What is Most Important To You in a Relationship?

[InbetweenDreams]

Just as the title of the thread says, what is the most important thing to you in a relationship. I know some people will say stuff like trust and so on, I think some of those are a given, not that they aren't important. I do think trust is a requirement in a relationship. By extension I'd say security or dependability are a big deal to me. I know that theory that it takes 5 years to truly know someone, but it does seem to me that guys run off after a couple years and I'm guilty of that myself. However, often it seems that as soon as something isn't all sunshine and rainbows they want out.

It's not so much that I'm perplexed by it, I get it, you date someone, they're not who you thought they were or maybe they changed or whatever it is, but being able to trust, depend and have security in a relationship is something I really feel I need.

Anyway, what's your guys' story?

[Bhp91126]

When hubby and I met on Mykonos we had instant sexual chemistry. We were both on vacation, made each other laugh, spent 3 days and nights together, had long conversations and then we went our separate ways. Back home we both wanted to continue and so we had a LTR for 6 years between Cologne, Germany and Amsterdam, NL.

From the beginning we wanted to keep things easy, neither thought this would last. There were 2 many things to separate us. (Language barrier, American vs. Germany, jewish vs. German, we met on vacation etc.) It really helped that we wanted the same things and were both established professionally. Neither of us was interested in monogamy, moving in was not important, we both have large, loving families, liked going on vacation together and are really peace-loving. From the beginning we were very good at resolving conflicts and had only 1 big fight.

His job required him to move to Silicon Valley and I decided to take the jump and come along. Visas, work permit, green card etc. were all pretty difficult for me, but I always felt that we were in this together. I was scared of moving in together, but it all went amazingly well, we both do what is necessary and so far there has not been any dispute about house work. Now we’re married, no kids, pets or plants and both retired and just enjoy being together. We still make each other laugh.

[marshlander]

It may seem like a small matter, but from the beginning P.A has made it clear he doesn't own me. This acknowledgement was in such contrast to my experience of marriage where I felt the opposite was the case especially when I'd come home from work and would have to account for every fifteen minute period of every day.

P.A. and I have been together now for seventeen years although this year is the longest we have been apart thanks to the virus situation on our relative countries. I guess we may be doing something that works ...

[eastofeden]

I need to know the man I am with is willing to be honest with himself and look at who he is with self acceptance and love because how he treats himself will be how he treats the relationship and treats me. I also need someone to be open to new information and new ideas.

I also ask and expect the same of myself and don't ask for something I am not willing to give

[InbetweenDreams]

I need to know the man I am with is willing to be honest with himself and look at who he is with self acceptance and love because how he treats himself will be how he treats the relationship and treats me. I also need someone to be open to new information and new ideas.

Call me dumb and all but can you take a deep dive on that...because I am curious that's all. Self acceptance is something I think some people might struggle with, some people might get the wrong idea of what that means perhaps, some people (like myself) have that "imposter syndrome" or just feel unworthy perhaps and other people get a really big head. Then again I'm probably off target on all that, been a somewhat traumatic morning and my anxiety is cranking. Probably shouldn't be drinking coffee either but I need my fix.

I also ask and expect the same of myself and don't ask for something I am not willing to give

I guess the real thing is that I don't have a damn clue as to how things should work in a relationship given that 2 years is about as long as I can keep a guy. It does seem that guys and perhaps myself expect too much from their partner, that they're better than they are. Like I have bad insecurities about myself, mostly physical stuff. Like, I know people even on here are saying that I'm handsome and all that and I appreciate it but I feel like if people met me in person that they're going to think Jesus Christ this guy is a fucking porker! and perhaps they might, I mean I'm not delusional about my appearance and I get that some people will find me attractive and some won't and I don't consider myself to be that great looking and I definitely don't have the body type that will end up on a poster. So when a guy who I think is undeniably handsome, like virtual no one will say "eww" if they see them I realize that they're better looking than me and perhaps I should feel lucky that they're giving me the time of day because I've got a lot of flaws and perhaps "showing my hand" isn't the smartest thing to do.

All the times I should have kept my mouth shut... I feel like I run off more guys by telling the truth, so either it is that bad or I'm opening up about things I shouldn't at that time...

Anyway, I think there is a lot to be said on the subject and one that is important as I think we often want more than we're willing to put in and understanding what is realistic is tough. Like, what do I deserve? Does the guy who's interest in me really deserve me? (that could be a good or bad thing too) Do I deserve them? (also, the same).

Perhaps I've missed the whole point and have gone on yet another mindless rant about something I know not enough about...

[eastofeden]

I need to know the man I am with is willing to be honest with himself and look at who he is with self acceptance and love because how he treats himself will be how he treats the relationship and treats me. I also need someone to be open to new information and new ideas.

Call me dumb and all but can you take a deep dive on that...because I am curious that's all. Self acceptance is something I think some people might struggle with, some people might get the wrong idea of what that means perhaps, some people (like myself) have that "imposter syndrome" or just feel unworthy perhaps and other people get a really big head. Then again I'm probably off target on all that, been a somewhat traumatic morning and my anxiety is cranking. Probably shouldn't be drinking coffee either but I need my fix.

