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Confused... any advice?
#1
Hello everyone,

I am writing to ask advice about my current situation.

I recently met a man on Scruff. Now, it says in the very first sentence of my scruff profile that I am looking for a relationship, but also I am not one to pass up sex with an attractive man.

So, I met this guy at my place, we had sex and then (I really didn't expect this) we talked. We talked for hours and hours about life, our interests, our families, etc.

The sex, by the way was extremely good and passionate it really felt like we had a connection. Well, we had sex again that same day and then talked some more, cuddling and holding hands and kissing.

Long story short, I've seen him 3 more times since then. He tells me about his family and work and the stresses of living in NYC and I do the same with him. Now usually I don't get feelings for someone I've only had sex with, but this just feels like more. There's an intimacy that is not there when I just fuck someone. (He kisses me when we're done, we talk forever, he plays with my hair, we laugh and giggle together, we holds my hand and we spoon, he gives me a goodnight kiss out in public after walking with me for a while).

Now my doubts are this. He is not particularly good at texting, though he hasn't been since the beginning, I've been the aggressor and he the (so far) willing pursuit. I'm unsure as to what to do. Should I tell him that I like him as more than just someone to have sex with? I've made it pretty obvious so far short of saying it outright. I'm only afraid that if I do that I will come across looking like an immature idiot (I'm younger than him) and then I'll miss out on all that sex that makes me feel so alive. Given the physical and emotional cues that he has presented I'd be a little surprised. After the last time we met he kissed me in the shower and as I got my shoes on and before I exited the apt and then out when he walked with me. He has said things like telling me how handsome I am, and how he blushes when I compliment him and wishing that I'll never tire of him and that I'll always come back.

Yet on the other hand he can be quite difficult to meet with, though I know he has a busy schedule he is not wholly cooperative sometimes. He always answers my texts in a timely manner and usually with enthusiastic answers, though the last couple times his answers were a bit short... he has been busy with work and overwhelmed though so maybe that could be it. Or maybe I'm just making excuses.

Or should I say nothing because it hasn't been that many times and play it a little more cool? Really I hate playing games but we all know sometimes how people like to do these stupid cat and mouse things. It's kind of beating me up on the inside that I don't know how he feels about me, and it would make me feel shitty if he didn't have feelings for me back. I would be kind of surprised but I'd rather know sooner rather than later so I can cut my losses. Only self-conscious that I'll come off as a clingy psycho...

help?
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#2
Relax. Take your time and date him. You don't have to get married on the second date. Everyone's always in such a rush to seal the deal with instant gratification. Savor the moment.
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#3
As Simon & Garfunkel once sang,

The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy)

"Slow down, you move too fast
You got to make the morning last
Just kicking down the cobblestones
Looking for fun and feelin’ groovy
Ba da da da da da da, feelin’ groovy

Hello, lamppost, what’cha knowin’?
I’ve come to watch your flowers growin’
Ain’t’cha got no rhymes for me?
Doot-in doo-doo, feelin’ groovy
Ba da da da da da da, feelin’ groovy

I got no deeds to do
No promises to keep
I’m dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep
Let the morning time drop all its petals on me
Life, I love you
All is groovy."

You are having a wonderful time. This guy sounds really great and you have to learn that you are still both on the dance floor, even though he is a couple of arms' lengths away.

One or the hardest things to do for some of us to do is to avoid naming things. You are IN a relationship. It may last for another week, or it may last for years. Go with the flow, as my 60's vocabulary tells me to say. Enjoy!
I bid NO Trump!
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#4
Has anyone detected a pattern on here recently?

Young guy finds someone fun to be with, hangs with him for a month or two, wants to know if it's time to declare his devotion to said guy. Writes a thread on here. Old guys on here say, nope, wait. Young guy disappears.

Can we be more help for the impetuous passionate young guys?
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#5
I don't need to label anything. I don't need to be his boyfriend or his fiance.

