I need advice

[IanSaysHi]

You're not crazy. And the guilt thing is natural from the way you've trained yourself to think you shouldn't like this, yet you do. You need to find an understanding guy and they are out there - one who understands what you want and what you don't want so you don't end up feeling more uncomfortable. I'd use your hookup app or site and be clear on your profile what you are looking for and to only contact you if they understand. That way guys should contact you if they can provide what you're after. Explain you are nervous and so they will need to be patient. Just take things at a pace you're comfortable with but I think you realise that you want to finally satisfy this urge to finally know what it's like. Best of luck.