Lost...isolated...and afraid

[dwightc]

OK, well, w/e. It is YOUR life after all. Shame to waste it. LOL... like you think you'll get another one?

Not likely.

The way I figure it is like this:

As crazy as it seems, there is a sort of REASON we are born into our lives. IDK how it works exactly. I don't like the idea of "fate" or "karma" or even "soul" for that matter. I don't believe that's it.

I think it is something far weirder. Something more along the lines of quantum entanglement. Basically it boils down to this: We're born into the universe and 'recreate' the universe through our perceptions of it. The universe we experience exists to us as long as we do. When we're gone, 'it' is gone. But of course, not exactly. It goes on in the lives of all the other 'idiots' that exist (wherever, whenever they may be in the whole big fucking universe). The universe they experience is both the same and not the same as the one we do. So it goes on but we know nothing about that. To us it is no more because WE are no more.

And then it happens. We're re-born and the universe exists. Why? Because ONCE it has had the existential audacity TO exist, it cannot NOT exist. Every moment is, in a sense, eternal.

And as weird as that is, that isn't all there is to it because its existence isn't limited by time and space. IOW, there are an infinite number of parallel universes with "ME" in them... precisely because THAT universe can not exist without ME in it to give it its absoluteness of BEING EXPERIENCED. Without that 'experiencing', for all intents and purposes, it does't exist at all.

BUT because it DOES exist it can not ever NOT exist.

I don't know if you follow that.

So... lets say I stick a gun in my mouth and blow my brains out. My best friend did that a few years ago, BTW. Really pissed me the fuck off... but that's another story.

The way I look at it is, If I DO that, then, well, nothing really happens. Yeah that "me" and that "universe" I was aware of is gone. BUT... because there are infinite parallel universes, I STILL exist.... and... all the things that make me, ME... which has to include all the pain and angst <<< (be sure to look up if you aren't familiar with the concept)... pain and angst that I identify with as being MY OWN. My own personal hell on Earth.

Bottom line, as an exit strategy, Suicide does NOT work. I pull the trigger but as soon as I do the whole thing is set to GO again. That little sperm gets shot out of my daddies pecker, fertilizes my mother's egg... and the whole damn phylogeny recapitulating phylogeny starts all over again. Remember, because it has existed, it cannot not exist.



So... what that means is, you HAVE to change it at some point. NOT doing so isn't even an option. You have to. Why? BECAUSE that IS the only way "out". CHANGING YOUR REALITY really is the only way to change your reality. You can't just turn it off like a light switch or a TV show. It's always "ON". It isn't even up to some nonexistent god-like being to change our reality. It's all up to YOU and I. US.

So. W/e. You come, you go. Someone else takes your place. IT goes on. IT GOES ON... as the Beatles once said: Within you and Without you:

(PUT YOUR EAR BUDS IN OR YOUR HEAD PHONES ON AND TURN IT UP, WAY UP! YOU AREN'T GOING TO WANT TO MISS THIS!)

you're words are so descriptive and real and hits me in a place that puts me in utter silence! You want me to look into the mirror and repeat: "I'm Gay and Proud!" Over again until I faint from crying? I'll try it.
I didn't know that if you killed your self, you'd be reborn through some other couple...
sounds like a cult story, good for my next. (Another reason to keep living)
What's even stranger is what I refer to as "The darker half" in my posts, is what gave me life. Not my mom and dad. My mom and dad gave the Darker half life, and that darker half took the one good part of its soul and placed into another human form on the other side of the mirror it looks into: Me.