Lost...isolated...and afraid

[dwightc]

HA, I'm not at all confident with who I am. I'm always second guessing what I'm doing in my relationship, at work, life in general. I look at my body and say, god I need to lose weight. I see the hint of my fathers face in the mirror, which annoys the shit out of me. I no longer see the hideous young man that used to stare back at me, which is a good thing. But then I look at old photos of myself, and I finally think, I wish I would have had this amount of self-confidence.

My inner critic runs rampant most of the time, but I'm getting better at ignoring it. Using it to spur change in myself, rather than getting depressed at the thoughts in my head telling me I'm no good.

Am I comfortable with who I am, no, I'm more cynically resigned to who I am. I can change if I really make the effort to. 20 years living with diabetes has at least let me control my weight to some extent.

And yet, despite all my negativity about myself, I have a gorgeous boyfriend who wants to make a life with me. I feel more like who I want to be, an alt/indie music, RPG, video game, car loving guy who can't get enough science fiction to save his life.

You aren't as alone as you think. You are connecting with people here.

Life isn't a destination, it's a journey. Plans change along the way.

I-I want to believe that, I do believe that, but the situation and environment I'm in just won't allow me to show it. How ever long I stay in this place, nothing's gonna change, but its not like I can just hip hop and leave. That'll only make things worse. But when I do leave, I'll know that I'll be free, free from the pain.
I live on a scale with this darker half. Constantly balancing its hate. I mean, I screamed at a little girl to get out of my way for no reason! Is that horrible or what?!