Back...in the swing

[deephiance]

Well in my case I wound up with a therapist. I might consider going back at some point. Right now I guess I need to rule out any other medical issues...

My problem here recently might be a developing caffeine sensitivity but also anxiety with occasional depression. Usually does start ramping up this time of year... I don't know that it is Seasonal Affect Disorder per say, I think it is just not having much to do with my free time when I am off and maybe ought to take a vitamin D supplement.

Anxiety... Well in 2014 I had a nasty panic attack, also the first one I ever had, thought I was dying, went to the ER.. Checked my heart and all that stuff, nothing wrong. So they slapped with a Generalized Anxiety Disorder (aka. we don't know why you're freaking out dude). Tried a few medications, either had no effect or caused me to vomit and puke... Lorazapam, which is a benzodiapene did work but they didn't want me to stay on it and I understand why. It was fast acting and did actually relax me with a very small dose. like 0.5 mg or something. Then they tried Zoloft, which turned me into, lets just say a Vulcan, if you watch star trek. It just killed my motivation and wasn't really happy or sad.

Not sure if there's something that can help mute the negative emotions and anxiety but still so I can actually feel that I enjoy things. Also would be nice to still have a sex life (although I guess might as well not worry about that as I will probably be single for some time)... Anyway, after I became pretty much dead against medication, started talking to a therapist and that seemed to help after some time. I stopped seeing her because of my job, yeah the old job I had basically prevented me from seeing a therapist. So That was pretty much it.

Anyway, now my underarms sweat a lot, doesn't matter if it is hot or cold in the room, sweat anyway. But... I don't sweat when I'm asleep, and the sweating usually stops after I get out of work... So I think either it is a caffeine issue or I am somehow more stressed than I think...and right now I wouldn't really classify my job being all that stressful right now, but maybe I am conditioned to it and don't realize it? I don't know. I also have a hard time trying to avoid coffee long enough to see whether that is the issue... You'd think being able to quit smoking for over 2 years, coffee wouldn't be a big deal lol

Anyway, that my quick short story... I didn't feel the need to go in about my depression or anything... I think I have made a thread about all that as well so no need to hijack your thread with all my baggage lol

This is what I learned...I also suffered from anxiety pretty badly which exacerbated my insomnia, here is a break down of what went wrong.

1) Was have a full time job, often worked 60+ hours a week.
2) I was studying Horticulture as I didn't finish my studies in my youth and that took 2-3 hours of my day.
3) I was trying to establish my hobby of fishing rod crafting, repairs and refurbishments and that was consuming 40 hours a week in a quiet week.
4) I am our family's historian, something I have been doing for 35 years, so I was spending and hour or 2 a day researching family, locations and historically significant events that involved my family, or occurred around my family.
5) I had quit smoking cold turkey after 33 years of smoking 30 cigs a day.
6) I was drinking 10-15 cups of coffee a day.

As a result of all this, I was sleeping less than 2 hours a day. The catalyst to my downfall was I was at the end of a 17 hour shift at work (Midnight to 5pm), when I was threatened by a group of males with various weapons including a baseball bat.

I literally shut down and could not function, I couldn't recognise things that you instinctively recognise...like looking at your watch and without a thought recognising the time....I couldn't do that, my watch confused me.

Added to the fact that I was old school when it came to depression...toughen the fuck up is the Aussie way, which is not always a good thing.

I could probably add another 10 things to this list, but most of those are private matters and still a progress in work.

2 things I learned :-
1) Who my friends where
2) When you walk into a room ask yourself 'Do I like these people' rather than wonder 'Do these people like me'...If you don't like people in your life but you are clinging on to them for what ever reason, you are doing yourself a massive disservice....family and friends alike, if you don't like them, fuck them off.