One Sided Relationship?

[InbetweenDreams]

Uh, there's reading, and then there's comprehension, and lastly, retention. Looking, and not seeing. Listening, and not hearing.
I'm waxing poetic because I'm in a pissy mood with a long day of multiple clients spinning wheels in overt pots of pity (sorry).

I understand.

All morning "active" on IG but ignoring your msg should not be interpreted one way or the other if you cannot simply ask him.
If you are afraid you will find out for sure what you'd prefer not to really know, in hopes of holding on, that behavior may not be any worse than his.

Those are both good points. Frankly, I should be less concerned as to whether he has time to scroll through instagram or reply to my messages. A lot of the time we're both at work and well, probably should be working. But of course this isn't something I only notice during the work week either, so yeah again I think you're right.

How's the sex? As adults we don't have to play head games when it comes to intimacy, unless there's need for serious growth.

We have had fun together in that area but I also seem to have had some issues. I was going to top him but had trouble keeping it hard between getting a condom on and all that and wasn't able to penetrate. So, I'm looking to remedy that and probably is something I need to deal with whether I'm sleeping with him or someone else. I feel like it is just the distraction and frustration which ends up killing the mood for me. Otherwise we have had a good time I think.

You seem as though you make excuses, from self personality assessment to rationalizing away your trust and intuition. As an INFJ you have better judgement and intuition and only lack a bit of candor. Of course, the candor takes spending some time together.

I do. I try to rationalize everything. Same with trying to rationalize and make excuses for him when explaining to my friends why he can't drive up to see me. Frankly, that does bother me. Not his inability to drive up but because he divulged to me before that he was dating a guy in Alabama (about the same distance) and drove out to see him in his friend's car and indicated that he would do the same. I don't want to get him in trouble with his friend who has been so gracious to him letting him use their car, I just want to know what changed?

Long distance relationships SUCK. He may be worth the effort, but not from what I'm reading in your posts. Sorry if I'm being harsh but I can relate from my own personal past so just being open. Not liking to talk on the phone because I spend so much time talking with work is most likely a perfect excuse to hold someone you don't truly care about at bay. If you mutually agree to string each other along it's no body else's business, pain, or gain. Now I just want to get it on and go to sleep. LOL  Night M.

Long distance is a challenge and if both people aren't putting in effort it becomes a problem quickly.

I don't know if he's worth the effort or not to be honest. He has told me a couple times that the only person he would talk on the phone with (for long durations) was his grandmother who passed away. So enter FaceTime. That has seemed to work so far. I do think it is better than a phone call since you can see the person and all but I don't know if he'll keep it up. I mean if he does then I can feel that he's putting in some effort. But him skipping our first call because he had a bad day at work seems kind of weak. I mean I have bad days at work but I never let down someone I care about because of that. So, he may not truly care about me or how I feel and it's something that needs to be addressed directly.

From what he says it should seem like he does. I know he's talked about me to his friends who seem to be very happy we're seeing each other and I only know that because I had a little chat with one of his friends a couple weeks ago while we were out. He's also told me that he's told his grandfather, who as I understand it, isn't really big on the drag queen and gay stuff, that he's we're seeing each other.

So I don't know exactly what I am dealing with here. Am I just being dramatic, is he just not opening up? Is it just his personality? I mean when I go back through things, I feel like I might be on the dramatic side lol. There are certainly times where we're able to text back and forth and have a normal conversation and there's times when I don't hear from him for a while. One thing I did notice is that he does put his phone away when we're out to dinner or doing something, he might whip it out and check something or look at his Apple watch but he's not getting on his phone texting people so it is reasonable to assume he does the same when he's out with his friends. A lot of people I have dated and know are on their phones all the time, so maybe I'm making a big deal out of something that isn't really an issue?

I do think since I am doing all the driving that we might have to strike an agreement, I may drive a Prius but it still costs money to drive and maintain and gas is over $4/gallon again. I don't think it is unreasonable for him to pitch in for gas just as we should split the bill when we go to dinner and such. It should be pretty close to being equal. I'm not trying to keep score on who does what but I would have a hard time believing that he's put more time and effort into this than I have. I do feel now that me buying gifts, for his birthday or otherwise, was unnecessary. It's nice, it was thoughtful but shouldn't make a difference, especially being this early on. So, maybe I've learned a lesson there?

I would try to get him on FaceTime tonight but I am going to be busy with going to the dam for a run, then got to pack my bags and do ham radio stuff. So it seems I need to talk it out with him and hopefully I can get the nerve to be more upfront, I mean I need to. This is why I end up feeling like this it seems. Why I am "afraid" is a good question. Why does it matter if it doesn't go well? I should be able to accept things for what it is and deal with this stuff and know that there's other people out there who are capable of loving me back, that is if this just a case of unrequited love. I do want to give him the benefit of the doubt and be sure though because I have severely miscalculated things in the past like with SilverBullet and in the end everyone hurts when that happens.

I do feel a bit better today about things overall, I just need to accept whatever happens and not allow it to make me feel that be it a success or failure is all that I am worth.

I have to get better at setting boundaries too. I do feel that I am rounding the corner on that but it is something I need to definitely deal with. Not just about opening up but what I am willing to tolerate and be ok with. This worry about keeping people happy so they're not upset with me, or putting others before me never ever pays off. Doesn't matter if it is for work or not. Frankly, having set boundaries at work has allowed me to make more money and have a choice on working events and the arrangement on the AV stuff is better for everyone in my opinion. I just need to apply that to relationships with people [better].