It's just frustrating because I haven't received any -verbal- indication from him that he's interested in me for anything more than sex. If I have feelings for him and he doesn't have them for me then why bother continue seeing him?
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#6
Some people don't see texting as a means for primary communication. I find it awkward to type on the stupid phone, so my answers are generally short. When I text my fiance it's usually to make plans, or let him know if plans are changing. If I want to talk to him about anything serious, it's face to face or verbally on the phone. To much subtlety is missed in text. So, don't compare his texting patterns to your own, and come to any kind of conclusion based on that.

Seems to me you are already in a "more than fuck buddies" kinda relationship. Be patient and let things develop.

Quote:He has said things like telling me how handsome I am, and how he blushes when I compliment him and wishing that I'll never tire of him and that I'll always come back.

Why don't you two try and do something besides hooking up for sex? Go out on a few dates that don't end up in bed.
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#7
Gglas Wrote:I don't need to label anything. I don't need to be his boyfriend or his fiance.

It's just frustrating because I haven't received any -verbal- indication from him that he's interested in me for anything more than sex. If I have feelings for him and he doesn't have them for me then why bother continue seeing him?

My grandmother used to say they won't buy the cow as long as you're giving the milk away for free... If all you guys do is end up in bed, and you've been allowing this to happen, you can't really complain about it after the fact(s). Demand he spend time with you socially doing other things than sex. You'll get your answers soon enough once you remove the carrot on a stick.
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#8
Update...

I asked him to lunch tomorrow (saturday) and he said "sure"...

not the most inspiring response but like I said, he's a shit texter and I guess a sure is better than an excuse?
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#9
Gglas Wrote:Hello everyone,

Or should I say nothing because it hasn't been that many times and play it a little more cool? Really I hate playing games but we all know sometimes how people like to do these stupid cat and mouse things. It's kind of beating me up on the inside that I don't know how he feels about me, and it would make me feel shitty if he didn't have feelings for me back. I would be kind of surprised but I'd rather know sooner rather than later so I can cut my losses. Only self-conscious that I'll come off as a clingy psycho...

help?

Hello, @Gglas, and Welcome to GaySpeak. Your story sounds a bit like a fairy tale, but they do happen. He's an older person than you and he's a professional. You didn't say what profession he's in. Maybe he's not someone who keeps his phone on at all times. Allow for his telephone use to be different from yours. Now, tell us, when you're together, does he answer any text messages he gets? Does he spend time on his phone or does he give you priority over all of that type of communication? If he gives you all his attention, then that answers your question about why he doesn't text back within seconds. If he does pick up his phone and does spend time on it when he's with you, then maybe he's using his discretion to find time for the perfect text message. No two people are alike.

It seems to me that because you've had several rounds of the sex / intimacy game, you now need to see if it's time for some rules. So maybe, since you talk a lot, you could confer with him about having some rules, like:
  • are you both allowed to see other men outside the relationship you two have? Is it ok for you to see other men? Is it ok for him to see other men?
  • Are you texting him too often? Could he give you some quicker answers, even just to say he's had your message etc?
  • What kind of protection do you both need to take into account if you are having an 'open relationship'? Does he like you / love you enough to consider this? Do you like / love him enough to give up certain things, or put certain things into place?
  • How about meeting each other's friends? Is he ready for that? Are you ready for that? Parents / relatives? Same question...
Maybe this will lead the conversation to where you started, ie, that you were looking for a serious relationship. Is he that person? Just remind him that it was in your profile, and that's how you eventually met. Maybe it's time for you to take that profile down, or to change it? Let him know you're considering doing so, if it's worth your while. Not cornering him, just moving on with your life, right?
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#10
Borg69 Wrote:My grandmother used to say they won't buy the cow as long as you're giving the milk away for free... If all you guys do is end up in bed, and you've been allowing this to happen, you can't really complain about it after the fact(s). Demand he spend time with you socially doing other things than sex. You'll get your answers soon enough once you remove the carrot on a stick.
What wise words, [MENTION=21075]Borg69[/MENTION]!! Confusedmile:
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