Need advice and help

[Knighton]

Yep similar situation here too.

In my 40s, have always been attracted to women and still am - I don't find men attractive and certainly not in any kind of "I'm secretly in denial" way.

I'm happily in a relationship with a woman which is absolutely sexually fulfilling but for about 20 years a small part in the back of my mind has wanted to try sex with another man however it has to be specific. I have to be the bottom and for some reason I have to be on all 4s or laying down with him on my back, assuming neither make it too painful although I'd possibly sit on top. Also needs to be "just" sex - no romantic, sensual or rough stuff.

I tried anal stimulation with a previous partner and that was good but I could tell it didn't satisfy 'that' part of my urge, it clearly needs to be with a man but again I'm not attracted to any which makes it all the more odd but I'm not interested in working that out - it just feels like something I want to try out once.

I do get off on some gay porn but again that needs to be specific also: it has to be amateur or homemade with 'normal' guys, one-on-one only (no orgies or threesomes) and I get massively turned on if it's a video of a straight being a bottom for the first time as well.....guess there's a subliminal message there....