I also ask and expect the same of myself and don't ask for something I am not willing to give

I guess the real thing is that I don't have a damn clue as to how things should work in a relationship given that 2 years is about as long as I can keep a guy. It does seem that guys and perhaps myself expect too much from their partner, that they're better than they are. Like I have bad insecurities about myself, mostly physical stuff. Like, I know people even on here are saying that I'm handsome and all that and I appreciate it but I feel like if people met me in person that they're going to think Jesus Christ this guy is a fucking porker! and perhaps they might, I mean I'm not delusional about my appearance and I get that some people will find me attractive and some won't and I don't consider myself to be that great looking and I definitely don't have the body type that will end up on a poster. So when a guy who I think is undeniably handsome, like virtual no one will say "eww" if they see them I realize that they're better looking than me and perhaps I should feel lucky that they're giving me the time of day because I've got a lot of flaws and perhaps "showing my hand" isn't the smartest thing to do.

All the times I should have kept my mouth shut... I feel like I run off more guys by telling the truth, so either it is that bad or I'm opening up about things I shouldn't at that time...

Anyway, I think there is a lot to be said on the subject and one that is important as I think we often want more than we're willing to put in and understanding what is realistic is tough. Like, what do I deserve? Does the guy who's interest in me really deserve me? (that could be a good or bad thing too) Do I deserve them? (also, the same).

Perhaps I've missed the whole point and have gone on yet another mindless rant about something I know not enough about...

OK - deep diving for you. What I meant is I do not like ANY GUY romantically who gets their self worth from their appearance - it turns me off real bad. A guy who thinks he is all that because society thinks he is "hot" but doesn't like WHO HE IS my idea of a nightmare. - and as I have been with the same guy for 34 years I think I got it right - for me anyway.

Here is the thing. My skin used to crawl (for real) when I worked behind the bar and someone "complimented me" on my looks - I almost hated them. I know it brought me alot of customers and $$$ but I really don't like being objectified - it is NOT a compliment to be objectified. When I received my compliments on my appearance I had a blanket answer - "I will tell my  father's sperm and my mother's egg that you approve of the match". Alot of the customers thought it was funny but I was friggin serious. The LAST THING I want is the reason that someone wants to be with me because they think I am "cute" BARF" I like to have chemistry with a man I date - that means personality and the whole vibe. As it turns out - my guy was 21 when I met him - I was 28. He was considered to be "hot" by most everyone but I didn't hold it against him because his vibe was what turned me on. In the first week  we were together I promised him I would never ask him to dress up and/or parade him raround - in other words I gave him the thing I wanted the most from someone else - NOT TO BE OBJECTIFIED. Objects should be objectified - not people. _ AND it is the stupidest reason IMO to be with someone because people grow old - or what if they had an accident? I am not a fan of shallowness in people and especially in myself - I think being shallow is a hideous waste of one's mind and soul.

If you want to know how I got this way - I was born to the College Jock - Best Looking in Class guy and the Homecoming Queen/Pin Up Model - shallow f*cks that I got to have the advantage of seeing what a horrible warning they were versus a good example.
If you want me to go deeper - let me know. I know I sound like an alien when I say what I really think because it is not really cool since as a society we worship appearance but I think images of beauty that are defined for us by Madison Avenue and Hollywood are a sign of decadence - and that is not a good sign. 

So - are you sorry you asked yet?  (i'm laughing at myself because I know most people don't want to hear my opinion

[InbetweenDreams]

@eastofeden Yes, I remember you talking about this before to some degree. It does seem to me that a lot of people do objectify people at some level. I dated my ex who I was with for almost 3 years because I thought we had chemistry and we still talk and occasionally hang out, but I didn't date him because I thought he was super handsome. Don't get me wrong, finding a guy who I think is handsome AND has chemistry with me is a big deal and yeah I'm going to take a shot.

Unfortunately for me, I was the opposite of Homecoming King or whatever, I never went to a dance or prom or any of that. I guess I was more of a loner than anything.

That being said, we are trained to worship and value appearance....I mean look at every dating app. Grindr, Tinder, POF, Facebook Dating you name it...swipe left or swipe right. What's the first thing? Their photos....and that's how we're judging everyone. So I agree with much of what you say or at least understand where you're coming from. The unfortunate effect that a society that values beauty over chemistry gives you people who's self value is on their own looks. After all, I have been called fat, ugly probably some other shit without provocation on dating apps. One guy accused me of editing my photos, never having spoken to him in my life. I know I should forget it but I can't help that it sticks in my head. Society, perhaps the gay community has in a way told me what kind of guys I can date and which ones I can't...or perhaps it is strictly me who has got this warped sense of reality and that could very well be the case.

Oh yes, we all will get old and all our looks will go out the window. Hell, I remember my grandpa not giving two shits about all sorts of stuff. We would be a the grocery store and he'd fart and then say something like "that one slipped."

That being said, I don't date guys only because I find them attractive, there has to be chemistry. I've turned away plenty of "hot" guys who were jerks and so on. I also hate it when these "hot" guys have to point out that they're better looking than me.

I don't think you sound like an alien talking about the subject...it is no different than all the guys going after girls with big boobs or whatever and not giving so much thought about personality. I do think it is normal to be attracted to someone on their appearance, but it shouldn't be the sole reason to want to go on a date with them...one reason it will probably fail in short order if that's all someone cares about. I think most people would want to date someone they think is handsome and has chemistry. Looks shouldn't be the first thing and I do think that we're ever increasing the focus around looks and vanity. Just look at stuff like snapchat...

[Tjemka88]

Someone who has no issues with commitment or honesty would be just fine.

[Chase]

Like most people, I'm waiting for a billionaire with supermodel looks. It's not unrealistic, it happens all the time in the movies 

[InbetweenDreams]

Like most people, I'm waiting for a billionaire with supermodel looks. It's not unrealistic, it happens all the time in the movies 

Do rupees count?

Oh yeah what's that movie...Overboard? Perhaps I need to be put into a coma...