ugly. Yesterday I went out for a walk and it feels like everyone's staring at my ugliness. Talking about it and avoiding me as much as possible. Anytime I try to talk to someone I feel the resistant.
I've never said anything positive about myself because there's nothing positive to say. I've tried to look back and remember something positive; nothing comes to mind. I mean, writing a bunch of lengthy stories is positive? Okay.