12-22-2010, 01:03 PM
Well, I'm not sure how much of a hand I can give in advice, but here goes..
first, I understand how you feel about this being "late in life" but.. really at your age it's not all that bad. You may not realize it but 18 is still very young in the grand scheme of things.
I didn't realized all of this until I was 28. I'm sure at your age you have a lot going on in your life and I understand as well the social pressures of a small southern town. I was raised in one, and of sorts.. live in one now.. though, the city nearby can help with that somewhat.
I also understand what you mean ideals, gay or straight.. what I think you mean is that you feel constrained by labels and I completely agree. I felt this way for a time as well.
The truth is "gay" "straight" "bi" are exactly that.. they're labels.. they are stereotyped to guys that walk around limp wristed, or guys who crush beer cans on their foreheads and yell FOOTBAALLL and do other such things.. the truth is life isn't black and white.. it isn't easily labeled and labels themselves have little bearing on who we are as a person.
When you "fit" a label to yourself, what you have to remember is that you are NOT confining yourself. Because you apply the label of "gay" doesn't mean that you need to go out in your yard and start waving a rainbow flag, going to pride parades or suddenly becoming interested in fashion. you are who you are and that isn't going to change because of any label. You were you before you realized this about yourself, and you will continue to be you after. There won't be any "change" like you may be expecting. This is, of course, coming from my own feelings on the subject. So, yours may be different.
I think meeting other gay people and seeing how they live is a good part of learning to accept and to "come out to yourself." It will help dispell a lot of negative stereotypes that you've probably been faced with your entire life living in small towns. Anyone that has been flamboyantly gay you may have seen in public in the past and people have made comments etc.. I've been there believe me.. and there was a time when to fit in I would be right along with those comments (what a horrible thing.. but it is reality..) but the truth is for every person that's out and about like that.. there's many many more that you DONT see.
Out of all my gay friends, I'd say I can only think of 1 or 2 that "act gay." So.. don't be concerned there.
Reading on in your post sort of makes me smile. Not because its funny or anything like that.. but because this is EXACTLY how I've felt and still occasionally feel. do you know when a female is attractive? Well yes of course you do.. would you be "able to perform" with one? well.. yes of course.. do you WANT to? Well.. therein comes the dilemma.. no, chances are you don't want to... and your conscious mind is trying to make excuses.. WHY don't you want to? Is it anxiety? Is it phobia? The truth is.. you shouldn't worry about the WHY in this case. You should accept it as it is. Because trying to figure it out will have you yelling at yourself in the mirror and driving you a little mad.. believe me I've been there.
what you're experiencing I think is a normal anxiety that comes from all of this.. a sudden sense of panic that you are not who you thought you were and that's understandable. What I would advise you to do is calm down, don't panic and most importantly don't rush. You have time to adjust to this.. you're not "out" to anyone, and at your age things are going to get easier for you as you become more independent and you break free of the control and confines of your parents teachings and the small town atmosphere that you're in now.
I'm not suggesting you rush off to sanfran.. so please don't misundertand.
In short, since I tend to ramble, I'll leave it at this..
stay calm, don't panic, don't make any rash decisions based on this realization, don't over analyze your feelings or be afraid of labels.. just.. be.. yourself..
I hope this has been helpful.. I've never given any advice on this sort of thing before, but from recounting my own thoughts and feelings, some of which are still with me a year later.. I understand what you're going through.
first, I understand how you feel about this being "late in life" but.. really at your age it's not all that bad. You may not realize it but 18 is still very young in the grand scheme of things.
I didn't realized all of this until I was 28. I'm sure at your age you have a lot going on in your life and I understand as well the social pressures of a small southern town. I was raised in one, and of sorts.. live in one now.. though, the city nearby can help with that somewhat.
I also understand what you mean ideals, gay or straight.. what I think you mean is that you feel constrained by labels and I completely agree. I felt this way for a time as well.
The truth is "gay" "straight" "bi" are exactly that.. they're labels.. they are stereotyped to guys that walk around limp wristed, or guys who crush beer cans on their foreheads and yell FOOTBAALLL and do other such things.. the truth is life isn't black and white.. it isn't easily labeled and labels themselves have little bearing on who we are as a person.
When you "fit" a label to yourself, what you have to remember is that you are NOT confining yourself. Because you apply the label of "gay" doesn't mean that you need to go out in your yard and start waving a rainbow flag, going to pride parades or suddenly becoming interested in fashion. you are who you are and that isn't going to change because of any label. You were you before you realized this about yourself, and you will continue to be you after. There won't be any "change" like you may be expecting. This is, of course, coming from my own feelings on the subject. So, yours may be different.
I think meeting other gay people and seeing how they live is a good part of learning to accept and to "come out to yourself." It will help dispell a lot of negative stereotypes that you've probably been faced with your entire life living in small towns. Anyone that has been flamboyantly gay you may have seen in public in the past and people have made comments etc.. I've been there believe me.. and there was a time when to fit in I would be right along with those comments (what a horrible thing.. but it is reality..) but the truth is for every person that's out and about like that.. there's many many more that you DONT see.
Out of all my gay friends, I'd say I can only think of 1 or 2 that "act gay." So.. don't be concerned there.
Reading on in your post sort of makes me smile. Not because its funny or anything like that.. but because this is EXACTLY how I've felt and still occasionally feel. do you know when a female is attractive? Well yes of course you do.. would you be "able to perform" with one? well.. yes of course.. do you WANT to? Well.. therein comes the dilemma.. no, chances are you don't want to... and your conscious mind is trying to make excuses.. WHY don't you want to? Is it anxiety? Is it phobia? The truth is.. you shouldn't worry about the WHY in this case. You should accept it as it is. Because trying to figure it out will have you yelling at yourself in the mirror and driving you a little mad.. believe me I've been there.
what you're experiencing I think is a normal anxiety that comes from all of this.. a sudden sense of panic that you are not who you thought you were and that's understandable. What I would advise you to do is calm down, don't panic and most importantly don't rush. You have time to adjust to this.. you're not "out" to anyone, and at your age things are going to get easier for you as you become more independent and you break free of the control and confines of your parents teachings and the small town atmosphere that you're in now.
I'm not suggesting you rush off to sanfran.. so please don't misundertand.
In short, since I tend to ramble, I'll leave it at this..
stay calm, don't panic, don't make any rash decisions based on this realization, don't over analyze your feelings or be afraid of labels.. just.. be.. yourself..
I hope this has been helpful.. I've never given any advice on this sort of thing before, but from recounting my own thoughts and feelings, some of which are still with me a year later.. I understand what you're going through.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
