Lost...isolated...and afraid

[kindy64]

I guess its safe to say, I want to be alone. I can't connect with people in this world. Things were better when I was quiet, but now that I've spoken out, it feels like a constant pain all over. Like have something worse to worry about. There was the reason I was so hesitate about saying anything here. I new it wasn't right for me to do it, knowing I wasn't going to take the advice. I know, stubborn I am. Everyone is so confident and comfortable who they are. I'll never feel that way. I must wait for the worst to happen before any "change" may happen.

I am sorry for wasting your, and everyone else's time, you all gave so much good advice and I refused to take it. Shameful for I to do so, but I have thing of doing that.

HA, I'm not at all confident with who I am. I'm always second guessing what I'm doing in my relationship, at work, life in general. I look at my body and say, god I need to lose weight. I see the hint of my fathers face in the mirror, which annoys the shit out of me. I no longer see the hideous young man that used to stare back at me, which is a good thing. But then I look at old photos of myself, and I finally think, I wish I would have had this amount of self-confidence.

My inner critic (look it up) runs rampant most of the time, but I'm getting better at ignoring it. Using it to spur change in myself, rather than getting depressed at the thoughts in my head telling me I'm no good.

Am I comfortable with who I am, no, I'm more cynically resigned to who I am. I can change if I really make the effort to. 20 years living with diabetes has at least let me control my weight to some extent.

And yet, despite all my negativity about myself, I have a gorgeous boyfriend who wants to make a life with me. I feel more like who I want to be, an alt/indie music, RPG, video game, car loving guy who can't get enough science fiction to save his life.

You aren't as alone as you think. You are connecting with people here.

Life isn't a destination, it's a journey. Plans change along the way.